What is wrong with a new Friend, be patient. Then they will be your old Friend.
Give your new Friend a chance. You want Friends that will like you for yourself
And don't want to change you. I think about my old Friends, but I 'm glad I moved on.
It's not the same to make NEW FRIENDS, I want to keep my OLD FRIENDS - Am I right?
by BonaFide 26 Replies latest jw friends
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Sunspot
I SO understand the part of your heart that longs for the years of freindships that you thought were your spiritual brothers and sisters....bonded forever from this life and into another one in a paradise on earth.
I developed many friendships like this living in three states and having been an active member in four different Kingdom Halls. I had also been the devoted, loyal and obedient WTS follower that had discarded all the friends I had from High School and ignored all the relatives that were not "following Jehovah" as I was directed to do.....so I had pretty much isolated myself to ONLY other WTS devotees by the time I decided the organization was a complete fraud.
Living in a very small town, and being disabled...."making friends" in the usual way presented many problems for me....and being 58 years of age when I walked away from the WTS, made it very difficult to not feel quite lonely. I was so blessed to have the internet not only to help me become aware that I had been sucked in by a cult, but also to find some of the greatest and most terrific former JW friends I could ever hope to meet...if only by email, mailing lists and EXJW forums.
As with anything else in life, you have to weigh the odds, see what works the best for you, and go for it. Volunteering for a worthy cause and doing for others....joining clubs that are hobby and interest-oriented, or visiting different churches that interest you will also help to find folks of like mind that you can feel comfortable being around. The rest should fall into place.
We have the freedom to choose what we want to do and the freedom to choose who we want to spend our time with....no longer bound to the ever-growing list of the cannots and the do nots that the GB keep thinking up every year to keep their cult followers busy in servitude to THEM and delivering THEIR literature.
We have been FREED from an evil and dangerous cult.....and with common sense and a feeling of anticipation....our lives and our choices are OURS!
hugs,
Annie
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flipper
BONAFIDE- The one thing that's an advantage to me making new friends on the board is that being ex-JW's they still have had the same experiences having been witnesses like our old friends - only they are more enlightened as to what the whole witness scam was about so they are more understanding of what we are going through in exiting the witness cult.
One suggestion I might make is look up old friends that you know who may have been witnesses but left the organization as well. I have looked one of my old friends up from 25 years ago and found out he left the cult 5 years before I did ! So we get those pleasant surprises as well at times . Moving on is hard- I feel for you - but to have a happy future it's important to get a good support group going so you have connections. If you ever want to talk- I'll be your friend. I'll PM you my number. Hang in there, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
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steve2
BonaFide, how genuine are your old friends if they'll drop you like a hot potato once they know you no longer parrot what they believe? Your sense of impending grief is based on reality because you know that will happen.
A "wise"course is to build up your new friendships before your so-called old friends reject you.
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Scott77
BonaFide is in state of transition to new non JW world reality . Iam sorry for this gal because he was a former CO, kind of WTS Heavies on the block. Well, his 'friends' are hypocrites to say the least because he loves them more than they do to him. They are going to leave him once it becomes obvious he is an 'Apostate'. Having been with the WTS through his youth days and now being something like 43 of age, Mr. BonaFide's effort to get and cultivate new non JW friends is gonna be a challenge for him. My advise is that, he needs to realise that new friends will bring in flesh perspective and new world view, something JW friends will not. Also, as a tip, he can still socializel with non-JW people he knows without necessarily calling them friends. Based on my expereinces, I can do all my work, 99% of the times without the need for the so called friends. By and large, we are entirely different animals.
Scott77
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boyzone
Its a difficult one Bonafide. Friends are important and old friends valuable in their way. I still miss my old JW friends even though I fluctuate between loving and hating them. I see them most days and they have hurt me deeply by literally turning their backs on me as I passed them, especially hurtful when my mum was fighting cancer and I could've done with a smile from them.
You have to be so so careful here. Think carefully about how you really feel about these friends. What makes them friends? Why are they friends with you? What would happen if you openly disagreed with the Society yet was still the same friendly guy? Would they still be your friend? Would they be able to see beyond this and see the same good mate behind it?
