JW marriage are they real (page 2)

Mickey mouse

I agree with Lady Lee. Whether a marriage survices one partners exit from the WT very much depends upon what the couple have in common aside from being in the borg and whether the other mate is a dyed in the wool dub.

hotchocolate

It was the religion that made me realise I had no choice but to leave my marriage. Everytime I raised my doubts, I became the enemy. In my opinion, there's no way you can stay in marriage like that. Perhaps if I'd had a more open minded partner, it might have been different. I don't believe it's any reflection on that person. It's just a sad symptom of the mind control.

x

oompa

hottiechoco........but WHY do we feel the need to raise the doubts?.....why not just just say zero and let them be?......if they need it they need it and if some day they do not, then they will quit.........i say we cause for some reason it drives me nuts she will not listen to ANYTHING of a questionin nature.........oompa

undercover

Are JW marriages real?

There is no yes or no answer to this. The answer for each couple is different.

There are some who, when trying to free themselves from the control of this religion, find their marriages in trouble because their mate is still loyal to the organization. If the mate is zealous enough in their service to the religion, it could force a wedge between them and ultimately lead to seperation/divorce. This may be a case of being married to the bOrg first, their mate second.

There is an argument to be said that JW marriages aren't as real because the Society themselves have said that each JW should put Jehovah first in their lives (Jehovah = Organization), even over family. If a truly dedicated JW is as zealous as the Society wants them to be, then by all rights they should put the organization first over a mate that becomes outspoken against the religion. But there's no provision for divorce over this division...maybe seperation, but not divorce. That's where the real problem becomes evident. If the issue is such that the marriage bond is severly damaged, what good is it to remain together?

But OTOH:

Some have been able to leave the religion while their mate stays active. They may have some conflicts but they learn to allow each one the freedom to decide for themselves what they'll do. In this case, is seems that the marriage is strong enough to work through this change, though it may always be a point of contention.

Then there are the happy cases:

There are some who have found their mates receptive to their research and had little conflict once the evidence was presented. There are some on this board who were able to bring their whole family out with them. I'd say those marriages were real. The mate cared enough to listen to what the other had to say and were open-minded enough to consider the information and evidence. Real love (along with some rational thought) won out over dedication to an organization.

keyser soze

I think they're like a lot of other marriages. When two people no longer share the same values or ideals as they did when they first married, it can cause a strain. She married you with the belief that you valued the "truth" in the same way she did. In turn, you married her knowing how important her religion was to her, or at least you should have. It's really no differen't than if a couple marry with the understanding that they both want children, or neither one does. Then, one of them changes their mind after that. It doesn't mean that they stop loving each other, only that they now want differen't things out of the marriage.

OnTheWayOut

We are all over the map on marriages between a believer and a former believer.
Many good comments here.

Young believers, especially born-in JW's, do marry younger than outsiders. Outsiders are
having sex before they are 20- way before in most cases. Young JW's want to get out of
Mom and Dad's house and start having sex. That's the number one reason they get
married. Older JW's too. They want to have sex.

After the marriage starts, it depends on so many things. Most JW's expected to marry a
JW that would support their religion. If they were a deep believer and very active, they
expected their mate to at least not be negative and at best to be at their side for conventions
and field service and help them with their Theocratic School assignments. They expect to
be able to gossip to each other about work and about the brothers and sisters at the hall.
One stops believing and that takes away 50% of their gossip, more if the "brother" were a
night janitor so he can make all his meetings, and a whole lot more if she's a "pioneer."

My wife and I developed a life together and created a bond. We traveled together, we learned
to like knowledge, both of JW stuff and of outside stuff. We appreciated butterflies and rainbows
and alligators and museums and Thai food together. I helped her get an education and she
helped me to get a better job. We became a team despite the fact that we were mainly in this
three-cord marriage.

By the time I knew that I had to get out of the JW's, I had a good thing going with my wife.
Some don't get that because they were struggling to juggle the 5 meetings, the minimum-wages,
the kids, the conventions. Their whole life revolves around the JW's and they don't have the
time or the money, or they are told that outside interests are bad, so they don't develop a life
bond outside of religion. I managed to do it because I slowly opened my eyes. Many years
passed as my doubts grew, so I found it okay to have outside interests. Plus, no kids- that
little JW belief (the end is imminent, don't have kids) helped me out.

There's also the matter of cognitive dissonance. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance)
(Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.)

If one mate is bothered so much by outside thoughts, the mate is an irritant. If you have your own
dissonance, you reduce it by changing your attitude, behavior, actions, beliefs to align with the things WTS
teaches you. If your mate causes the same dissonance, then you might reduce it by changing your interaction
or cutting it off.

While I maintain a good marriage to a JW, she goes through that. She forgets that I am no longer a believer
and shares some gossip from the Kingdom Hall or cites something interesting about gay people or "worldly"
holidays that she expects me to agree with her on. I try to make her think for herself instead of relying on
JW teachings, so I will not usually go along with her belief. It disturbs her. I have to be careful because she is
still in a dangerous mind-control cult. Luckily, she still values our marriage and is able to reconcile her cognitive
dissonance enough to stay out of my relationship with the organization (iow, Jehovah).

I am truly sorry that your mate couldn't do it. It is easy for us to say MOVE ON, but it is not easy to do.
It may have never been a REAL marriage or it may have been too much for her to handle the mental dissonance
no matter what bond you had. Best of wishes to you.

Jerry in Chicago

BurnTheShips

That was great Jerry.

dismayed

I think the WT lifestyle puts more stress on a marraige than "worldly" marraiges, yet if things aren't working, there is no provision to either end or heal the marraige. Counseling? Certainly frowned upon if you go to a worldly counselor. Other than that, if you go to the elders, you are told to be a "submissive wife" or "a loving head" thats the extent of WT marraige counseling.

OnTheWayOut

Great point on counseling. Tons of people, JW or not, go through divorce or things that could lead to
divorce. If people have a strong religious belief, their minister might actually try to help them.

But JW elders are only trained to help the organization. If you have trouble in your marriage, serve
Jehovah more in line with what WTS says- especially you wives. Just be obedient and get your service
time in.

One mate no longer believing the religion gives the other no alternatives with the JW's. Marriage
counseling is dangerous according to them. Gotta watch out for expert advice from Satan's world. The
believer might ask the elders what to do- we all know that won't help.

Luo bou to

Dissonance

My wife agreed to go with me to a so called worldly counsellor. He simply told her she had cognative dissonance that no matter what I said she would find fault with it. He said look I'll prove it and asked me to talk about the weather. Having proved his point he then said to her Only you can change that. After we left she held my hand. We were like a honeymoon couple again. Did she love me YES was she allowed to NO because it did not take very long for the JW mindset to kick in. Some of you talk about normal marriage relationships and I agree with what you say But this was not normal This was mind controll. At one time she was open to reason and was asking me questions I did not give her answers I gave her the reasons why I now thought the way I did, allowing her to draw her own conclusions She felt uncomfortable with the conclusions she was coming to and spoke to the elders about them. They said "Be carefull that I was very clever(inferance devious,cunning a threat) with my arguments" Thats it thats all they had to say and she stopped thinking for herself Now that is controll

JW marriage are they real

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