Hello, Tamara, my fellow fallen warrior! Thank you for your trust in Jehovah and His Word, even in your bruised and disoriented state. Theocratic warfare requires good assistance so that we all conquer as Jehovah wants us to. If I am a Friend to you, let it be to Jehovah's glory and praise. I'm glad for any way He can use me or others to help you get to the healthy relationship with Jehovah and others that we so much yearn for.
James 1:2-8 is very important to keep in mind, which emphasizes the importance of endurance and faith, as opposed to doubt, indecisiveness, and unsteadiness. Along with this, Hebrews 11:1,6 about faith, belief, and earnestness is also very helpful.
Perhaps, so that some of this insights stick better, may I suggest that you try to apply the principles right away in helping others on JWN (etc.). Faith and a positive attitude and a reliance on Scriptures, the Reasoning book, etc. will go along way in combatting the bitterness, discouragement, and misinformation you are bound to face, as you keep busy focusing your life and thoughts around what is true, of serious concern [to Jehovah], righteous, chaste, lovable, well-spoken-of, virtuous, and praiseworthy [Philippians 4:8].
When I'm in front of my computer, having the Comprehensive Concordance around is useful. If you have a WT-library on CD ROM, that is even better, perhaps, in some ways. Having said that, I find that not having access to a WT CD works just fine, helping me with my focus. If I take the time to manually look things up, and type by hand (rather than just cut-and-paste), the scriptural counsel sticks better with me. Also, by using the Reference Bible and its Index, I have the access to illuminating footnotes and I note added scriptures in the margins of my Bible Index for future use from my research.
You may find it helpful to attend as I do, regularly and with all the publications currently being studied, as a student (disciple) taking notes, and wholeheartedly singing Jehovah's praise at every opportunity, whether you feel you can sing well, or not. You will then have access to all the magazines, including the study editions.
I view my "house-to-house ministry" (which we sing about) this way: I'm in my house ministering from my computer, I'm in Jehovah's house (the KH) ministering in song, and whatever other "house" I have a legitimate reason to be in. I minister by avoiding the works of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21,24,26) as best I can, and practicing the fruitage of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23,25) as I rely on the spirit of Jehovah's Word, the Bible for carrying out all of my daily life.
One of the advantages of going to all the meetings in a DF'd mode, it's much easier to practice "marking" regarding those who don't practice what they preach. We are all warned about such ones at 2 Timothy 3:5: they "[have] a form of godly devotion, but [prove] false to its power". The remedy mentioned there is to "turn away" from these, just as we do if some approaches one of us, and we say "I'm disfellowshipped" and then walk as we know we ought, avoiding chance of further conversation with them. We don't have to be fake just because others around us are. We can offer a better way, and look for assocates who are interested in the Kingdom solutions which we look forward to also. Jehovah can help us do that [make us stand, as I quoted above]. We learn from who we are exposed to. If we hear Jehovah's words (such as at the KH, Memorial, SAD, CA, and DC), we can focus on them being from Jehovah, rather than on the imperfect human being that happens to be giving the message. If you're in a new area, that may be easier, even if you do have to put up with hearing the announcement that "[palmtree67] is disfellowshipped" when you first attend, or soon there after. If the "man who loves you" really does love you, then he'll gladly go with you so that your desire for upbuiding fellowship can be real and deep, not just superficial.
May you, my sister in the faith, have the peace that Jehovah can give, not the kind the world talks about. You can PM me anytime. The palm tree is well-spoken-of in Scripture. May you be also, as you think and walk in the narrow way that leads to everlasting life.
