This post may be all over the place. I've still been reading, any chance I get, but don't post often because of circumstance. I will have those "aha!" moments, and then try to come back and contribute and it's as if there are 200 more posts and I've lost my thought. I've often wondered why my brain feels so cloudy, and why I can't just FOCUS but that's probably a whole new board, not to mention new subject.
Here are some highlights, if for nothing else it will help anchor my thoughts here a little bit.
1) My husband tells me he's completely devoted to leaving the Org, but just wants to simply walk away and not look back. I have apparently offended him by bringing things up to him, but man it irks me when he defends the Org, but wants to leave it too!!! Example, it'll come up that there are more partakers of the emblems during Memorial, and he'll state "well clearly that's wrong, there can't be MORE, those people are just mistaken...it can't just go UP" I try to reply that perhaps it could! If ones fell away (trying not to state that the 144K hard number should be questioned, but rather approaching it with what the WT says, open ended Generation etc) he called bull**** on the whole theory. I then will try to tell him that the WT is teaching that, and he'll say they are full of it, that it's not right, but that his learning of the 144K still has to be right. It's as if he is sure that what he learned as a youth growing up "in the truth" still stands as truth, and any changing "light" is just imperfect men. He believes that the doctrines he believes were taught from the bible, and it's imperfection that is changing the teachings. I just blink and try to reason that one, and can't. I asked well if we were still going in service, and trying to start studies, which way would you have to teach? All those new coming in are learning what they teach now....you have to evolve with it, right??? He says he doesn't care because he isn't planning on adhering to it anyway, and to leave it alone. I fear he will always be held back for what he thinks is TRUTH and therefore that he's "living wicked" and it will hold over him for years. I don't wish this for him, or myself. I told him it's important to research things so I can with a clean conscience walk away from it and not live in fear. He said he doesn't fear. I see it differently, because when we deal with our children he will give those same pat answers that he was given, rinse and repeat, and the cycle is just so hard to break unless you look at WHY you don't adhere to those beliefs anymore. Ok, I've rambled on this one enough.
2) I took the advice of ones on here and tried to expland my social circle and it was the best advice ever. Having children in school and sporting events has really helped, reaching out to the parents has been wonderful, and they are just behaving as nice humans, but to me it's like sweet honey. I cannot for the life of me recall any sisters ever be as kind, helpful, truly interested in my family situation, or accomodating as these few women have been. It's really eye opening. I STILL have to fight the inner thought "Well that's just Satan making it look great, but what you are really doing is helping Satan give an answer to Jehovah, and Satan is winning" then the reasonable me, the one asking why that thought popped in my subconscience tells me that this is part of the thought control, the fear instilled, and that it's ridiculous. Really?? This mom telling me that she has an outfit my child needs for an event, that we can't afford, just in the nick of time....I was literally standing there ready to tell the event leader we couldn't attend because of outfit cost...and she walks up and introduces herself and says that she has a friend that has an outfit, and then tells me the friends name, and I JUST MET HER EARLIER THAT DAY!!!!! That's Satan? Huh, well whatever I suppose. What I do know is that it made my kids day, I felt more love and kindness from that one act that I can recall ever feeling from the hall, and it really lifted my spirits of wondering if I'd made a wrong choice. Solidified my feelings that we CAN be happy out of the ORG, and if we lose all family in the process, it's their loss not ours, really. Not if we would have to live supressed for them to accept our presence.
3) We've allowed celebration of birthdays, our family, and friends, attended a party even, and are planning on getting kids costumes for the school parade for Halloween, but haven't made a concession on the trick or treat thing. All this and we are still technically IN. I realize all it would take is to be seen, questioned or cornered, or have on of the kids say something to the extended family and it all blows up in my face, and while I really don't care too much, I don't want it to happen yet. I have yet to say anything one way or the other to family on either side, and feel like I need to speak my mind before they make up theirs. I cut off contact with all my family because of damaging childhood memories just coming out in the last few months, and they've not come and tried to comfort me, ask me why, or plead with me to not leave. They've accepted me not talking and sharing with them, and went on their merry ways. I wish it wasn't so easy, but it's as if I'm already DF'd and I'm not. No friends from the hall call or come by, the elders only tried on the phone a few times (ignored) and one elder came by with no bible etc, just to encourage etc, and then not again (3 weeks or so ago) so tell me this....why do I dread that final step so much?? Isn't it what I want??
4) I'm terrified I'm wrong, and that all this is for nothing, but at the same time I can never ever go back, I just see too much that's wrong.
I know, I'm all over the place...feel free to ignore this whole thing if you even made it this far. I can't give too many details out of fear of being outted, so a lot is shrouded in lack of details and wordiness, I realize that. Sorry.