At Peace, at Last

by compound complex 10 Replies latest jw friends

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  compound complex

  A cool sense of tranquility overtakes my troubled spirit.

  I emerge slowly from a deeply entrenched, lifelong nightmare and proceed into gentle reverie, into quiet wakefulness. Youthful ideals, embodied in vaporous form before me, are a black reminiscence, threatening to return as an untold want having neither name nor substance, only a niggling dig that skewers my soul.

  I shut it out, shut out all the noise in the head: irrational thought, excessive thinking that leads to depression, to insanity. Yet, I am hopeful that devils of the past are blocked approach to me by a portcullis that guards both heart and mind.

  I see but darkly my amorphous reflection and sense it is a phantom, not the real me. From behind scudding clouds comes an awakened moon that illumes my way and shows inner turmoil in a light once unfamiliar to me. I suffered a turbulent youth and truly do welcome the slow and spiraling descent into older age; I am not afraid . . .

  The black shadow of the walking dead, cast upon the asphalt by a gracious moon, shall be my companion.

  
  
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  wannaexit

  COC: you are a talented writer. :)
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  NVR2L8

  Once again you're words have moved me to tears...because you are expressing a range of feelings I have experienced since leaving the cult...the peacefulness of having escaped the circular life and the uncertainty about what comes next. Decades of indoctrination have left indelible marks...like an old tattoo you can't erase, but only hide...until you look at it again.

  Merci cher ami Coco
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  compound complex

  Greetings, wannaexit and NVR2L8:

  Thank you for your kind words; they are very much appreciated.

  Related to the above text are words below that harken back to my life as a young pioneer, then later as a Bethelite. I had many wonderful experiences, but I do feel the same pain which you reference, NVR. My heart goes out to you and all us other lost souls . . .

  My much older, wiser and jaded shell of spent humanity gazes downward through an opened pane of filthy glass. I eye with menace my youthful, scrubbed ruddiness and earnestness. Though dressed in somewhat worn hand-me-down threads, my tattered saintliness won over not a few souls. Little did I then realize that the inherent naturalness of youthful persuasion had been reeled in, unhooked and shoved into the creel of rigid and uncompromising uniformity. Unwittingly, I had been selling my own soul while in the process of winning over the souls of trusting men, women, children.

  From my enlightened vantage point I look back in time, I look down at my beautiful, young manhood. From a darkened pane I see my reflection and despise what I have become. Strangely, a cool sense of tranquility washes over me as I come out of my reverie, my black reminiscence.
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  rip van winkle

  Why do I think 🌌Stardust 🌌 should be playing on an old Victrola, CoCopuff?

  Sometimes I wonder why I spend
  The lonely nights dreaming of a song
  The melody haunts my reverie
  And I am once again with you

  When our love was new
  And each kiss an inspiration
  Ah but that was long ago
  Now my consolation is in the stardust of a song

  Beside the garden wall
  When stars are bright, you are in my arms
  The nightingale tells his fairy tale
  Of paradise where roses grew

  Though I dream in vain
  In my heart it will remain
  My stardust melody
  The memory of love's refrain.

  -----

  I enjoyed your reminisces.🌷
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  floriferous

  As I read your words CC I discerned some calming to my troubled thoughts.

  It doesn't take much to send me into a spiral of anxious thinking.
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  zeb

  I will wager that these are not the first such words that you have written unto prose? Assemble them all and self publish them for other souls to feed on.
  
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  compound complex

  Thank you, rip, floriferous, and zeb, for your welcome replies!

  Those words to "Stardust" are very meaningful, rip, because I recently learned and performed that song at a dinner/dance/play. A dear friend is related to Hoagy.

  Yes, flori, anxious thoughts -- I get them all the time myself. I'm glad those words helped!

  I appreciate the thought, zeb. I've been writing online for quite a while. If you search "DARK MOON," on this site, you'll see similar stuff: prose poetry.

  With gratitude,

  CoCo
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  nancy drew

  She was just like a butterfly who danced around then touched the sky

  Each pretty flower drew her in and caused her little heart to spin

  The nectar was at first so sweet she shared it with each one she'd meet

  But as the years were passing by she realized it was just a lie

  again she looked up towards the sky and thought I'm just a butterfly
  
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  compound complex

  A very dear and precious, butterfly, Miss Drew!

  Thank you so much!

  CoCo