*DISCLAIMER* This was posted on a 2 year old thread and a friend suggested I start a new thread with it to introduce myself.
I discovered this site by accident when I was actually looking for a site to date ex JW's (probably because I know that we could relate and if they were as repressed as me growing up, they would be as horny and kinky as I am if not more so - YUMM!)
Anyway, this thread on suicide touched me and I am not allowed to start a new thread until tomorrow so I am defibrillating this dead horse (pardon the pun) to share my experience and previous suicidal thoughts and why.
Dating was hard because I was always so horny but knew I wasn't supposed to give in.
I was married at 26. I had known my now ex wife since I was 17. When we began dating at 25, she couldn't have liked me more and she put out quickly. She was the first woman I had ever had any sexual contact with. (Yes "Pre-marital - deal with it) She was hot and seemed happy all the time. We were planning on having more children after a year of marriage (She had a son from a previous marriage) but soon after the wedding (2 weeks) the "Delilah" in her started to come out and she whined and complained that "our" son needed a playmate. It was about then too that the sexy outfits she wore before our marriage disappeared. "Daddy" gave in. She had set the hook and was reeling me in. I agreed to have another child with her (technically my first but I did (and still do) view her son as mine). Funny how the "forbidden sex" stopped shortly after I agreed to that too. I thought I had done something wrong.
All of a sudden, nothing I did at home or in the hall was good enough. After my daughter was born, I was expected to provide AND help around the house. I was told (by my ex) that was what Jehovah wanted. I started to feel depressed all the time. I thought about killing myself and yes, one time I shook my daughter when she was crying because I was so frustrated. Not to kill her, but because I needed the noise to stop. She did stop crying, but she looked so shocked and I felt so bad, I vowed NEVER to do it again - and didn't. I thought that after my daughter was born, the sex would start up again. I even asked her to wear the outfits she used to wear to the response "I'm not a whore" and "Why, they don't stay on long". I started to think long and hard (and also became majorly depressed) and realized that instead of hating myself, I should hate the source of my frustration which I believed to be my wife. I knew I could never do her any harm. I could not strike her, nor could I speak harshly of her or to her as it just wasn't me. I prayed to Jehovah to remove my source of frustration and figured the only way was to wish her to die (because divorce was out of the question you know). Around that time, she became pregnant with our 2nd child together (her 3rd) and here is the kicker: 3 months in, we found out that she had a molar pregnancy, which if you research, the baby never lives and the mother has a slim chance of survival. I thought "Holy CRAP! I wished this on her and NOW it is happening" I begged Jehovah to let her live. I could not believe I even thought those evil thoughts.
Now here is where it gets even more interesting. The doctors told her to get an abortion and a blood transfusion immediately. So I called my PO and asked if the HLC could get involved. He told me that he could only call them in for a “life or death situation” so I had to take care of it on my own as the head of my house. WTH??? Long story : Goes back to the 80’s when I was in high school with his nephew and 2 daughters. His nephew and his brother were DF’d and his daughters left the “truth” but I was only reproved. This was sign #1 that the PO never had my best interest at heart and that he held a grudge against one of “his sheep” My mother in law was in the same cong as the head of the local HLC and so she contacted him on her own and they got involved right away (and I AM thankful to this day for that). The HLC had a doctor on the West Coast who was a brother and he informed us that in this situation there was NO CHANCE (Zero percent) of the baby living, and next to none for the mother without an abortion. The HLC had a meeting with my wife, the elders and I to inform us that based on that prognosis, it would be OK for my (now ex) to get an abortion without punishment. WOW! They said it would be her choice and a conscious decision. But what I couldn’t believe was how quick she was to agree to it. Now, I told her that “I still believe in Jehovah OVER any doctor and I didn’t want to have to explain to Him some day that I took a doctors word over His. If that baby was going to die, let it die by His hand and her too” I then asked “Where did Jesus ever say ‘kill someone else before they kill you’? In fact, he taught quite the opposite.” Now I realize some people may criticize me for saying what I did, but guess what? I have that 2 nd daughter. She just turned 10 AND (unfortunately) her mother lived and the cancer was completely removed with the childbirth.
