Man am i glad to finally be able to register!!
I've been a lurker here for several months, well the old forum is where my lurking began.
I am very lucky. I was able to fade without being hunted down. Moving out of State, being gone, then moving back and never settling back into the hall certainly helped. I've read some of your stories on here and feel for you, and realize how fortunate i was to just walk away.
My wife and i got married at a young age, she was raised in the truth, i was brought into the Org at about 10 years of age, and was baptized at age 13. We progressed along quiet well. She regular pioneered for a few years, then aux pioneered after we had children. I became a M.S. at a young age, was considered a very good speaker, and began giving public talks at only 21 years of age. I was loaded with responsibility. Became the Watchtower Study Conductor, 2nd School Overseer, and Book Study Conductor. I'm not even sure if a M.S. is given that much responsibility these days.
When the C.O. came to visit, the elders recommended me to become and elder, the C.O. approved, and i refused. I felt that was a privledge that i didn't deserve at that particular time. I felt that my hours in field service was not good enough for me to be considered elder material. All i remember taking away from the District Convention was that i should do more in the ministry. (Sound familiar)?? Never mind that i worked full time and had a family of 4 to support.
What really bothered me was nagging ?'s i had about certain issues. I watched Brothers and Sisters become weak spiritually, and rather than them being encouraged, they were marked as bad association, and the friends stayed away. This was something i simply could not fathom. I usually went on my own, did not report the time, and tried to help where i could. I also felt being an elder was being closer to God, and these men should be above reproach. I really looked up and admired these men. Some things begin to happen that changed my view on this.
A couple of police officers i knew questioned me about one brother who was under investigation for child molestation. They were trying hard to nail him, telling me that so far about 12 young girls had come forward accusing him of this horrible crime. One being his own young daughter!!! This really hit me hard.
Then, a young brother that i had been friends with his entire life, came to me and told me that he had been sexually assualted for years by 2 brothers in our Hall, one being our Presiding Overseer!! He hadn't even told his parents yet. He was grown, about 18 years old at that time.
I was simply stunned.
I had suspected the brothers in question were closet homosexuals, but i had no solid proof, till now. I told the young brother, and my friend, that a stand had to be made, and i would be there beside him. This was 20 years ago, but i still feel the rage as we sat with that young victim in the elders meeting, and one of the elders asked him if he was sure that he hadn't JUST DREAMED IT ALL UP!!!!! Some heated words were exchanged in that meeting, and i guess i was fortunate that they didn't disfellowship me, but at that point, i did not care.
Thus, my fade began.
Both my wife's parents, most of her family, and mine, including my parents, are zealots. This fade had become difficult on her. She felt we were letting Jehovah down. I assured her that we were still the same good people, but i felt lost as well. Occasionally i felt the pull, the need to be at the meetings. These were difficult times.
Thats when i found Crisis of Conscience online.
I read it early in the mornings, and late at night when my wife was asleep. I peered over my shoulder, scared to death she would catch me, and freak out. I gobbled up everything i could find online, including this site. Suddenly i felt peace. I wasn't crazy after all! For the first time in 20 years, i had peace. I new that i had to risk everything, and tell my wife. She was my soulmate, my best friend, and i couldn't keep this from her. I was scared to death however that she would not, could not accept what i had to tell her.
She had beaten herself up for the last 20 years, feeling rotten, like she wasn't worthy of Jehovah. We have all fallen out of "The Truth" she would say.
I felt like she deserved to know what "The Truth" really was.....................