I realize not everyone here was sexually abused while they were children in the WTS. But many of us were victims.
But many more of us were victims of other kinds of abuse; physical, emotional and definitely spiritual abuse.
In light of the wonderful work that people like JWD's researchers, pdf creators, the old guard (who were the first gaurd- Kent, Jan H, Jan G, Farkel, Lee Elder, Randy, Franz, Barbara Anderson, as well as non-JWs, Norris and Love, etc. . . . , have done, they have helped create an atmosphere where it is finally safe for us to tell our stories.
Simon has created the place to speak our truths.
We tell our stories because they are our stories. Uncensored. Raw at times. Stirring. Freeing. Because we were silenced for so long we really need to share our experiences and the long-term effects of it. I keep telling my story, not out of a need to do my venting but out of a real concern for others. So many new people come here. They feel lost, alone, and are terribly hurt. And we know the WTS doesn't listen. The elders don't listen. Even families don't listen. If telling helps one person then I will keep speaking my truth.
We tell because it really helps to:
- find out we were not alone
- embrace the freedom to talk and share
- get support
- offer support to other victims
- empower oursleves and take control of our recovery
- know we are believed (especially true if we were told we were lying or mistaken)
We also want to protect others. Silence only makes more victims. The one thing that an abuser wants from his victims is silence. They threaten us with all kinds of terrible things. They blame us. They make us feel like we are reposible. They tell us we are dirty and deserved it. They tell us (through their behavior) that we are worth nothing. They tell us we are weak, undeserving, vile, debased,and wicked - ruled by Satan.
Abusers want one thing -- silence. Every time we are silenced about our experiences abusers get what they want - protection so they can continue to hurt people with no accountability. When people give abusers what they wants - that precious silence - they are empowered to continue abusing us and others. They are empowered to find more victims. Many abusers actually believe they are not hurting anyone. And many abusers think no cares. If no one sees then it doesn't matter
I have no desire to see one more person hurt. So I speak out now. I speak out now and know people are listening.
Some one told me it is too painful to read our stories. Yes it is painful to read. I ache for each story I have read. Sometimes I need to take time before reading another story. I can understand their pain in a way that only other victim's can understand. But I read them. It hurts but I read them.
I know how much it takes for a victim to tell his or her story. When I tell my story for a new group of people I no longer shake. My body used to react to the telling. Telling releases a lot of fear but it stirs up a lot of fear too. What if they don't believe me? What if no one responds? What if they think it wasn't that bad? It isn't easy to tell our stories. It means that in the telling we relive it. Too many can't even begin to tell you how bad it really was. I try to do that with my poetry. The feelings are raw. But it takes a lot to do that. I doubt there is one victim here who has told her story and not suffered that night because of the memories. It isn't easy. Trying to explain spiritual abuse to a person who has never experienced it is extremely difficult. Most often they have no frame of reference for it
Those of us who tell our stories want one thing from you.
Read them. Take your time and don't read them all at once. But please honor the effort and the pain it takes for many of us to tell our stories. You don't need to say a lot. A hug is good. Just a sad face will do. Sometimes that can be the most piognant. Let us know you were there. Let us know you will not stand by quietly and pretend you didn't see it.
There are so many of us here. Some tell their stories for the first time here on the pages of JWD. Even if you cannot express any words just let them know you took the time to share their pain.
We lived it. We only ask that you read it and share for a few minutes.
And please, when you are ready, share your stories with others. Here for now, on JWN when it opens, on other websites, even on your own website (they are quite easy to make).
Don't let anyone silence you again.
Thank you.
...OUTLAW