Left with an important decision...?

by XxJazzxX 8 Replies latest jw experiences

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  XxJazzxX

  Hey friends. This will be my first serious post in a while. Just wanna know if anyone on the board has ever been in the same predicament as I'm in right now based on recent events with my D/Fed JW wife and my JW in-laws.

  At any way I'm not trying to sound selfish nor care about myself in any way, but my experiences of me,my daughter and my D/Fed wife living under my in-laws doesnt sit well with me anymore. We are currently in SC and we used to live in PA. Our financial situation has led us to live in SC with her parents because they offered the best help compared to my parents. At the same time, I'm basically exchanging my roots, lifestyle, and putting my religion to the test being around them. Mind you, I have nothing against them. They're one of the nicest bunch I've ever known in my entire life. But when it came down to religious matters, I'm basically outnumbered. Me and my wife were well aware that we wouldn't see eye-to-eye as much when it comes to the Bible, but I never thought it would get this bad to me. This doesn't bother my wife as much because from time to time she reminds me that she has to prepare herself the day I leave. How is that anyway encouraging your spouse to remain calm? Sounds like pressure to me! I remember in August when me and my wife were discussing the Bible, both her and her mother said i was 'prideful' of the 'truth' and it will get me in trouble. I thought that was all the info I need to know they claim their religion to be the 'one true religion' but that was nothing. In sept, I found a church I wanted to attend down here. Mind you, my wife already said to me that she dont want to go to Church again, but I'm always welcome to go to the Kingdom Hall with her and her family. What made matters worse was when I wanted to take me daughter with me so she can know God how I knew Him; loving, caring, and you dont need a 6 months notice to get to know him. She shockingly refused to let me take my daughter with me, saying things like "I know what they do there, and they dont worship God correctly!"

  Thats when I vowed to research everything that was Watchtower and to be fair I reseatch Christianity. Comparing data with my personal experiences, I came to the conclusion and the FACT that the Watchtower are an organization that uses and supports their doctrines and fear to get around. My Born-Again Christian parents knew what JWs are about but they wanted me to see for myself. They often worry about me while I'm down here and they want me to come back to PA where I can be comfortable about my faith, and not under constant self-pressure worry.

  As much as I would like to go back, the responsibility of being a parent to my daughter is on the line. If I leave, I know she will be in good hands because my wife is a good mother, but at the same time, I dont want her to grow up ignoring history and thinking that her religion is the only one that is true without fully testing it. And as a father I want to see her grow up each day.

  Each day I'm constantly challenging my morality with my spirituality. I dont want to do this anymore but I dont want to leave my daughter's side. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation that I'm in now? Weather you have or not, I'm willingly accepting advice anyone has to offer.

  Thank You.

  XxJazzxZ

  Edit: She was DFed before she met me. And when she tried to get reinstated in July, she has been rejected.
• 

  Junction-Guy

  Question, was your wife Disfellowshipped when you married her?
  
  I don't know if there is any correct answer in all of this, but my best advice would be for you to gradually work your family back to PA. Also you have every right to take your daughter to church with you.
• 

  RAYZORBLADE

  Dude, I know you are thankful and graciated towards them; and then there's your wife.

  Junction Guy offered a kind reply about heading back up north to Pennsylvania.

  Me?

  Well: with JWs/WTBTS - the mention even in 'your sleep' will be cause of great suspicion and apostacy.

  I don't know you of course; but why does everything have to hinge on religion constantly.

  Can YOU exist outside of it (without reproach) without fear?

  Not attacking you! HELL (OK, I'm bad) but I've been there; 26 years ago.
• 

  troubled mind

  I don't understand why your wife has more say than you over what religion your daughter is exposed to ???? You have every right as she does to take your child to church with you . Stand up for this right if it is at all important to you that your child is not brain washed into JW thinking . It is important she gets the chance to see the difference in religions.
  
  Hang in there . Work hard to change your financial outlook so you will not be depending on the in laws help for very long . Consider this a temporary situation and look forward .
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  sacolton

  I agree. The problem is your wife doesn't see you as "Head of the Household" which is a big deal as a JW. It just seems she doesn't respect you.
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  carla

  (sorry for the length)

  You need to do further research about jw's and learn how to exercise your 'head of the house' routine per jwism. There is a wt or awake article about being married to a ubm and allowing the spouse to take the child to other churches but that of course the child won't be participating in the evil Christendom celebrations and Sunday school, youth groups, etc.... In my house (my husband joined the cult later in life) attempted to try to take the kids to the kh and I said if they went to the kh then I would be bringing them to all the churches including a Hindu Temple, Buddist, Bahai, Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, you name it we would go and they would really experience what was out there! I would never allow my kids near a kh, ever, period. But then I know that an elder let a child molester go without even a reproof because he alluded to it in a meeting I had with them, aside from all the spiritual abuse, scholarly dishonesty and other abuses the wt is guilty of.

