Dear all,
I discovered this site only a couple of weeks ago and I already feel affection for you.
I am a 48-year-old woman and I live in Spain, where I was born and raised, so I apologize in advance for my inevitable lack of style and possible grammar mistakes, due to English not being my native tongue.
I grew up in the truth and Jehovah and the congregation have filled my whole life. I've had little contact with the outside world. A fully devoted Witness from infancy, I only have warm feelings of love for all the brothers and sisters I've met throughout my life in different countries, the U.S.A. being one of them. I enjoyed meetings and assemblies so much that my sister, a faithful Witness herself, often teased me lovingly about my enthusiasm. How often we went out in service together! I was always her spiritual mentor whom she looked up to, her theocratic big sister deeply rooted in the truth.
But about two years ago I began to have serious doubts. Without having read anything a Witness is not supposed to read, my logical mind was awakening all by itself and there was nothing I could do to reverse the process. I couldn't believe that was happening to me. I prayed to Jehovah incessantly to remove my doubts and I maintained all aspects of my spiritual routine, but all to no avail: my doubts only grew to an uncomfortable intensity. One thing that greatly sustained me during the process was sensing that at least I was contributing to upbuild the faith of my brothers and sisters, since I never shared any of my doubts with them. I figured while I waited on Jehovah to restore my faith (although I couldn't figure out why He was taking so long), I might as well do something for other people's faith. Until the day came last June when I felt for the first time I would see myself as a hypocrite if I continued to represent what I didn't believe any longer, even if I was doing it for other people's sake. So I telephoned the presiding overseer, somebody worthy of all my admiration and respect, and I asked him to please tell all the elders at their next meeting I had been as happy as a person can possibly be under their loving care, but I wouldn't be attending the Hall again. I added it was a firm decision, together with the determination to keep my reasons to myself. He was very respectful and accepted what I said without any further questions.
Overnight I went from being a 100% active publisher, somebody the elders could always count on for last-minute subjects and demonstrations on the platform and comments when nobody else put their hand up, to disappearing without a trail. I know all the brothers are shocked and very sad, because they know how much I've always loved Jehovah, the congregation and all its members. They can't figure out what has led me to this decision, since I always looked convinced and full of holy spirit, always in a good mood, all smiles and ready to work hard for the congregation. I always received lots of love from them all, alhough it's true I'm a loving person, and you usually get what you give, inside and outside the congregation. But I can't help feeling very sorry to have upset them. I wish there was something I could do to make them feel better, but I don't think there is.
I still love Jehovah very, very much, although I'm not even sure whether he exists of not. Weird, isn't it? For the moment, I tend to believe more in a Creator than in natural selection, for example, although I'm open to virtually any possibility now. I can't help feeling very grateful for whoever put me here and permits me to enjoy so many pleasurable moments every day.
Surprisingly, my transition has been quick and smooth. Well, there have been moments in July when I felt a knot in my stomach for a few minutes, but I soon managed to get over it. The three convention days where bad though: it was the first convention I ever missed and I felt lonely and downhearted. But apart from that I have retrieved my original inner happiness. I was extremely happy as an active Witness and I am extremely happy now that I can doubt, question and research without feeling unfaithful. I feel almost literally I've grown wings in my mind and heart. What a breathtaking new perspective on life I enjoy nowadays!
Coming across you very recently by sheer chance has been such a discovery! I was fascinated when I found out hundreds of Witnesses and ex-Witnesses have had the same doubts as me, some of you long before me. Some of you are highly intelligent and I thoroughly enjoy reading your convincing reasoning, whereas some others are really witty and humorous and make me laugh a lot. Unfortunately some of you use vulgar speech that makes me cringe. Your English language offers such a wide variety of expressive, yet elegant words! Why not use those instead? Then it would be much more pleasant to read what you have to say, and far more heart-reaching (have I just made up this word? Ha, ha!). But I am nobody to tell others how they ought to express themselves. It's just that I'm particularly sensitive to the beauty and power of words.
Anyway, it's been a pleasure to contact you. I genuinely wish each one of you as much happiness as you can manage to enjoy. Best wishes.