by highdose 32 Replies latest jw friends
Never in a million years....
But once the penny had dropped and I realised the WT was just the words of men, I was keen to see what others had to say, The K M had a supplement about the "dangers" of the net and how some 'associated ones' were misusing it. That is when I knew I had to get among it. Before we even had a connection at home I was at the Public Library. I had no conscience about using it, just a fear of being caught ..
Not in my wildest dreams.
I was always a bit put off by the watchtower's attempts at information control, telling me not to read "apostate" material. I wasn't surprised to end up here because I've always been a bit of a rebel, but I was disappointed that I had to go to "apostates" for some straight answers because "the truth" wouldn't give them to me.
W
As I saw it, as long as Jehovah was faithful to me, I would be faithful to Him. However, He expected me to be just as faithful to Him, without Him being faithful to me. Of course that did not work--so I came to these apostate sites on purpose to slap Him in the face.
i thought i,d be struck by lightening, felt very very very guilty!!
That about sums it up for me even though I had been out for 16 years.
Did I think I would find a home here? Nope but here I am and not an ounce of guilt
My journey started back in 1996 when I stumbled on a website that had a link to one chapter of Ray Franz' book. I secretly bought both of his books and let go of years of guilt for never measuring up. From there I found a website like this one (H2O) and saw the link to this one and never looked back. I have been successfully fading ever since. My husband and kids no longer believe the lies but my sister and in-laws still have blinders on. Recently my best friend took her blinders off which means I no longer have to go to meetings as the JW family members all live out of state.
It was not the plan. I am not an apostate. When the JWs showed up and wanted to study with me I thought I would investigate and found out a lot of interesting things and also found my way here. I am glad I did. It has a real possibility to be life changing.
It still breaks my heart.
From that day, when I was 14, and the drug deal which went bad, and the guns blazed, and I staggered home looking up at heaven crying my eyes out "God, how did I get HERE, how did I turn into this. PLEASE, God", and I just couldn't take it any more and I put my gun up to my head and pulled the trigger, but my hand was shaking and the gun recoiled and the bullet hit my head at a strange angle and richoched off, and I just had a terrible headache. A piece of the bone was shot away, I still have a wierd depression at the base of my skull, and I blacked out.
When I came to, I ran home and on the coffee table was an invitation to the Memorial, so I hitchhiked to the Kingdom Hall.
And in my army jacket with the confederate flag on the right shoulder, with my hair longer than any of the girls in the hall, still carrying a gun, still holding drugs, I walked into the wrong door and came right out on the stage. And it was a black congregation. LOL. And one of the brothers took me to sit in the front row and a kindly elderly sister shared her song book with me. And the love I felt. I KNEW I had found God. I was crying through the entire meeting.
And I ran home and dug a hole in the woods behind my house and buried the jacket and buried my guns and my knives and the drugs and I died that day, to the way I had been. The next day I got a hair cut and bought a suit and carried a bible in my pocket everywhere I went. And I witnessed to the entire school. The principal let me give a witness to the entire student body at a school assembly.
And later I learned it was all lies. And it broke my heart. And it still does. And I hate the Governing Boyd and the WTBTS.
Oh HELL NO!
My being here was pure accident born out of impatient over-clicking of a mouse that slipped from the WT.org listing and onto JWD, into a thread where Terry was discussing something that caught my eye........when I was alone later on I came back read the whole thread and joined all in a 24 hour period.
While it was a rough couple of months losing all I had ever known......in the end I am much happier and less stressed by the burdens of wondering if it was just me that was the problem.......
no way, I remember, maybe 2 or even only 1 year ago, I accidently stumbled on this site, read some head lines and thougt, what a garbage, those nasty apostates just spreading lies.
Immediately I clicked it off...even in conversing with other witnesses I mentioned, not to put in Jehovah witness on google, because you get only nasty websides...
But what happened ? Time after time certain teaching became questionable, I did not like the new books anymore (last day, and Gods love) because I thought, they had mans opinion and lots of rules in it. Some WT-articles, as well as the KM sept. 07 (about not studying the bible in original language) made me more suspicious towards the FDS.
then some cases on a JC, where somebody had to be dfd, but I did not see the biblical reason really fulfilled, this bothered my conscience.
all this made my mind ready for the "truth" about the truth. Finally I ended up here, reading lots of things eagerly, even hours and hours.
why ? because for many things I do not need to twist my mind in order to fit them to the WT-teaching, but can see them, what they really are.
it opened my eyes, it was (and still is) an exiting awakening, becoming slowly free from fear and guilt (and brings a lot of other troubles with it though)
I think, this and other "apostate" websides are not dangerous for a hard-core believer, no, its the WTitself, who is the greatest danger.
just my 2 cents.