These are really important questions to consider. For heavens sake don't make the costly mistake I made. I genuinely thought my lifelong old JW friends would be able to see I was the same gal they had always loved, just my opinion of the Society had changed. I thought they would understand and accept my change of heart. I didn't expect to "convert" anyone, and wasn't planning a campaign to let everyone know my thoughts. I kept my opinion very low-key and didn't discuss my views with anyone outside my family.
I da'd due to elders getting twitchy because I was attending a christian housegroup. Since that time, not one single dear "friend" has spoken to me. Not a single one. None of them has asked me for my reasons and none of them showed me any fellow feeling when mum was ill. Without exception, the friends I thought I had turned out to be the worst kind.
I am bitterly disappointed in them and deeply hurt by their lack of love yet my own naievty is also to blame here too. The friendships I thought were based on many years spent together, shared experiences, good times, intimate conversations and shared confidences weren't based on these things at all. They were totally conditional on me being a JW.
This experience has been a painful lesson for me, very painful. So don't be naive. If you want to keep these friends, then remain a Witness at all costs, for you won't be able to have one without the other. If however you want true friendships, friendships that are based on the person you are, not on what you believe, then you have to start widening out now.
This is what I did and I've since found a group of really great friends who I haven't known very long (2-3 years) but we've had the best of times. And whats more important, they like me because I'm me, not because of what I believe.
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merfi
Boyzone, I could have written most of your post. A few things really stood out for me:
The friendships I thought were based on many years spent together, shared experiences, good times, intimate conversations and shared confidences weren't based on these things at all. They were totally conditional on me being a JW.
So very true! I was 'in' for around 15 years and the "friends" I had had seen me through a marriage, the birth of three babies (one was even there for the delivery -- that is a friend! lol), been my shoulder when my cheating creep of a now-ex was screwing with my head and my heart and were 'friends' in every sense of the word... I thought. They were there to go to movies with, out to coffee with or just to hang out and do nothing with. Most of the time, there wasn't really even the mention of the religion that was the common thread that tied us together - I guess I felt there was no need as it was friendship, not religion, right?? ha.... I certainly have found this out in the past three years since I DA'd. I can count on one hand how many times I've 'interacted' with JWs who know my 'status', and that was to pick up some things from one's business, go thru one's checkout at the store (she stayed to the script!), draw blood as one was a patient and the one BIG one was when the one who was there for my son's birth added me on msn messenger and FB. For about a week. Then her "conscience" got the best of her and she booted me. Whatever. Yes, it still bugs me... On the other hand, I've gotten over it all mostly and refuse to play by their 'rules'. Saying a big "HI DAVE!!!" to a JW in the movie theater and seeing the cringe and stammer was pretty entertaining. I would and will do it again if I meet other JWs out and about.
If however you want true friendships, friendships that are based on the person you are, not on what you believe, then you have to start widening out now.
I've since found a group of really great friends who I haven't known very long (2-3 years) but we've had the best of times. And whats more important, they like me because I'm me, not because of what I believe.
I have my now-husband to thank for my current circle of many, many friends, some of whom are becoming pretty darn close ones. I met him at the end of 2006 after about 9 months of weird, friendless lonely after my DA. I hadn't planned on DAing, but I kind of had a moment of "I am NOT going to take this crap and be treated like this anymore" and went home to write a letter after taking a big breath I didn't release until I handed three copies to the three elders. I SORT of knew the consequences, but decided that whatever 'friends' I lost because they chose their dumb religion over me were never 'friends' to begin with. Pretty sad when there was 15 years of history.... Not a single one, besides the week's worth of communication from that only one, has reached out to me.... Thank goodness I had my family and work friends to hold me up. And still do.
So the friends I have now -- they are the greatest. They won't berate me for my clothing being "worldly" (that's what you're SUPPSOSED to wear t the bar ;) ), they won't raise their eyebrows at me for a religious opinion that goes against theirs, they won't throw words like "bad association" or "independent thinking" at me. They embrace all of me and who I am. I don't have to put on any sort of religious game face or pretend I'm something I'm not. I absolutely love the life and friends I have now.So BF -- you've gotten a lot of good advice and experiences (that word still sticks in my craw) here. Mine is to take it all in and decide what is best for you and your situation. How much loss you can handle if you leave vs how much you'll gain by that same leaving. Making friends on the outside now is the key I think. I did it after DAing and it was pretty sucky, but I survived. Marrying Mr Social helped, too :) I wish you the best...
~merfi