After that, my ex turned downright mean and snappy. “I worked too much”, “I didn’t help out around the house with the kids enough”, “Why did I want to watch football”, “I didn’t go out in service enough”. Even 6 months later she never felt like having sex. I was getting depressed again. Did I mention too how when my father died while she was pregnant, I was not allowed to go to the wake because she needed a break from the 2 kids and our daughter was sleeping so I had to stay in the truck with her (I brought her in and drank beer with her in her car seat in front of me with my “pals”)
My depression was worsening and I suppressed it by trying to do more at the hall. I was appointed to be a servant and I thought that finally, my (now ex) wife would be happy that I was doing enough. WRONG! “I’m sure you have to spend that much time on your talks” “I notice you mentioned wives in that talk, why no council for husbands?” “Help our son with his talk” “Why watch football after the meeting, why not go out in service”
Meanwhile, other halls were requesting me to give talks in their hall, but the PO said I could not go out of the local cong because I wasn’t at the meetings 30 minutes beforehand consistently. I was avg 12-17 hours a month, but it was never enough for the brothers or my ex. I would come back from working out of town to deliver a 10 minute talk, stay for the closing song and prayer and then drive 2 hours back to my job on a regular basis, but according to my ex and the PO, I wasn’t doing enough.
I was going out of my mind. I would see things in the news and get so sad. A story about a little girl hiding from her parents and firemen in a closet because she started the house on fire and then dying because of it sent me over the edge. I had to talk to my doctor about my depression. I told my mother about it the day before I went to my doctor and she THEN informs me of how her side of the family always had a history of depression. LOL Finally, the light comes on. My doctor prescribed me anti-anxiety/depression meds and told me I would start to feel better within a few weeks and think clearer. BINGO! It worked. No magic, no spiritism, just a crutch to help make up for thousands of years of imperfection taking its toll. Never again from that time did I ever feel depressed or suicidal! Sure I can be disappointed and show emotion, but now, I don’t get into a deep funk like I used to. AND I started to see how my ex was manipulating me. “Jehovah wants you to do this, and Jehovah wants you to do that”. I started to respond by asking her what scripture that was in. I would eventually start asking her if that was from [insert her name here] 3:16.
Now rather than cave to her every whim and demand, I started to be a man again. I felt confident and in control. She did not like it! She would start arguments and I would keep my cool – she hated that. I did one day raise my voice as she was raising hers but I stopped myself realizing that the kids could hear and I DID NOT want to be THAT kind of father to them (“keep on bringing them up in the mental regulating of Jehovah” – does not mean losing control). It got to the point where our children would ask us to quit fighting and I would calmly look at them and ask “am I arguing or raising my voice?”
In the meantime, I no longer wanted to sleep with her because A) it was belittling to have her re-buff my sexual advances constantly and B) I had to hear every night how I wasn’t doing enough spiritually, health wise or for my kids.
So I got to the point where I thought I could never win. It was like playing tic-tac-toe. You always knew how it would end, in a cats game, only this was wasting my life and I would be that old tired elder being publically belittled by his wife and not saying anything back for fear of disrupting the peace and unity of the sheep.
And then Jezebel kicked it into overdrive (if she hadn’t already). Because funds were tight, I asked her to use the government’s child tax credit (about $ 800/month) to buy groceries. She had previously been banking it (at least I thought). She then started telling the cong that I was not providing for my family and yet I lived like a King. One well meaning sister in the hall came by with a few bags of groceries one day to feed my “starving kids” only to find the cupboards, fridge and pantry stocked. But of course by this time, the elders didn’t want to hear about that because I was down to 7-8 hrs a month and she was at 20. So she was obviously more credible.
At this time, the CO noticed how I was missing meetings and my hours were down so he wanted to talk to me. I told him how I couldn’t come to the hall and give and listen to parts about husbands being the head of the house and how we shouldn’t live double lives when just hours before the meeting, my wife was yelling at me in front of my kids and I was powerless to stop her. Because I couldn’t (and would never) hit her, yelling at her made me look bad in front of the kids and as I got louder she would too and I was just giving up. I told him that I had asked for help, but I was told to “Sheppard my own flock” (by the PO BTW). He promised me help and said that brothers could now get help with shepparding within their own homes.
