FOR REAL THIS TIME, I PROMISE!
You may have heard of the collapse of several large US financial institutions this morning. The fact that this event coincides with a major natural disaster hitting the US is, according to my parents, 100% conclusive proof that Armaggedon has in fact begun. Really, not like those other times, this time it's for real.
Babble On the Grape will be destroyed within a matter of weeks, and the Paradise will be ushered in before the end of the year! All you evil Apostates had better decide what to do with your few short remaining days, because Joe Hoober of Armies will be sure to have some suitable hideous death stored up for you sometime in late November or early December.