My father passed away last week. It was not a sudden thing. He was in his eighties and declining in health every time I saw him. At least it came with warning and a chance to spend a few days at his bedside before the inevitable.
There was the viewing at the funeral home, the memorial service at his Kingdom Hall, and a get-together afterwards. The talk was what I've come to expect. A little bit about the deceased, then a sermon on what the JWs believe about death and ressurection. What little was said about my father was 90% summed up in events related to the JWs: his elder days, his ministerial servant days, his pioneering days, his contributions to hall buildings, etc. My wife and sister-in-law had never heard one of these before and thought they could have said a LOT more about his life outside of the witnesses. His love of road-trips, camping, and seeing nature. He had a million stories and there were many about him too.
I must say though, I was pleasantly surprised by the JWs. Not one of them came up to me questioning where I've been, what if any hall I go to, whether I'm DF/DA. They were all pleasant. And with some facial hair other than a mustache (which I still think is frowned upon) they had to know I wasn't a practicing JW. Although I got some cards that made subtle hints to come back and a few conversations had to add the JW stuff or scriptures. But nothing in-your-face.
One thing I found really tacky was a the funeral home for the viewing. His wife had set up a picture of my father with a couple of stacks of JW brochures about death and their view. I mean c'mon! Over 95% of the people there already believe that stuff. The others either know what those beliefs are and reject them (like me) or were former workmates of my father. It wasn't like people were picking them up. It wasn't the time for sales pitches.
I think the various funeral events provided some revelations about the JWs. The congregation I was born into, and even most of the one we moved to when I was a young kid, had a lot of loving, caring people. Then we merged with another congregation and the attitude changed. We moved to another hall and it had a similar bad attitude. The hall I first went to and the one my father last went to were similar. They weren't in the heart of the city, but they were in that middle ground between the burbs and the city. These people weren't so judgemental. The congregations I went to from the burbs, had a lot more well-off people. Well, blue-collar well-off plus white-collar middle-class. They seemed a lot less caring and more judgemental.
All-in-all, I would say the JWs I met and reunited with last week were a lot better than the ones in the last 2 congregations I went to. And with friends like many of these people were, I can see why my father was attracted to it all.
One guy said I was a good representative for the family. I'm not sure why. I didn't think I was doing anything outstanding. That's the other side of the coin. I'm sure some people were being extra kind to us to hope to lure us back in. While on the other hand, my brother and I were demonstrating that life outside of the JWs does not mean we're drug-addicted, Satan worshiping trash. I was also thinking we may have been a good example for what non-JW life is. My brother and I are both polite, clean-cut, successful professionals with happy marriages and wonderful children (all born within marriage).
I got to see how much my dad was loved. How much he really cared for people. Even though it didn't always seem like he was the most caring when he'd lose his temper when I was a kid. I heard so many stories of how he looked out for others, asked after them to make sure they were OK, and lended a hand where needed.
The talk went on to show how much my father loved the JWs and how much he gave, even pioneering in his late 70's. I'm sure the talk was "romanticized", but even so, you saw how much he put into it. He was in it for nearly 60 years. For all he did, and for as much as he loved it, his sons were probably his biggest disappointment. I'm sure he was proud of us for our families, our jobs, our successes, but the part he cared about so much was the part we rejected. What can you do? There's no way I could have gone back to being a JW and it would have been really tough to even go through the motions just to please him. About the best I could do is hide any non-JW things from him. I never brought up the birthday parties, celebrating Christmas, etc. For all he knew, I was living mostly like a JW and maybe in his mind, he was thinking I might be saved.
One funny moment happened on the way to the memorial service. I was warning my kids not to believe everything about what they were going to hear (as a kindergartener and a 1st grader, they are impressionable). I told them their grandpa believed all of the good dead people would come back to life again. My daughter asked, "so grandpa's going to be a zombie"?
He'll be missed by many. It's already wierd. We had teachers conferences this week and the kids are doing well. It's the sort of thing I'd look forward to telling my dad. And there's going to be an empty spot during the weekends when I would call him every week.
With him gone, that's one less family member I have to worry about not talking to me and one less remaining tether to the JWs. I've manged to avoid DF/DA and tried to keep it that way so that I could continue my relationship with my family. Without dad, that leaves two sisters. I often thought that after my dad died, things would change. I would give a big middle-finger to the JWs and tell them off in a disassociation letter. But I don't feel that way now. To what end? It's not going to help show anybody the light. The elders would just shake their heads and file it away. And I do still have the two sisters. I often thought that after dad died, I'd work on getting them out. I just don't know where to start. I planted the seed with my non-JW neice. I asked her whether her mom (my sister) ever questions it. Apparently she does sometimes. I told her that when her mom does, to have her mom call me. We'll see. My older sister is probably a bit tougher. She just doesn't want conflict. She'd rather go with the status-quo.
Another interesting item. While going through his things, we found (and I snagged) and old notebook with meeting minutes from the quarterly elders meetings from the early 70's through about 1980 when there was a hall merger. Interesting stuff. There were no juicy bits, like info about JCs. But there was a lot about why this or that one should/shouldn't be made an elder or MS. Things like attitude, meeting attendance, family issues, etc. were all factors in promotion/demotion. There were usual business issues (dividing bills with the other hall, heater not working, etc). The thing that seemed to come through was concern. This is what I was saying about the people from my first two halls: concerned, caring. Not to say they had the truth, but they did try to fulfill their roles as best they could, with the intention that they were helping.
Maybe I'll post excerpts some day.