I waited 4 months for a call. It came and my wife asked what they could want to talk about (like she didn’t know). I was hoping for an understanding ear and some reinforcement with Biblical principals about headship and such. What I got was ambushed! I was accused of being an alcoholic (no proof – cause there was none). The brother accusing me (the infamous PO) I had witnessed being drunk (throwing up, belligerent, falling down) 10’s if not 100’s of times in my life even while a PO. AND I was accused of being a porn freak (again no proof). He kept asking “why don’t you want to sleep with your wife and why are you in your office late at night?” “Are you looking at things you shouldn’t be looking at?” I was then asked to step down from being a servant (which I gladly did). I was flabbergasted to say the least. My own brothers whom I thought had my back instead put a knife in it.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I heard the phone downstairs and I went down to listen to the message. It was the one elder who came with the PO whom I always loved and respected asking if I was OK. I went to his home to talk and asked him where those accusations came from. He said he never even heard of them before the PO brought them up (STRIKE 2 to the PO) in front of me. But found out later that they came from my wife (obviously). I asked her later where she got those ideas from and she said “everyone knows you can’t mix alcohol with anti depressants”. I asked her if she even knew the name of the pills I took – she didn’t. And they specifically say that I can take alcohol with them, just not to excess (which is normal) AND I had specified to my doctor that I liked to have the odd drink, but because she was in tight with Jehovah, she knew more than a doctor and I was an alcoholic because I would have a drink after taking meds a few days a week LOL
I tried going to the meetings after but it was hard not to laugh out loud when the PO and certain other ones would make comments about brotherhood and family life. I couldn’t tell others to come worship the God I love with the fake brothers who favour those with better hours.
It was hard to listen to all the brothers and sisters tell me how much they missed my talks and if I just hang in there, I will be back on the platform again. I knew that as long as I was married, I could NEVER be on the platform again.
I stopped wearing ties in my professional life after that. I felt enslaved wearing one. I only went to the hall for funerals, my kids talks and Memorial after that.
So many of my so called friends that I grew up with started shunning me and treating me like I was DF’d (although never was) and some even spread lies that I was. So much for friends. Still_in 74 however, was still a solid friend, as were very few others.
Now DON’T get me wrong! I still love Jehovah. I cannot, will not celebrate Christmas, Easter and such, nor will I accept blood without a fight. But I cannot believe that Jehovah supports those who take the position that He gave to His son – namely Judge. In fact, Jesus said in Revelation that he would not support the congregation that tolerated that woman Jezebel and I can see a lot of congregations that allow women to run the show through their appointed husbands. I can see how a woman’s word is better than 2 witnesses because she gets more hours and therefore she is to be believed over a man with a lesser sacrifice.
I can see to how just like Saul, an elder can hold a grudge for years and use that as fuel to try to pin down a brother who is trying to do what is right. And just like David, many in Jerusalem believed the lies that Saul spread so as to justify his personal war against him.
Yes, “the love of the greater number HAS cooled off”. I can see it. Unfortunately, like when Jesus came before, the Scribes and the Pharisees thought that they would have His favour but were rebuked. The ones that Jehovah and His Son favoured were the “Amaharets” or people of the Earth as they were called in disgust by those who thought they were God’s “chosen” people.
I am 3 years clean and sober from the local dumbing down of God’s Word. I do not blame the whole because I do believe that some inside do have the right heart condition, love of mankind and understanding. However, I think that far too many take what they are given and use that to further their own interests and unfortunately hurt so many others in the long haul.
I reconciled myself to this when I left the hall and my wife that Jehovah does not want us to serve Him because of manipulation, nor does he want us to stay married by those means. I believe that it is insecure men and women that resort to those tactics and hide behind the organization to protect them. Much like Bin Laden hides behind a normally peaceful religion of Islam.
Call me naive or foolish, but I do NOT accuse Jehovah for my situation, nor do I hate those who shun me or spread those lies. I do not care for my ex-wife or the manipulation she plays with my children, but I do not hate her. I just cannot live with her. Nor will I tolerate if my children disrespect her. But I cannot believe Jehovah is supporting the congregations that abuse His name and His trust. I also believe that He will take care of all things in His own way. I have a 10 year old daughter because I trusted in Him when no one else did. And she has a mother.
Sorry for the rant, but reading through 2 of Still_in 74’s first posts and the responses prompted my novel.
Oh yeah – totally happy now. And suicide is the farthest thing from my mind. I still kinda sorta wish my ex were dead, but I know that will never happen – the Devil wants her alive to torment me because I refuse to curse God and die ;) Party on!