Could The Tragic Death of Our First Child Be Why My Wife is Still a JW?

by lifelong humanist 12 Replies latest jw friends

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  lifelong humanist

  After 6 years since I Dad myself, it has just dawned on me today, that my JW wife is (probably) only still involved with her JW religion because of her religious belief in a resurrection back to life on a 'paradise earth'!

  Let me please explain - our first child was a wee girl, born in 1972. Her name was Joanna. She was a great, intelligent, healthy child and we were both proud parents with a marvellous hope - a 'JW' certified version of the future ahead of us!

  Tragically, she died shortly before she reached the age of 5 from a weird complication with croup. My late uncle, then a prominent consultant surgeon, wanted to instigate a prompt, private investigation as to why it happened - I think he suspected some form of malpractice. We both declined his kind offer, refusing to start a complaint procedure about her hospital treatment. We talked about it, yes, but declined to pursue any claim. I still think that that was the right thing to do, as 'nothing' would bring her back.

  We were both, naturally, totally distraught parents. Family and JW friends tried hard to console us. I think we received about 25-30 well-intentioned cards of sympathy from JWs. I distinctly recall that most were written by JWs women that had sufferred miscarriages and/or had also lost a young child in death. They all held out the hope that she'd 'soon be back with us' in the 'imminent resurrection'!

  I didn't receive any solace from any of them, although my wife said that she did (maybe, I was already doubting the existence and belief in any 'god', far less any biblical doctrinal beliefs?).

  My older brother kindly stepped in and made the necessary funeral arrangements. I asked a local Elder to please conduct the funeral ceremony, and he agreed. It must have been tough for him to conduct a funeral for a bright 4 year old girl dying so suddenly.

  To me, the whole thing was totally surreal - to this day, I don't like to think about it at all.

  I now realize that my wife's still a JW believer because she wants to be sure to be there to 'welcome her back'.

  This, I believe, is probably the main reason why she still maintains faith in god and (to some extent) the JWs version of christianity.

  Any comments on this event will be warmly appreciated.

  lifelong humanist
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  DJK

  "Tragically, she died shortly before she reached the age of 5 from a weird complication with croup. My late uncle, then a prominent consultant surgeon, wanted to instigate a prompt, private investigation as to why it happened - I think he suspected some form of malpractice. We both declined his kind offer"

  BIG MISTAKE!!! How many more children died because of your medical practitioner? I raised five children who all had croup. One was dignosed with croup and if I didn't bring my son back to the hospital the following day he could have died from pneumonia. One less doctor in the world is far better than one less child.

  "I now realize that my wife's still a JW believer because she wants to be sure to be there to 'welcome her back'."

  Confusing issue here. How do JW's deal with this scenario? A person dies leaving behind a spose who eventually marries again. After Armageddom and the ressurection, how does this surviving spose deal with two husbands.? IMO, there is a conflict between all of the answers given regarding who knows who and who doesn't. Nothing really makes sense.
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  Newborn

  Dear lifelong h,

  I can't imagine the pain of loosing a child. I'm sorry you've had to experience this tragic loss. It may well be the reason (or one of the reasons) for your wife to stay in the org. Is it possible for you to discuss it with her or is it just too sensitive for you both? Is she a very strong JW or has she at some points vented any doubts?

  What people seem to forget is that just because you leave the JW cult you can still keep your faith. It may look and be different but any faith will always be comforting.

  Perhaps leaving the org would just be too painful for her which I can understand...just dealing with the fact that we ourselves will die one day can be tough to handle when you've believed you'll live forever your whole life.

  well just some thoughts from me

  Newborn
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  Saoirse

  Geez DJK, insensitive much? We don't have all the facts so we are in no position to judge his decision. LH and his wife are the only ones in a position to make that call, not us. Croup deaths are rare but they do happen. Let's not rub salt in the man's wounds.

  LH, I'm so sorry for your loss. I have often thought the same thing about my in-laws. They lost a daughter due to cancer when she was 19. His Dad resigned from being an elder at that point but in every other way they've been faithfully plugging along in that religion ever since. Sadly, their hope of Paradise seems to bring them little peace because every year that goes by they seem to become more and more negative. I have a feeling that their son's "apostacy" has really shaken their world. They want everyone together in Paradise and he's rejecting that. I think they deal with it by demonizing me and painting him as the victim of an evil scheme to break up their family. JWs will do and believe anything to rationalize their shaky beliefs.
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  DJK

  Geez DJK, insensitive much? We don't have all the facts so we are in no position to judge his decision. LH and his wife are the only ones in a position to make that call, not us. Croup deaths are rare but they do happen. Let's not rub salt in the man's wounds.

