Give them the "Mark 17" faith test! From Biblegateway.com :
Mark 16:17-18
"And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."
One skeptic challenges Jehovah's Witnesses using these verses.
I am so elated right now I actually had to calm down a bit before I wrote this first sentence. You see, I’ve been waiting about 4 years to do this, and just 30 minutes ago I finally got the chance. I finally got to fuck with a jehovah’s witness not with insults (well, I threw a few in there) but with their own fucking holy book. Anyone familiar with my blogs knows I was brainwashed in a church/school until I was 15; I know my friggin’ bible, and I’m mad as hell about it!
So I saw these 2 young girls dressed conservatively and looking a little out of place walking a few doors down from my folks house this morning with an older man. Needless to say, I know this M.O., and I high tailed it around the block and into my parent’s house to lie and wait. I burst in the door and as luck would have it, my mom was sitting at the desk right by the front door! Her being there to witness this would only be a bonus!
I ran into my old bedroom, which has become what Audra and I refer to as the “family archives” (basically just a large bookshelf filled with everything that we do not have room for at our house, along with books of our folks) and grab my childhood bible. It contains about 15 years of research into biblical fallacies, contradictions, and absurdities. I then go out to the garage and grab moms bottle of lemon-scented bleach. On my way back into the house I stop in the kitchen and get a clear drinking glass out of the cupboard and then head back to the front door, all the while explaining to her that some JW are about to knock on the door.
“Oh no your not…we’re not answering the door, just let them be.” She protested after I explained my plan.
“Well, I am answering the door, “ I returned, “I’ve been waiting years to do this to someone, and I’m not letting it pass by today!”
Instead of protesting further, my mom then asks if the bible really says that. I open up my bible to the appropriate passage and let her read it for herself. At that point she said nothing more. My final step of preparation was to put our dog Zoë in the bathroom so we didn’t need to yell over her barking.
Then the knock on the door.
I almost felt bad doing this, as these were young girls, but they were intruding in my space without invitation, they should expect to be hit with some logic every few houses.
“Hello, do you think there will ever be peace in the world?” she asks right off the bat. I want to say to her, yea, when everybody figures out that religion keeps us divided as a planet and species but I instead need to hook them in a bit to get this to work, so I simply reply, “No, probably not.”
“Well”, she replies, “did you know that we are guaranteed peace if we just follow a fe--”
“Excuse me, I’m sorry to cut you off, but I’m sure you understand that I need to make sure you are a true believer of god before I can listen to your plan for salvation.” I said with my eyes locked directly to hers. This was hard for me to do because I generally get uncomfortable with direct eye contact with people, but I made a conscious effort to only break my gaze with the one girl to lock in with the other one.
“Of course,” she says with a smile and trying to be oh so polite and “professional”.
“So if you could turn to Mark 16:18 you will find jesus tells us how we can tell true believers from false ones.” As they are leafing through their bibles to find Mark I back away from the door a bit and begin to pour some bleach into the drinking glass and continue on.
“True followers of Christ are to be able to drink any poison and not die, so I’d like to offer you both a nice refreshing glass of bleach before we continue this conversation.” I say as I offer the glass to the first girl.
She looks at me like I’m the crazy one. “Oh no, I’m not drinking that.” I make sure to look confused.
“But it’s jesus talking to his disciples…” I plead as she interrupts me.
“Where does it say that again?”
“Mark 16:18. Are you saying that jesus is a liar?”
“NO! Absolutely not!”
“Well, then you must not believe the bible is the word of god.”
“No, that is not what I’m say--”
“Then you should have no qualms about drinking a glass of bleach then, how about you, would you like some?” I ask to the slightly older one standing behind her. She smiles politely and shakes her head without saying a word. As I type this now I feel I should have also quoted jesus’ statement that even those with the faith of a mustard seed will be able to do these feats, and of they are so afraid they must not have any faith, but the adrenaline was pumping through my body at this point and I was just trying hard not to break character just yet.
She began to regroup her thoughts and say something, but I was done at this point, because I knew they weren’t gonna drink the bleach, and it was getting hard for me to fight off the huge smile that was trying to break through. Plus, they were young, no need to drag this out further. I had planted the seed of critical examination into the claims of that book, my job was done at that point. So I interrupted her.
“It seems to me that you shouldn’t be knocking on people’s doors trying to sell something you don’t really believe in yourself, so why don’t you both just go ???? yourselves?” I said with a nice ???? eating grin on my face and then slammed the door in their face.
I let out a nice yelp of joy as I’m pouring the bleach back into the bottle and rinsing out the glass and I’m sure they heard it whilst walking away. I put everything back where it belongs and then leave the house to go do what I had originally planned for the morning. As I get on my scooter and head down the block, I see the 2 girls getting into a grey car, so I slow down a bit.
“I’m sorry girls, but I hope one day you learn to think rationally and examine outrageous claims,” and drive away down the street.
I feel so good right now, because it is therapeutic to lash out to these religious freaks as a way to heal from my own freakish schooling. Sure, these poor girls didn’t do anything to me, but they walked up to me uninvited. I find the practice of evangelizing to be disgusting and offensive, and if I went around openly preaching Atheism and telling everyone who wasn’t like me they are wrong I’d expect the same treatment.
But it also feels good to have gotten some young kids thinking. Maybe the go ???? yourself line was too much and shut them off, but the one girl really did seem concerned the bible says to drink poison as a test of faith. No matter what they think of me or my choice of words, they now have that bible verse in their minds. If they are truly honest people, they will begin to ponder this for many, many years to come.
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