I have been so worked up and worried for years about the end and Armageddon that I have headaches, depression, and all kinds of maladies. Been having troubles with it since 4th grade and nothing seems to help. Just being at the Kingdom Hall is mentally taxing, just anything JW is mentally taxing. Tonight I went over to a gentleman's house to help him work on his computer. He knows me from work, I'm good at computers, and I not only love to fix them but teach people as well so they realize it's just fear of the unknown that makes it scary. The 2 hours I was over there, I completely forgot about Armageddon. We talked about corruption in the workplace, some political issues (of which I could care less), lamented corruption in the legal system, about thunderstorms and tornadoes, etc. I almost didn't want to leave because it meant slipping back into this depression riddled world I live in. "In due season we shall reap if we do not tire out," I think. Something is just really nice about being ignorant of the world scene. It struck me though that the whole reason I have so much trouble with witnessing is because I'm a non-confrontational person and this indeed puts you in a confrontational situation. If only I could have a relaxing chat with some sane JWs about topics such as hobbies and personal interests instead of it being punctuated with guilt and terror. "In the new system where knowledge of Jehovah is commonplace we will have this kind of peace," I think to myself. I find that when you know what the future will bring (good or bad), it completely and utterly ruins your life in the present. Then to know there are tests to determine your "faithfulness" and whether you're fit to live on the earth or not just totally robs the enjoyment of life for me. I actually researched purchasing valium online because one healthy does of that can put you out of your misery forever. I guess I need to read and concentrate more on topics such as God/Jehovah's love, mercy, kindness, as well as Jesus' qualities instead of having this JW-driven idea of the both of them being tyrants willing to kill you at the drop of a hat. It's how I feel all the time. Another thing I noticed at this gentleman's house is that his 2 boys have girlfriends and they have their pictures up all over the house. Just really a nice family-oriented atmosphere. I've noticed that the relaxed atmosphere in "worldly" homes seems to create a nice & loving feeling. I'm sure a fair amount of worldly youth get involved in sexual sins, however I suddenly realized that in an environment as that, even if I had the chance to have sex before marriage with a young lady, I just couldn't do it to her out of respect and love for her. It seems that incessant fear-mongering about sins does nothing but create an atmosphere of distrust and you can't even act like a human being anymore. It struck me then, that a true test of morality is how you behave when you no longer fear discipline for wrong-doing or dwell on the what ifs all the time. All of a sudden, at least to me, it takes away the desire to do wrong. As I kept thinking, I started to wonder, "How many people would still be in the truth if it was discovered that Armageddon wasn't going to come as soon as was thought or that it wasn't going to happen at all?" I imagined that scenario and I felt like a huge burden was lifted off of me. I started to daydream about being loving, enjoying life, and still having disgust and disdain for wrong-doing. What I could do that I enjoy instead of coming to Solomon's conclusion that everything was vanity and consequently making me give up on life?
It's my inordinate fear of death at Armageddon that is tainting my life and then I'm constantly reminded of it. It's a control issue and fear of how you can be killed for the slightest of wrongs that is destoying my joy. I've read about people who are diagnosed with terminal cancer and they, being right-to-die advocates, secure a bottle of nembutal or pentobarbital. The peace of mind that the sufferer gets from being able to end it at anytime gives them such peace of mind that in many instances, they tough it out until the disease takes them. So I'm curious if maybe I would see a huge relief by being able to end it all at anytime myself. It's a weird situation that is born out of feelings of loss of control but it's amazing to me, that by having the ability to end my life at anytime I wanted to, it actually gives me a desire to live to see if living is really worth it or not.
I've already sinned by thinking and by writing this post. Everything's a sin anymore. I've never understood why Jehovah has rules that are so insanely difficult to follow when those of us humans who take the Bible seriously, have to work so hard and put so much effort into just living. When you feel guilty for everything you do, why even bother living?
Any comments into this insight? I'm not really interested in Witness bashing as I am in just plain ol' common sense balance in biblical matters and plucking the brains of like-minded individuals who struggle along these same lines...
sign me silent