She was sending me a message...i guess she was abbreviating that...
Not without my daughters
by IronHill 17 Replies latest jw experiences
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blondie
Ironhill, I'm confused, is it your ex-wife that is df'd, but nothing will convince her it is not the truth????? But she is staying df'd???? And she believes it is "the truth"????
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IronHill
Yes, Blondie. She states that she will come back one day, and now even more so since i no longer want to be a JW.
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yknot
LOL.....Texting is changing our writing skills.....
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SPAZnik
I feel for everyone involved in this challenging situation/transition. You said "I guess this means I'm failing my children." Do you really believe that's what this means? Or could it be that this is simply a f.e.a.r. (False Evidence Appearing Real)?
Keep being the best father you know how to be. Keep taking things one step at a time, one day at a time. Seek healthy outlets for your emotions during this time and be honest and realistic about both your strengths and limitations. I promise you that how you approach this PROCESS will have more of an impact on your daughters than the most idealistic OUTCOME you can imagine.
Recognize that you can't really "control" other people or every outcome in life (although you may be able to exert some influence some of the time, it is unreasonable to expect yourself to be able to control your ex-wife's decisions or choices or beliefs.) Try not to get tunnel vision on your fears. Dare I say, keep your eyes on the prize. But be realistic too. Avail yourself of whatever resources and expertise you reasonably can to support the best efforts you are conscientiously making. Remember that there is no such thing as perfection. Learn from your mistakes. Remember what really matters when it comes right down to it. Keep in mind that just as things could be better, they could also be far, far worse than they are.
I don't know how to specifically recommend you proceed with your (confused and troubled sounding) ex-wife other than to suggest keeping healthy boundaries as much as possible and behaving as respectfully as possible each step of the way and stay accountable for your own choices and responsible for your own path. Try and think positively that "forewarned is forearmed". I think it was reasonable to tell your ex yourself rather than leaving that to your daughters. Now you know where things stand at this moment. Let the emotions out. Then consider your options. Sometimes do nothing is an option. Sometimes you have to respect that your ex-wife (or your daughters) may make life choices that you don't like. Sometimes just when they've been scaring you the most, they'll up and surprise you with their decisions under fire. Sometimes you have to let people learn from their own choices and decisions just as we frequently reserve the right to do in our own lives.
Again, be the best person you can under the circumstances. Trust that your daughters will grow to be women and they will have their own choices and decisions to make as well and yes, that will be scary, but it doesn't necessarily spell the disaster you fear. Try not to project your worst fears onto them. Learn ways of managing your fears so that you can contribute positively to their lives. Give yourself credit for loving them, but don't make it all about them either. That will be a lot of pressure on them. Maintain a healthy relationship with yourself. Perhaps then your ex-wife's actions will seem a bit more manageable.
I suspect that you've already learned in your own life that things rarely go as planned. Perhaps you've even found that in some ways this can be positive in ways not previously imaginable to you. The same thing applies now. The same will go with your daughter's lives. (I speak as a daughter from a divorced situation).
The path you've chosen isn't an easy one. What path is? But speaking as a daughter to a father, I can honestly tell you, that what matters more than anything is how you manage the things you can control, especially your own emotions, and how you use the time you DO have with your daughters. The rest is just details. Even the seemingly big stuff like religion, politics, money, careers, sex, past relationship mistakes....etc, etc.
Your example as a father has more power than everyone in the world put together, including the JWs. Channel your anger in constructive directions. Each generation does a little bit better than the last.
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WuzLovesDubs
So she shuffled the responsibility of teaching the kids the JWs off onto you instead of getting herself reinstated and NOW she wants to pick up the ball and is all self righteous about it? Puhleeeeze.
Take a deep breath. Dont get crazy. Kids arent stupid and they watch YOU and how YOU live your life. The crap they are exposed to at the hall, the over their heads ADULT talks and stuff, mean nothing to them. You live your life, show them the beauty of the holidays and how special they are on their birthdays...you have nothing to fear from her doing this. In fact, she may go through all the trouble of getting reinstated and not be able to continue the ruse, and will drop back out again.
Hang in there.
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jwfacts
That is an unexpected reaction.
I don't think you need to worry about your daughters; they will see through the religion easily enough if you stop going to meetings and explain the reasons at a level appropriate for their age.
What is more of a concern is that your ex-wife may cause trouble that will get you disfellowshipped. If you do not worry about your ex telling the elders things that you are saying, it is worth having some discussions to work out why she still believes in Armageddon and help show her how illogical it all is. A person that has not been to meetings for a long time can be more open to understanding other points of view.
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jamiebowers
You can't stop her from doing what she wants to do, so stop worrying about it. If she drags the kids to the meetings while in a df'd state, they'll get plenty of education about shunning at an early age. IMHO, your primary concern should be which one of you has the right to make decisions regardng the kids' education and medical care. If it's their mother, I would go back to court to at least win the rights to make decision about school activities and medical treatment.