Need some help

by Vitameatavegamin 10 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Vitameatavegamin

  Hello friends,

  I am in a situation that I am really at a loss as to what to do.

  Basically, we have quit going to meetings. I really don't even want to be a part of the malarkey any longer. But, as with alot of JWs, I am just trying to quietly fade away so as to avoid any hassles. Well, it is not working as well as I thought. My parents are very involved with the JWs, my father is an elder. I have a 13 year old son that loves to go over to their house to see my 19 year old brother(my son's uncle). Anyway, what has started happening is they only seen to want him over when there is something to do with a meeting or their family study. They have him over on meeting nights and sundays, but don't have alot else to do with him. My dilemma is that my son has no friends anymore in the cong. All the parents will not let their kids associate with my son, for all the reasons that need no further explanation. My son is a really good kid, by no means a bad associate for anyone. Better than alot of the kids in the Cong.
  However, my son does not want to go to the meetings anymore and feels that if he does not, he will not be welcome at his grandparent's home, which is his only social life right now. He is too young to have to deal with this type of thing emotionally and it is taking it's toll. He grades are falling at school, he seems to be withdrawing socially and won't try to make new friends. He feels that to have the approval of his grandparents he has to go through all the hoops even though it is not in his heart to do all this. He has to make them believe he want's to go to the K.H. because he is afraid. I have had it with all of this nuttiness. How do I handle this with my parents? I too admittedly lack courage to really tell them. But my son is faced with losing his only social outlet. What should I do?? I would really like your opinions in this matter. Thanks so much!!!!!

  Vita
• 

  dungbeetle

  >"emotionally and it is taking it's toll. He grades are falling at school, he seems to be withdrawing socially and won't try to make new friends. He feels that to have the approval of his grandparents he has to go through all the hoops even though it is not in his heart to do all this. He has to make them believe he want's to go to the K.H. because he is afraid. I have had it with all of this nuttiness.<"

  This sounds like the beginning of a depression. I recommend some research on the subject, then keep a close eye out on him and others.

  >"Anyway, what has started happening is they only seen to want him over when there is something to do with a meeting or their family study. They have him over on meeting nights and sundays, but don't have alot else to do with him."<

  This sounds like a 'marking' due to 'bad association' to me, you can look in the organization book and see if I'm wrong, but again that's what it sounds like to me.

  You might seriously consider the JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES RELOCATION PROGRAM...I s**t you not. MOVE!! Far away!!! People do it if they have to, a way is found or made. Many have tried it with measurable success, and I plan on doing it myself later in the year. (And afterwards throwing an 'Out of Cult' party!!)

  What your folks are doing to your son sounds like emotionl/psychological abuse to me...and personally I would like to see a child completely removed from an environment like that.

  Anyway, I'm sure you will get all kinds of good ideas from this board, please don't 'kneejerk' reject any of them without a lot of thought.

  Sorry for your situation, and I wish you the best.

  ((((((((( Vitameatavegamin ))))))))))))))

  BITE ME, WATCHTOWER!!!

  ediated for spielling...
• 

  rekless

  why don't you sit dowmn with your dad and ask him flat out, Dad, Why is it you only want Johnny over when it is spritually up building meeting and never in a family outing?

  Let the ball be in his court.
• 

  Kristen

  Vita,
  I'm so sorry to hear about these developments in your life. The familiar scenario plays out once again. Extracting one's life from the organization never seems to be an easy task, and often requires the one(s) leaving to sacrifice friends, family, and even emotional well-being for some time. Damn them!

  All of our situations are unique, and we each must decide what the best course of action to do is. I really feel for you and for your son. You are right, he is too young to have to deal with this sort of thing, but the fact is he has no choice about the rules which others choose to follow. And neither do you. You can only control what you do from this point forward.

  How do I handle this with my parents? I too admittedly lack courage to really tell them. But my son is faced with losing his only social outlet.

  IMO, I think one of the first things you need to do is find the courage within yourself to be honest with your parents. I have the exact set-up as you do in this regard, and held off for many years before I was square with them about my feelings. Once I got beyond that, other things became easier.

  As far as your son... he may seem to be losing quite a bit right now, and it WILL be tough for some time. He is learning a valuable lesson about the conditional love of the JWs. Fortunately, he has you! And now he is free to have what so many of us couldn't: friends at school, able to take part in sports and other extra-curricular activities, community involvment, etc. Maybe in time you could consider a program like Big Brothers or something. I'm sure others will offer other useful suggestions too.

  I have confidence that you will get through this. Maybe with some scars, which is unfortunate, but not uncommon for all of us. Many have been there and will help support you along the way.

