Is forgiveness important to you?

Snoozy

Too general of a statement..care to narrow it down?

I sometimes wonder if people ever really truly forgive..even if they say so.

Snoozy... (Thinking)

John Doe

If I had just commited a felony, then yes, forgiveness would be very important to me. If I hadn't done anything, then naw, forgiveness isn't important.

rebel8

Not at all. What is important is acceptance and validation.

Lady Lee

Too often we hear that we need to forgive the people who hurt us. Bull. If they don't admit what they did and how it hurt us AND stop hurting us we owe them nothing.

Then we hear that people need to forgive themselves. This one baffled me for a very long time. In fact until just a couple of minutes ago. Forgive myself? I did nothing wrong (in regards to my childhood abuse)

But something just clicked.

As victims we often participate in something called ruminative thinking. We sit and go over what happened detail by detail and then blame ourselves for not having been able to make the abuse stop. THAT is what we need to forgive and let go.

It wasn't in our power to change or stop what was happening to us. If we could have done something to make it stop we would have found it. Abused wives do the same thing. They go over and over incidents looking for some magic thing they could have done to make the abuse stop.

But the reality is that there isn't one single thing WE could have done to stop people from abusing us as children. And the only thing an abused spouse can do is get out and never go back.

We need to stop the ruminative thinking and forgive the child victims and the adult victims we were and let it go.

When it comes to forgiving others - I was always willing to turn the other cheek only to get that smacked too. Now I am more cautious with it. People have to change and stop hurting me or I am GONE.

Is forgiveness important to me?

Yes but for the right reasons

sass_my_frass

There are people who, if they were to attempt to re-enter my life, I would avoid if they didn't apologise very early on for the way they have treated myself and my beloved star of a husband. An apology would indicate that they've made a very long journey and that we're now actually compatible for a renewed relationship. Without that there would be too much baggage, too many games, great big elephant in the room etc, and what's the point? Who has that kind of time?

mouthy

abused spouse can do is get out and never go back.Lee I found that rather strange advice. If a woman has four kids 2 ,4 5 7 ,has never had a training in any field of work, has no money ...No relitives..... Where to go???? You will say a shelter. !!!! Have you ever thought how upsetting that would be to kids, strange beds, lots of other crying wives & kids, no privacy & no matter what Dad did to Mum they still love & miss Daddy... I say this because I WAS ONE OF THEM>>>>>Sorry ..... I stayed because where to go?????

MOuthy

junctions-wife

I honestly think it depends on the situation at hand. I know I had to forgive my father for what he had done. Which was he just gave away his children. He didn't fight for us. I didn't understand why Daddy wasn't around. And Mom was marrying someone new. But when I was older and could understand things. I was angry at him. I needed to relieve myself from all the hatered and negative feelings I had for my father and forgave him. Out of that I became a better person.

Scully

When someone makes an honest mistake, forgiveness comes easily - because I am human and prone to making honest mistakes and would hope that others would be able to forgive my honest mistakes.

When someone deliberately and willfully causes harm, forgiveness is difficult to find. It is not in my nature to deliberately hurt someone else, and it's difficult to fathom how one person could do that to another. If I am the person who has been harmed, more often than not, forgiveness takes the form of releasing myself of the damage. I need to move on from the undeserved harm that was done, to stop dwelling on the hurt. Forgiveness frees me of that burden of wondering "why would they do that to me?". The answer may be unknowable, and to dwell on and continue to relive the hurt gives the other person power over me that they do not deserve. This form of forgiveness does not make the wrong "okay". It makes me "okay" in spite of the wrong that was done.

Even knowing how forgiveness can benefit me, it is still a very difficult thing to do when it really counts.