Hi JWNers. I’ve been a lurker for awhile, and have learned so much from your experiences, wisdom and humor. Thank you for that. I still marvel at the reach of sadness suffered by so many on this forum. I’m currently working through my bitter stage.
I was raised a Dubber. My mom was lost and alone in a relatively new country, a prime candidate for the witnesses to swoop in and take control. I never felt comfortable, was constantly torn, and remember having questions at 8 years old. At the service meeting, Brother *Barf asked me if I’d like to pet tigers in the new system. This seemed to be the only perk for kids offered in paradise, so I asked him, “How long do I have to do that for?” I was so punished for that.
My brother received the brunt of abuse in the Org. We were the only black family (in the congregation, school, everywhere) and were repeatedly ‘counseled’ on our hair, clothes, choices in music... If they couldn’t relate to it, it was from Satan. Nothing to do with their being racist and ignorant, of course.
At age 14, my brother was molested by a stranger on his paper route. It was covered up and he received no counseling, but they did form a JC to investigate his ‘involvement’. He was haunted by nightmares and would bang his head against the pillow to ward of the images, until he'd finally fall asleep from exhaustion.
He was later molested by my mother’s best friend. She would come into our house, say hello to my mom, then disappear into my brother’s room for hours. The door was always locked. I would scream at my mother, asking what was going on and why she let this person into our house. I’d usually get punished.
I lived a double life, sneaking to friend’s birthday parties, drinking and partying. I was very social and would try to build my own mini communities. My bro was always the one confessing his sins and repenting, so I managed to slip under the radar.
When I was 14, my brother’s normal teenage behavior caught up with him and he was disfellowshipped. Before the axe came down, he and his girlfriend decided on a quickie marriage and moved back home. My mother refused to speak to him, so all communication was through me. Again, I would scream and yell about the injustice of it all. My bro never asked me to stand up for him, in fact the exact opposite. He’d tell me he deserved everything that happened to him. Talk about having your self-esteem stomped out of you. Now, I think all my ranting triggered the cognitive dissonance in my family. The issue was no longer about the lack of love, or the cruelty or the damage being done to our family. The issue became my anger.
I moved out early to get away from it all and worked 2 jobs to put myself through school. I travelled a lot, was living with my boyfriend and would sometimes interact with my family. My boyfriend thought they had a creepy kind of hold over me, because they would basically use guilt to get me to do anything they wanted. One big, happy mind-controlled unit! One small blessing was my mother didn't like to call my house since I was living in sin.
Then my brother left his wife, for her best friend. Thus began the sh** slinging divorce of the decade. The ex-wife accused him of molesting his 2 kids and I was pulled back into the drama. He couldn’t have visitation with them unless my mother or myself were present, so it was my family duty to be there every second weekend for 4 years. The ugliness I saw from so many witnesses was mind boggling. I saw things I can never ‘unsee’ if you know what I mean.
Jump forward 10 years, I have 2 successful businesses, 2 beautiful kids and a lovely home. I'm living a sub-conscience equivalent of the JW dream, and I’m coming apart at the seams. What’s wrong with me? I decide it’s time for therapy.
One bizarre event leads to another and surprise! You were raised in a CULT.
I’ve since read CoC by Ray Franz, (cried through most of it) Releasing the Bonds by Steve Hassan and raided my mother’s WT / Awake bound volume library. I'm still reading everything I can get my hands on. So I’ve been physically free for over 15 years, but mentally free for only 4 months. Of course there’s more... but isn’t it always never ending in this cult? Thanks for listening