  I wish you the best,
  Kristen

  free to be me
• 

  think41self

  {{{{Vita}}}}

  I am so sorry you and your son are dealing with this. So many of us have faced similar issues with relatives. Basically, they are showing your son very conditional love. If he is a good little boy, and goes to meetings and studies, he can still be accepted by them. Of course he resents that...any thinking person would. If you are able to explain to him what they are doing to him, it may help. Understanding something is the first step in dealing with it in a healthy way.

  As far as trying to reason with your parents, you of course are free to try that approach...I personally think it a waste of time. You will not be able to get a JW to reason on anything.

  As for your son, besides your support, it might be very beneficial for him to have therapy...or at the very least, speak to a doctor about symptoms of depression and possible treatments. Please do not overlook it and hope it will go away in time. The sooner he gets help, the better. It would also be great if you could encourage him to develop more friends through school...activities, sports, clubs...whatever he has an interest in. He needs to see that not everyone thinks like JW's, and that he can have friends who accept him the way he is. I wish you the best with this. We have three teenage boys, and they have all undergone therapy in the last 2 years. BEST thing we ever did for them...besides getting them out of the borg.

  think41self

  Holy Flying Screaming Buddha, Batman!
• 

  wonderwoman77

  Hi there. I feel like I might understand your son's situation a little. I was brought into the org when I was 13 and it is a downer to make a kid do that when they do not want to. I would encourage your son to get involved in things at school, he is at that age where he can make a lot of great friends by doing stuff he enjoys. I was pulled out of basketball and other sports at 14 and I regret that. Also, maybe have him tell his grandparents that he would rather come over on non meeting days, see how it goes. I know what you are both going through is very hard. Leaving is hard. I left quietly when I went to college and no one made a big fuss. I wish you the best. If your son seems to get more depressed, you might want to look into counseling before it takes it toll. Good luck again.....
• 

  Frenchy

  Talking to your parents about it openly and frankly sounds like a good idea...until you realize that they are Witnesses with an agenda to convert the world and nurture the concept that (lies in their heart of hearts) they alone are worthy of salvation.

  Do you suppose they will ever stop trying to 'save' him?
  Do you suppose they will ever 'accept' him as long as he doesn't accept 'the truth'?

  Every fiber of their being is screaming out to them to save that boy. There is no way your son can understand, much less cope, with that. You only have to look at the posts here by adults who are being torn apart by the same situation.

  It's extremely difficult to actually talk to a Witness inasmuch as everything they hear is first filtered through the conditioning that's been ingrained in them. They will have to see the real truth before they will treat your son (or anyone else for that matter) any differently.

  So if you can't talk to them, what is left? Your son. Talk to him and help him to understand how your parents are victims here. He will then be in a much better position to deal with this. Remember he is still a child but the old saying holds true: In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king! He will have one eye in the land of the blind.

  Wonderwoman's suggestion is valid as well. Let him make new friends so that he will have some support and not be totally dependent on Witnesses which are at the very moment deserting him anyway. But remember to keep an eye on the friends he is making and that not all friends are good. Don't forget to instill in him right and wrong as well. He needs all of that right now. He needs to know he is being watched over and cared for and loved.
• 

  joelbear

  Vita,

  You won't change your parents. They pretty much have an agenda of making sure that their time with your son is witness related.

  I would suggest the following:

  1. Invite your brother over to your house or plan social outings for the three of you. Do the same with your parents.

  2. Start a new social life for your son. What is he interesting in? Probably dozens of things. Pick 3 and get him involved with kids his age that share those 3 interests.

  3. Start teaching him now that seeking approval from others by trying to fit yourself into their slotted definitions of "approved" is not a successful life strategy. It simply doesn't work. Instead, he should be himself and seek the company of those who approve of him, not those who seek to define him.

  peace

  Joel
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  patio34

  Hi Vita,

  Nice to hear from you! Sorry your situation is so difficult, but you've got the right idea, IMHO, to gather ideas. "The way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas."

  What comes to my mind is that knowledge is power. Make sure that your son is well informed about the WTS. Be sure he understands what is causing all the trouble: the WTS.

  I would also read up on exiting cults.

  Then, as has been suggested, look into school and community activities to get the social ball rolling.

  You are progressing and 'hard work brings good luck.'

  A really great book to delineate you and your son's interest is "Wishcraft" by Barbar Sher. That could give a lot of direction for him (or anybody).

  There may be some non-team activities for your son to break the ice on and easier to make new friends. I'm not familiar with hi school these days.

  If he starts to fill up his life more, it'll crowd out the negative activities with JW family.

  I wouldn't discount therapy, even just short-term, to help the family over this hump.

  All the other ideas on this thread seem to be very helpful.

  Good luck!
  Pat
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  Nathan Natas

  In addition to the good suggestions already given, it might be helpful for YOU to talk with a counselor at your boy's school to get an idea of what they might suggest.

  Your son is at the age when he should be beginning to see that there is a place for him in the world. The Witnesses will rob him of that. Don't let it happen!