by homeschool 43 Replies latest jw friends
Lots of JW and ex-JW divorces because marriages made while under the influence of the JW are usually built on a poor foundation. How can you really get to know someone if you only ever hang out with them in large group settings before getting married?
"I didn't know my husband was into bestiality! He never participated in it while we were together in large well-lit Christian group settings!"
Wow Waffles!
Sacolton...so sorry to hear about your pending divorce. Especially since she just decided to leave the org. I thought you two were finally on the same path together. So sorry!
I think after you've been with someone so long, you come to know each other so well that things become too much of a routine and a little boring in a sense. There's that excitement that is missing. I think that is one reason for all the divorces, in my opinion.
Might have something to do with the fact JW's are expected to get married if there is a second date
homeschool... I think it depends on the people involved. For me, it was because my spouse no longer wanted the marriage and was being abusive towards me. He's never been able to answer why. I believe I know why from my observations. One of the issues is that he never figured out what he wanted out of life. So he went along with me, but ultimately, it angered him immensely. He suffers from rage and took it out on me. He was unwilling to get help. Everyone got to interact with Dr. Jekyll and I lived with Mr. Hyde. You cannot force someone to love you and when they decide they want something else, there's not much you can do.
I was dying in my marriage and I had to end it. I found I was the only one in it. My hubby admitted to me after we split that he had left the entire responsibility of the relationship up to me, that he is lazy, that he didn't know why he married me, and that he treated me poorly. He has yet to seek the specialized help that was recommended to him.
What I know is the following:
1) You need to have a principled foundation on which you base yourself.
2) You need to know what you want in life.
If you do not have these 2 things, a marriage is not going to work. Your other relationships will have difficulty as well.
Yes, I have read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is an excellent book. Bottom line is that even if the two of you have different love languages, it is up to the both of you to make the marriage work. When you find you are the only one in the relationship, it's over unless your partner wants to truly work at fixing it.
I don't agree with the statement about marriage taking the romance out of the relationship. I believe the people involved in the marriage do. I know couples who have been married for years and they still have lots of romance. It is up to the two of you. You both have to make the effort.
Ironically, marriages are more likely to end nowadays because people expect more from the marriage in terms of companionship and compatibility. I knew of several "dead" JW marriages in which the spouses were emotionally distant from each other - and virtually living separate lives - but who chose to stay together for the sake of their reputations.
Pressures upon relationships, including expectations, are vastly different from 2 or 3 generations ago. Spouses don't suffer in silence any more (whereas in the past, the expectation may have been to stick to the marriage because that was your "wifely" or "husbandly" role). People are also more aware of personal and relationship rights.
Thankfully, gone are the days when can abused spouses had few options other than staying and "trying" to change her man (or vice versa)! In some marriages, one spouse seems more like a parent, while the other is like a child. They're far from a relationship involving adults taking responsibility for their respective roles.
Many of my friends who are JWs have divorced. I believe the system set-up amongst JWs to keep courtship "pure" creates a false image of the real person they plan to marry.
The need for sex. Since sex before marriage is not permitted young ones get married way to soon. As many say, "It is better that they marry than commit fornication." Young couple are just too immature for the responsibilites of marriage. They soon end up divorced after they realize they made a huge mistake.
Dating. Most couples have never really date. There is always someone around to keep them from speaking honestly and reveal what truly is in their heart. In that setting it is always easy to present oneself in a better light and not reveal oneself completely.
Sexual compatibility. Knowing if you are sexually compatible with your future wife/husband is totally out of the question since sex before marriage is not permitted. I've had friends who on their honeymoon have realized that the "chemistry" in bed was not there. They end up marrying someone who cannot satisfy them sexually at all. Many sincerely try to make it work, but if your partner cannot satifsy you sexually - the marriage has a high probability of failing.
Money. A good number of friends were in the full-time ministry when they married. They attempted to keep pioneering, but the reality of rent/mortgage and endless bills wakes them up to a life they did not expect. Some do not have a skill or a trade to support the family sufficiently. Husband and wife end up angry with each other. Usually the wife would say, "My husband managed to support himself before we got married. But, I then realized he was getting help from his family and was not making much on his part-time salary. We have many bills and healthcare is like a luxury. How did I get into this mess?" (Those words were spoken to me by a close friend who got divorced)
Surprise! What surprise? That your husband/wife is truly homosexual and they got married to get their family/friends off their back. This nightmare happened to a close friend of mine. She just did not listen to anyone when we told her that the "brother" was truly gay. She would say, "He would not be a JW if he were gay. We get along so great. He understands me completely." After he husband hooked-up with some dude at work they got divorced. Her self esteem took a nosedive and it took years for her to get stable emotionally.
Sacolton, what a shock! I'm sorry to hear that. The last couple I would ever suspect of breaking up, that's for sure.
because people change....it only take one......i know this first hand....i have changed dramatically and do not fit in her world anymore...
to make a marriage like this works takes more than the average compromises imo.......oompa
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/31452178/ns/today_relationships/
HOMESCHOOL - I'm sorry to hear that lots of people you know are getting divorced. It is a common casualty today to be sure. But not " everyone " is getting divorced as you phrased it. Perhaps in your experience - but there are a lot of couples out there who are happily married . I was married and divorced 2 times in a period of 24 years ( 1st marriage 19 years , 2nd marriage year and a half. ) I've been happily married almost 3 years now to Mrs. Flipper who I met on E-harmony.com.
E-Harmony isn't for everyone but it does match people up on 29 points of familiarity and common values and interests which are shared.
" How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel " ? When selfishness takes over the relationship and one or both in the relationship only selfishly look for what THEY can get out of the romance. Unless two people really get one another and look out for each others interests and welfare unselfishly two hearts and minds cannot meet.
" What Makes a Couple know they need to keep fighting for love " ? When there is obvious good chemistry in the love between the two people and you are basically on the same page in your core values in life morally, ethically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually - then you know you have a solid basis to continue a relationship that will grow and not regress or go backwards.
" What makes a couple realize there's no more future " ? When one or the other does not share important core values in life. When the relationship becomes way, way too difficult to maintain because you are both on different planets - it could very well be that you are just not a good match. Yes- Relationships take work and sacrifice - very true - but if one partner asks you to scarfice who you are as a person and your positive values are being disrespected and you have to make all the changes and not the other person - it's time to wake up and smell the coffee and find someone who WILL respect your life and your values. Just my takes, hang in there - Real love does exist in the world - sometimes it takes time tofind the right person
