"I cannot sing the words to the songs either, they would stick in my throat. The chairman must see me standing statuesque with a randomly open songbook, but never says anything ..I let my mind wander of in the prayer.
I try to talk to the dubs, if my state of mind allows..Individually they are decent people
No doubt we will not be the only ones from this side of the fence at the Memorial tonight,,"
BluesBrother,
These words were me last night and served as the motivation to register on this board after the memorial. I've been lurking here for 3 weeks and lacking faith in the org for years. I was a MS 10+ years ago (early twenties) and as I've worked to become one again I realized how really controlling, backward and unscriptural the game, er, org is. I've prayed to God for faith intensely for months now, to make my way CLEAR. He did.
I must say I'm glad to have come to this conclusion on my own, THEN come here, and other sites, to have all my concerns and doubts confirmed. I talked to my wife of 9 years the other day about this and she took it fairly well. I'm not pushing her too hard, just letting her know that I am trying to apply Rom 12:2 and prove to myself "the good and acceptable and perfect will of God". She is open to talking and cool with me proving it to myself, though she thinks I'll prove the org to be "the truth". Downside is she is 3rd gen JW and ALL her fam is in, and it is a huge and GREAT family that I am very close to and have a lot of history with. I know if we were DF/DA many would still talk to us, but if we faded MOST of them would. FIL is PO, SIL pio'd for years, and wife and I pio'd a while too. I do have one BIL that a few years ago was talking about some very apostate things but seems to be doing "better" now. I am going to innocently talk to him about it and see what ever happened. I am hoping he is still on the fence or just doing it for fam reasons. He and I were very close friends, maybe best friends, even before he was my BIL. My mom is in and "weak", but doing "better" all the time. She would probably drop me like a hot potato if I DA'd. That thought kills me, as the only positive things in her life are me and my kids, her grand babies.
One of the many things that first led to my subversive thinking was that as much as I am in love with my sons, I would never reject a blood transfusion for them if it were the last option to preserve their life. Also, I know of 2 pedophiles that were appointed (1 ms & 1 elder), albeit unknown to the cong elders. I know this firsthand as I was a victim of one of them. But that hit me like a ton of bricks that even if the elders didn't know, God does, and it is supposedly HIS holy spirit guiding the appointments. I had thought about this since childhood, but always just put it out of my mind like a good JW does. I downloaded CoC and am currently reading it also, just confirming more of my thoughts.
My wife and I are in great place to start fading (though I doubt she will at this point), as we have missed over a month of meetings (until the memorial) due to sickness and being out-of-town. Then I was asked to carry emblems the day before the memorial. I didn't feel I could do it. My last talk a few weeks ago I canceled too, it was about why God doesn't perform miracles anymore. It's a hard fall down a VERY slippery slope. At least it ends in freedom and in my early thirties and babies at home we still have the hope of a real life. Thus my handle says I'm "getting a firm hold on the real life". I now plan on going back to school, and if I want my boys to be in the Boy Scouts, karate, soccer, and go to college, they damn well get to!
Anyway, enough about me. BluesBrother, thanks for posting what not only I but many others feel. I have always enjoyed singing at the KH, and I still do when it has nothing to do with the org or its specific doctrines. At those times my mouth goes dry, I don't sing and my wife notices. There are so many wonderful ("decent")people there that I love to claim as friends, but that feeling is tempered by knowing that my friendship with them is very tentative.
I realize this is kind of thread hijacking... sorry. I just wanted to thank BluesBrother for his thoughts, then I got carried away... and it feels good.
-Getting a firm hold on the real life