  If I seemed unsensitive, my apologies please and my condolences on the loss of a child. I have never lost a child and I hope I go before my own. I didn't explain my position on this further because that is not the purpose of this thread. Apparently I have raised another issue beyond the JW issue and you are right, there may be issues I am unaware of.

  Something I do not overlook is comraderie. Doctor's do not speak against other doctor's. Even being related to a doctor I see how strong that comraderie is. It's like some unwritten code and when a doctor breaks it, there is a good reason for it.
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  Satanus

  While i have lost some people, i can't imagine how the loss of a child must be. Did your wife do a proper mourning process? Jws aren't supposed to. I looked up the mourning stages. Here they are.

  The stages of mourning

  • The stage of shock (denial)
  • The stage of adjustment
  • The creative stage

  
  The stage of shock (denial)

  • The emotion is violent, as if you had received a blow to the head.

  • We feel a kind of numbness which protects us from the pain.

  • As a rule, the shock does not last long (from a few minutes to a few hours)

  • This is not the time to make long-term decisions.

  • It is good to have the company of a friend.

  • When the shock disappears, the pain becomes palpable.

  
  The stage of adjustment

  • This is the stage that is most difficult and most demanding. This is where the task of mourning begins.

  • This is a period of disorganization, integration and adjustment.

  • We experience a riot of emotions which exhaust us.

  • It is desirable to go to the bottom of our pain.

  • It is preferable not to take tranquillizers, since they can block the emotions.

  • Try to join a support group.

  • As we are more physically vulnerable, it is a good idea to see a physician to prevent any health problems from developing.

  • Drink more water (a third more than needed to quench your thirst).

  • Exercise.

  • Get sufficient rest.

  
  The creative stage

  • The beginnings of healing.

  • A period of rebuilding.

  • Emotional balance is still fragile, but courage is slowly returning.

  • Memories resurface, prompting tears and laughter, at different times.

  • At this stage of our mourning, we are capable of standing back from our grief: we can be proud of ourselves and the road we have travelled.

  • At this stage we identify and make use of our resources.

  • The forces we have called upon in living our bereavement restore meaning to life. This is a new beginning.

  • We reinvest our energy in new projects or in continuing those that had been set aside.

  • We are at peace with the deceased: now it is possible for us to let the person go.

  • We do not forget the deceased: quite the contrary. We are now united to the person by an intense, deep and positive bond.

  • We open ourselves up to life once again.
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  sweet pea

  LH sorry to hear you lost your beloved daughter - it's hard to imagine getting over that heartbreak.

  I was wondering the same thing myself this week about an old girlfriend. Her dad, who she was extremely close to, died a few years ago of mesothelioma. She was completely devastated and just lives for the day when she will see him again. I think this does play a part, subconsciously, in her burying her head in the sand by refusing to confront the facts about her religion. But it's not the only factor here - I think it's a complicated web of reasons that keeps a person in. If a person gets to a state where they could be open to looking at the facts, this all unravels very quickly.

  The trouble then is dealing with the grief all over again if you start to realise it's very likely we wont see our lost loved ones again (which is what I struggle with often). It does make the here and now more precious though.
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  goldensky

  Dear Lifelong Humanist,

  I'm truly, truly sorry about your loss... I have no words...

  The more I learn about you, the more I realize you are a good man.

  By the way, enjoy those pints with each one of your sons!
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  OnTheWayOut

  I don't have specific thoughts on such a delicate subject. It's such a tightrope to walk. I think you might need to reach her in a roundabout way. Don't address the paradise earth or resurrection subject. Try the standard cult member approach. If you read RELEASING THE BONDS by Steve Hassan, you can read about how to attempt in several mini-interventions (no head-on arguments to get them out) to reach the real person, the non-cult personality.

  My sorrow to you for that loss and your wife's way of dealing with it. Strength and patience to you.
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  wantstoleave

  Oh I'm so sorry to hear of your loss :( My oldest child is that age right now, I cannot imagine how devastating it must have been for you and your wife to go through I think you may be right that the resurrection hope is keeping her in her faith. It is a way of coping with loss but it doesn't deal with the grief in a complete sense. It just 'puts it off' until the hope is fulfilled (resurrection).

  I have had more than one miscarriage, before the 'new light' came about in May this year (where miscarried babies may be resurrected). So when I suffered my losses, I should have grieved properly, yet I wasn't able to (won't go into it now). A part of me died when I lost my babies. Nothing ever prepares us for death and loss, even if it's expected (such as in cases of long illness etc).

  Have you tried talking to your wife about it? Or has too much time passed? You might broach the subject with her, to get a feel for how she's thinking.

  Once again, so sorry for your loss.