Should I Formally Apologize? (page 2)

VoidEater

Yes, there is value there. The form it takes can be individualized.

Apologizing is for both you and them.

They may or may not need to hear you say it but YOU need to hear yourself say it, and you will be forgiven and you will be able to move on. My mother in law is going through this and unfortunately two of her adult...make that three...are baptized and two of them shun her. And she is married now to an elder so her life will never be any kind of normal or settled. She went from praying her children who werent baptized would DIE before Armageddon comes to now praying that those in get OUT. It tears her apart.

I, too, apologized to my entire nonJW family for the hell I put them through when I was a JW. Its cathartic for you...and begins the healing.

bigwilly

Formal or informal, it seems from your post that you need to apologize for you. Like the others said, it'll be cathartic and will help in your own healing process. I think it says alot that you've reached this point and can view your history (and your part in it) objectively.

So, do it and congrats on your personal growth!

the real life

Don't blame yourself or feel guilty. That doesn't do anyone any good.

I was raised in and I don't have any anger toward my parents about it. They did their best in raising me and they had their reasons for being attracted to the religion at certain times due to very specific circumstances.

If all your kids are out now, you must have managed to raise them well and with good critical thinking skills, which is a huge feat in itself.

If you think apologizing would make you feel better, do it, but I doubt it's something they expect from you - just based on my personal experience.

Best,

TRL

VIII

Well, my mom is still in. My sis is out, DFd and very, very bitter. In spite of her not thinking about the JWs for years and never being shunned because she lived out of state, she now has found the ex-JW boards and a hoard of information on how she should feel. ANGRY!!! She is angry she was raised a JW. Angry at everything to do with the JWs. And she is furious at our mom for not apologizing to her for being a JW and for not apologizing to her now.

Umm, mom is still in and tries to get us both back.

So, if my mom were out, I would like an apology. My dad said he was sorry he ever became a JW. That was nice to hear. Sis never heard that.

So, since you are out, as they are, and they don't seem to angry and bitter, I would give it a shot, as betsy advised. Beer helps most situations.

jamiebowers

It depends. If your kids were in any way abused because of being a jw, then, yes, you should apologize. If not, then go ahead and do it if it makes you feel better and/or is helpful to your kids.

AudeSapere

I struggled with overcoming ALOT of stress from difficult parents who were also in a cult (jw's!)

I spent lots of time in therapy trying to get past some issues and many hours in discussion with my mom.

Dad was off in his own world and unresponsive while I was trying to work through my stuff.

A few years go by and dad comes to my house for two nights. While I'm at work, he finds this book on my bookshelf: Toxic Parents. Complete with my own marginal notes. (OMG!!)

He read a few chapters and related to so much of it as (1) a child of toxic parents himself; (2) an obviously toxic parent to his own 5 children; and (3) the father of a parent who was potentially toxic.

That book changed my dad's life and involvement with his children.

He cornered me and apologized. I sort of shrugged off his apology at the time - because I had already gone through much grieving. But 11 years later, I am still soo grateful that he took the time and expressed sincere regret for very specific things he had done that ended up being damaging to me. It was a VERY emotional thing for him. I'm tearing up as I write this. But it changed our relationship for the better.

So I vote, Yes! Talk to them. The very fact that you ask the question suggests that you feel even just a tad guilty. They will probably surprise you tell you that it wasn't all bad. And they are probably grateful for things that they were exposed to that other kids didn't get to see or do.

Also, I agree with Besty. Talk to them one at a time. They are grown up individuals. This may be a great bonding opportunity.

And it's never too late!

-Aude.

Should I Formally Apologize?