  My kids are now well aware of the flip flops, abuses, scandals, etc... with the wt as well as seeing profound changes in their father. They didn't have to believe a thing I said about the org they could research themselves and see what the cult did to our own family.

  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to see the damage this cult can do to ones psyche, spiritual abuses, physical abuses, sexual abuses, and what it does to family relationships. Read the ex jw boards for a few years and you will see the pain that continues well into adulthood and produces mental problems, feelings of never fitting in anywhere, paranoia, guilt, suicides, etc,etc,etc.... the list is endless.

  You NEED to get your family out of that house. You will never make headway with your wife with the parents there reinforcing all things jw. You need to do whatever you can to protect these innocent minds and souls of your children. Sometimes that means staying in the marriage to protect the kids and know where they are and who is talking to them and influencing them. What if it gets unbearable to you? suck it up, you made children with this woman now protect them. Sacrifice for your children, that's what parents do. It need not be horrible with your spouse but you certainly can lay down some ground rules that you both can live with and find some middle ground and even be happy. May be a long road.

  Never, ever trust a jw. Arm your children with knowledge. If you ever reach a point where you are contemplating divorce you may want to keep a few things in mind- plan ahead, I mean really plan ahead no need to make a rash decision, you may want to have a church of your own (bring the kids and get them involved) so a judge can see your faith is as important to you as a jw's is to them. The kids will naturally gravitate to the church that is fun and does community projects and field trips, choir, youth group,, etc...So if it ever reaches such a point the judge could rule that mom can't bring the kids to a kh because it would damage their psyche. Learn all you can about the org what it does to children, how they are taught to lie in court, etc....

  I wish you and your family well. Now go and find a way to get the heck out of that house and be a family on your own without any inlaw interference!
• 

  yknot

  I agree you should exert headship as it exists within the JW world.

  If you love your wife and want a life with her.......then it is time to start moving away from her parents influence.

  I think you should let the religious waters calm some right now. Show that you are willing to compromise, maybe attend meetings, while independently studying the bible (at least two translations and have the KIT handy too) as a couple or looking at the WTS historically via WTS publications as a couple.

  If you want her to attend with you, you should be willing to attend with her too. This establishes each person's right to practice their faith and gives your child a view of both worlds. Many JW women are married to unbelievers, we don't have the status as Elderette's but that doesn't mean it is the end of the world especially if yall trade Sundays (or double up if her service is in the afternoons). You mainly need to avoid the argument of 'spiritual endangerment'. You also might find a marriage counselor helpful to navigate a reasonable compromise. Having a third party non-biased opinion really helps to keep things balanced and less emotional.

  If it all goes to hell in a handbasket then you still might want to seek a marriage counselor to help guide yall through a less stressful divorce.

  BTW if you leave your daughter behind in SC to be raised by your wife and you return to PA......your daughter will more then likely be a JW as an adult. The KH will be her primary religious experience and having extended family in the faith reinforces it's message.

  I urge you to keep your marriage intact or at least remain nearby and seek joint custody where your daughter goes to the KH one week (CBS/Sundays) and your church (Wed-Worship/Sundays) the next.

  Keep us posted......

  Praying for yalll....
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  XxJazzxX

  Thanks guys. My wife wouldnt undermine my authority as a husband and head of the household. But when she undermines my faith that basically says the same thing. The longer I'm there, the longer I'm gonna feel like exposing their history in front of them like one big bomb. I'm just gonna work at getting ourselves together and move us back to PA.
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  FuzzyPaul

  I left and started going to Protestant churches two years ago. I have never been happier. JWs DO NOT KNOW HOW OTHERS WORSHIP. JWs are told what goes on there and I found nothing offensive at all at any of the 12 churches I tried. Christian radio will let you share good sermons with your daughter. Mood radio in the am has many. Aleister Begg, The Urban Alternative, Turning point are all good.

  Churches have mid-week stuff too. Call around. AWANA is a Southern Baptist kids memorize scriptures for prizes. Not boring. I had to resort to tough love. I argued back with twice the fervor as I was attacked. It is worth it. When you lose your fear you will have an immediate win.

  Dismiss the following thoughts: So what? She is going to be angry! What if? Oh-no what-if? Take each opportunity to just go! Visit the pastor during off hours and talk.

  You will find great spiritual fulfillment in a Baptist church but Assemblies of God is OK and many independents are also. Pray with the pastor.

  My son, then wife, then grand-daughter, then daughter, then younger daughter are now going to a Southern Baptist Church and we love the fellowship. Try dinner nights for the meals. Usually there is no message, just nice people.

  I have never felt so loved!

  Regards,

  Paul