Uncyclopedia about Jehovah's Witnesses

by teel 12 Replies latest social humour

  • teel
    teel

    http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Jehovah%27s_Witnesses

    I found this so funny, especially if you are/were/know a lot about JWs. What is funny is that it's mostly the truth, presented in a humorous form. Some random excerpts:

    Jehovah Witnesses are also the only major Christian sects who are able to accurately predict the end of the world multiple times, all thanks to the obvious signs presented in the bible. According to their calculations, the end of the world occurred in 1844, 1914, 1975, 2000, and "sometime soon." All of these predictions have came true, because all previous predictions in the bible have indeed came true.

    Unclean Things:

  • Christmas. Reason: while Jesus asked for his funeral to be remembered for all eternity, Jesus didn't ask for his birthday to be celebrated. Mainstream Christians criticize this view by stating that Jesus was actually alluding to his wish for a surprise birthday party, which is what Christmas actually is. Jehovah Witnesses argue that the date of Christmas is derived from the celebration of Sol Invictus, a Roman pagan god. Mainstream Christians explain that such date is chosen because that's the time when Christ least expect his surprise birthday party would be thrown.

    • How to Become a Jehovah Witness

  • Endure frequent reading of an extremely boring, one-sided, and confusing text about vague subjects. In fact, while reading, you will be asked to tediously flip through thousands of pages from another book. If you are studying from the bible, then you are reading the wrong book.

    • History:

    [...] Fred Franz, who in 1983 claimed that the world had ended in 1975. The world did end, but nobody really noticed as it was the 1970s. Everybody was too high to care.

  • glenster
    glenster

    Lol! multiple times.

    Unclean Things

    Pagan holidays

    * Halloween. Reason: Jehovah Witnesses don't like strangers knocking on their
    doors.

    Blood transfusion, because it's just disgusting.

    Some Jehovah's Witnesses have become part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection
    Program, a federal government attempt to protect them from the persecution by
    the International Zionist Conspiracy, Yahweh's latest attempt at extralegal
    settlement of his dispute with Jehovah. Contrary to the disinformation spread by
    false religions, the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program is not intended to
    protect other people from Jehovah's Witnesses, as they are well known to be
    harmless, aside from the fact that they caused the end of the world at least
    nine times.

    # Pagan - basically the worst word you can use to describe anything. If they
    refer to anything as 'pagan', like christmas, birthdays, the yin-yang symbol,
    fantasia, or saying 'good luck', it means they should basically treat the thing
    as if the devil had sculpted it from his own turds and thrown them at you
    screaming something about your mother and cocks in hell.

    How to anger a Jehovah Witness

    1. If they arrive at your doorstep and ask, "Can I talk to you about God?"
    Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?".
    2. Repeat what they say.
    3. Take away your door so that they can't knock (they love the knocking door
    sound).
    4. Invite them in to see your collection of either Jewish family Haggadah or
    prominently displayed statues of Buddha, Krishna, and Shiva on embellished al-
    tars.
    5. Ask them directions to go to a nearby protestant or catholic church.
    6. Ask them to pray for somebody who has passed away.
    7. Mention the failed prophecies of 1844 and 1914.
    8. Insistingly say: "if you're not one of the 144,000, I don't want to talk
    to you." If the Witness claim to be one of the 144,000, then say that he/she has
    too much of an ego, which is not a trait approved by Jehovah.
    9. Draw amusing illustrations in their Bibles and Textbooks.
    10. Answer the door naked, with an erection and with your body painted head to
    toe in blue swirly patterns. Politely inform them that your not interested in
    joining a monotheistic faith but tell them they are quite welcome to come and
    join in the Pagan orgy thats currently going on upstairs (note: this has been
    tried for real by one of my workmates brothers. It worked a treat, the door-
    knockers were never seen again).

  • shamus100
    shamus100

    Did Farkel write this?

    Holy shit, too funny. Highly recommended!!

  • Satanus
    Satanus

    Very funny. I like the little nimbered questions after some of the ppg's, like the wt mag. Here's another clip, part of how to become a jw:

    * Step Four: prove your mental strength

    After your weeks of intensive training, no doubt your mental strength is now above average, but how do you know that you are strong enough? Now you must face a test. You must be able to listen to weekly or bi-weekly tedious talk about vague subject with vague reasoning and never comment on it. Furthermore, you'll have to endure comments from other people which are equally vague and equally, if not more, confusing. Note: if you are not confused, then you are in the wrong meeting.

    S

  • Satanus
    Satanus

    That pick is from a apostofest. I believe that that is a couple of british apostates.

    S

  • shamus100
    shamus100

    That's Englishman, isn't it? I thought I recognized him.

  • Satanus
    Satanus

    Yah, and little toe, i believe.

    S

  • bluecanary
    bluecanary
    If they refer to anything as 'pagan', like christmas, birthdays, the yin-yang symbol,
    fantasia, or saying 'good luck', it means they should basically treat the thing
    as if the devil had sculpted it from his own turds and thrown them at you
    screaming something about your mother and cocks in hell.

    If I was drinking something, it would have been coming out of my nose.

    This thread is full of win.

  • Farkel
    Farkel

    Shamus 100,

    :Did Farkel write this?

    No. I wrote this one. Mine is a little more "spiritually deep!"

    Handy JW Apostate Glossary

    Farkel

  • dissed
    dissed

    Farkel

    Thanks for the link. Some reviews of your glossary, I thought you would like to see.

    "Pure evil genius!" - Apostate Review

    "Do you want to know what the GB does in its spare time? They read Farkels glossary." - NY Times

    "Inspiring.....faith strengthening....moving...." - Pope John Paul, Vatican Views

    "must read.....with a bottle of wine" - The Bethelite Monthly

    "You are to organize hatred along with mob violence at your earliest possible convenience to Farkel" - Letter to the Body of Elders from the GB of JW's

    "A piece to make Brigham Young laugh along with his 368 heavenly wives" - The Mormon Heavenly Letter

    "Best JW glossary EVER!!" - Comic book Guy, The Simpsons

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