QE (Dec 08):
So, I say all this because I need help. Many of you have gone through this or are going through it now. I can truly see myself picketing Bethel one day and going on talk shows to expose the real 'truth' to others. I'm not ready for that phase of life yet-but almost. So, in the meantime, I have to get these negative feelings under control. It goes against everything that I strive to be in my life. Please help me with some suggestions on how to accomplish this. Thanks for listening.
**sigh** I do understand. I am just a couple of years older than your posted age. You may be angry now. In time that anger may dissipate.... it has with me.
Picketing Bethel (or any WT facility or KH) doesn't do any good and only "proves" to current JWs that indeed, we apostates are crazy. Same with talk shows. The "real truth" about JW is so uninteresting to the masses that the talk shows target as to not be worth the time to do a show. Think about it. Out of 330 million people in the US, only 1 million (< 1%) are JW..and of those, how many are child publishers unlikely to watch talk shows? and of the adults, how many would actually watch "apostates" "attack" their beloved organization. In the real world, JWs are barely a blip on the radar of the average individual on the street.
Information is power. The average rank and file JW publisher has no real information. Just lots of made-up knowledge controlled by an exclusive group of men (the Governing Body) and their agents (Legal, Service, Writing). The cult is powerful. Back in June when you first started posting, you made an interesting comment:
QE (June 08):
I am not bitter and have no desire to bash or bad mouth them. Not all of my upbringing or experiences were bad . But I know that others were traumatized by how things were/are and feel terrible for them that they have to deal with that.
You seem to have moved on to another stage of grief in the intervening 6 months since you wrote that... When a person dies, there are stages of grief that we go through. 1) shock and denial. 2) Pain and guilt 3) anger and bargaining 4) depression, reflection and loneliness, 5) upward turn 6) reconstruction and working through and 7) acceptance and hope. (the Kubler-Ross model is Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance)
When we leave the WT organization, we go through similar levels of grief. When we find out that we have been lied to all of our lives, we are shocked. We don't want to believe that our "Mother" (the Organization) would ever lie to us. But lie they do. They may not be directly sitting there in Brooklyn rubbing their hands deviously cackling as they come up with ways to screw the average witness.... their lies are more Institutional, ingrained over multiple generations. Even the GB is drinking the kool-aid. It's just the GB is more culpable. We at first deny it, try to go on with the JW routine (meetings, service, study), pretending we dont know what we know in our mind (if not our heart) is really true.
we finally get through that first stage....then we start experiencing pain... heartache really....at the loss of our innocence, the shattering of our Paradise ideal. Even as we start to miss more and more meetings...then field service...we experience guilt...guilt for missing those activities....guilt for "turning our backs on Jehovah" and our so-called friends.
Pain and guilt give way to anger...that appears to be where you are at right now. The fact that your husband still goes to the Memorial is a form of Bargaining. (I do not sit here and judge why he still goes). Maybe it is routine. Maybe it is to hold out hope that he will hear something that night that will make it all better and he can go again...maybe its for family...the reasons are as numerous as there are people who go. Give yourself time. You said this:
The more research I do, the more angry I become but I can't quit researching. I want to know every lie they've ever told and every policy they've ever changed
Again, I truly understand this "need to know." I was a very heavy researcher as a former elder...and not always in WT-approved sources..(thus my reason for leaving).... but if the end result of researching is anger....then it is doing only one thing...messing with your emotions. You have been on this site 6 months....it might be time to give the research a rest. The research resources are not going to go away. The internet is not going to dry up and blow away. Somewhere, some ex-JW has archived all of the WT lies for all time. I would advise you quit researching for now and find something enjoyable to do with your newfound freedom.
In your first post on this board, you mention college. GO BACK TO SCHOOL... I did...and it has gotten me through a lot of tough times as I progress from close minded (former) elder to open minded, less judgmental human being and college student. My first college class a few years ago was Ethics...that opened my mind...one of my last classes from my first degree was Psychology...and that sealed the deal on the WT for me.... took a couple more years to actually leave.
One more thing on anger....as you said in your June post...some may never get past the anger because of being traumatized.....losing a loved one to the blood issue, having a friend or family member (or they themselves) suffer at the hand of a JW-sanctioned pedophile.... you dont ever "get over" that... you just try to heal the best you can.... that doesnt seem to be the case for you..so you will probably be able to move past Stage 3 anger....
I am at #4...the loneliness... you have your husband and he is basically out too... but the depression will rear its ugly head at times... I have been told this over and over...get out and see people... thats what school is about for me... and coming to this board... though this board is never a replacement for meeting people in the flesh (and I have met some great people from this board in real life and have been helped tremendously) ...but am moving to the reflection stage after 15 months since my last meeting.... its a better place to be. Take the good you recieved from the organization and leave the rest behind in the rubbish heap called the WT.
5, 6, and 7 are pretty self-explanatory..but since I havent gotten there myself, its harder for me to describe.... but just the fact that others have gotten that far is hope enough for me.
As often is the case, I am long-winded (or should I say... "long-posting") to no ones surprise on this forum...
have a great holiday....and enjoy the greatest gift: FREEDOM
Snakes ()
ps...feel free to PM me if you or your husband have need to talk.... as if my post wasnt long enough
