Inability to develop close connections with others

Lemon_Lime_Shasta

Hi all, I'm still pretty new here, but I wanted to talk about something more substansive than low quality generic soda brands (my first post and my logon name).

Of all the negative side effects of my Dub past, the one that still haunts me the most is my complete inability to develop any sort of depth in my relationships with others. I'm not one to blame all my personal problems on the WBTS, but I can't help but feel that it was a significant contributing factor. I still hate talking about my past, and I work very hard to hide all aspects of my JW past from anyone I meet. To date I have discussed this matter with less than 10 people (I have been out for over 7 years). I know that if I talk to others about this, they might understand me better, and as a result, we might become closer. However, I am unable to take this step for some reason. I can't get the flawed logic out of my head: "keep your distance, they can't know who you used to be, because that will always frame their perception of you, and they will not want anything to do with you." This isn't the only factor, and I do not doubt that even if I wasn't raised a JW I would still be shy and introspective, but at least I wouldn't feel like I spent my childhood on Mars.

As a result I find myself in adulthood with very few (to almost no) close friends. This has hit me very hard recently since I have moved to a new town where I do not have access to the limited support structure I had there. It wasn't much, but it was more than the absoulely nothing I have now. I still have contact with my family who are all still regular in the congregation. I can't talk to them about any of this since they will no doubt say that my ungodly path is the problem.

I find myself compensating by working excessively long hours at the office, getting half sloshed by myself on a regular basis, and acting like a jerk around what friends I do have.

Anyway, I just wanted to post here to see if anyone else has noted this side effect in their ex-dub lives, and more than anything just get this off my chest in venue where someone might understand...

Simon

Yes, I have definitely been in that position.

It's only recently that I've tried to be more open with people about my past and my upbringing and I think that has helped making new friends. Ultimately, it's just a scary thing that you have to do but most people respond very well and are quite empathetic especially when they can usually tell that being social / friendly is something you find difficult but you are trying to do it anyway.

I think I'm incredibly lucky in that I've made some friends in the last couple of years since we moved to Canada from the UK and they are, without a doubt, the best friends I've ever had or could wish for.

The experiences of the WTS and the instant losing of most of your "friends" followed by the realization that they never were real friends in the first place really dents your confidence and makes it difficult to make connections because it is a scary thing to do after going through that. You just have to take a deep breath and go for it. In my case, I made a joke out of how bad I was in social situations and that made it less scary in case I did do or say something silly (which really, was just an internal fear).

I know it's probably a cliche but joining a club or something where you can meet new people and make contacts is probably a good idea.

bohm

I really understand what youre going through!

I also find it very difficult to tell other people about my background. But after I have started telling some of my new friends about it - things have gotten much easier. They DONT hate you for it , and they DONT have all those prejudisms towards the JW as we have learned in the KH.

Actually those people I have told these things, are more than willing to help me in my fading, and to "protect" me from Elders comming to my door...

Well, keep on the hard work.

Miss Bohm

Lemon_Lime_Shasta

You are very right Simon, I do need to go out and meet new people. It's tough to find my place in this new town, but I am trying. It won't happen overnight I suppose, but I need to learn to enjoy the searching process I guess...

You made me think about my past a bit with your post. I never had many friends in the congregation either. My parents never encourged me to socialize much outside of my family, no doubt that is a major contributing factor as well. They never trusted the other dubs to associate with their kids, and certainly didn't trust the worldly neighborhood kids.

I did find a way to connect with folks thoughout college and young adulthood, but it seems to becomming harder and harder as I get older...

ziddina

Funny that you should bring up this subject...

I have always been a 'loner', but didn't really connect that behavior pattern with the WTBTS indoctrination... Thanks for bringing this up! I've had a flash of insight into an unpleasant influence that I'd discounted previously...

When I think about it, why wouldn't I develop into an isolated, socially awkward individual when I was told constantly (parents in since I was 5) that the people 'Of the World' were 'out to GET me', along with "Satan"... Not allowed to participate in social events - except for those rare JW events, when everyone's behavior was closely scrutinized to see whether we were sufficiently 'spiritual' for the other JW kids to associate with...

And then there were the elders' children who were able to get away with all kinds of wrongdoing, without being caught or called on the carpet about it. Such social injustice did tend to limit one's ability to be friendly with - and make friends quickly with - others.

'Course, I became pretty wild when I hit my late teens and did quite a few things that would cause the current JWs to get the DF committee together... If I had only avoided marrying a blasted JW brat... Another unpleasant result of being limited in one's social choices...

I still have 'walls' and 'armor' up/on... Gonna have to do some more work on myself.

Zid

ziddina

Oh, and

Welcome to the board!

Zid

Lemon_Lime_Shasta

Hi Zid, thanks for the welcome.

I really think that a group like the JWs acts like an amplifier for a wide variety of negative personality traits, including introversion and social withdraw.

There weren't many social opportunities. for us. When I was little I used to get so excited for the congregation picnic when I was a kid. That only happend once a year, wasn't anything that special, and was taken away from us eventually as well. Wow, I was really sheltered, I even got excited for the bus ride to the DC because I got to hang out with kids my age outside the walls of the KH.

LockedChaos

I was out for 28 years

before I could talk about it................

Now I find it to be the ultimate icebreaker

(I was in a cult, JW's)

(Oh Really. What was it like.........)

Lemon_Lime_Shasta

Thanks Miss Bohm!

Yes, I shouldn't worry even if someone would think different of me after I told them, since that is just a silly thing to do. I'm not that person anymore so if they think of me that way, they are the one with a problem...

DrJohnStMark

After leaving JWs it took some time to learn to just let good things to happen... in JW life everything was supposed to be planned and under control all the time. For some time I missed a couple of life-long friends, not just 'friends', but since that have experienced truly unconditional friendship. It took some time but it had taken time also in the childhood for those relationships to evolve.

Inability to develop close connections with others

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