shunning and family members

by crittersitter 20 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  crittersitter

  i have 3 sisters still in the org. is it still called the "org"? 2 of them maintain no contact, one because i'm an evil apostate, the other is two faced about it(nice on the phone 2x a year, but does not let anyone know about the contact) the 3rd is pretty cool about it, we e-mail alot and i call monthly( all live 1200 miles away). she is in a bad marriage, is planning on leaving some day so is working and scrimping to prepare for that day. i do not think she is a regular meeting goer any more, due to her work load and 3 kids.
  they all cling to jw-ism mostly because of my noe deceased mum, who raised us in it. one sis told me she would always be a jdub, because that is the heritage mum left her....
  i have e-mailed a few things to them concerning jw misinformation, which they never responded too, but heard it caused a little grief.
  when i became a christain, my mum thought that was worse than being a muslim, from her reaction. she cried on several shoulders i think, because at her funeral, i got the coldest most unloving reaction from many who knew me all my life.
  funny thing, my two brothers, one who was baptized years ago, who have NOTHING to do with any religion( or GOD sadly) were welcomed with open arms and comforting hugs.
  it's pretty tuff to loose a parent, and be treated like a ... i don't even know what... i'll never forget approaching a couple who studied w/ my mum and they literally turned from me, leaving me standing there, but going to my siblings and hugging them
  my hubby was there and could not believe that people who claim to be christains could act so evil.

  ok...i feel better
  got it off my chest thanx
• 

  waiting

  Hey critter,

  I had a similar experience at a family funeral within the last two years. Happened to my daughter (df'd). Persons who knew her and her loss of family just turned their back on her. Others - who had done the same as her (and it was known), but who weren't df'd, were warmly consoled. Her fiance' was furious with how cold the jw's were, even some family members.

  I went over to my daughter's fiance' house for cake & coffee on Christmas, another family member accused me of "associating with df'd" - eating with them (gasp!). Of course, this same elder visited with his df'd son to see his grandson, daughter-in-law, etc. "But I didn't share a meal with them."

  Ahhhhh, "Strain at the nat, swallow the camel."

  For now, just the way it is, I guess. Glad you can chat with at least one of your sisters. And, just because you can visit with family doesn't mean you'll like them. Lots of worldly people don't like their families. So, guess we just bide our time.

  waiting
• 

  OrangeVale Bob

  CritterSitter,
  That is a sad story. Not all witnessess are like that tho'. I wasn't during the years I was a good boy. I always tried to make eye to eye contact, smile, nod or at least use body language to show that I welcomed their (the dfers') prescence. I usually admired their courage and,if not that, anything else would have been impolite. I never spoke to them, so I wasn't breaking any rules. I made it a point, now that I think about it, to not research my behaviour either to see if it was approved. Maybe I was doing the old hands over my eyes-ears-mouth again.
  I always thought I should emulate the god that I worship. The God that I got to know was pretty loving and kind. I wonder who those that you describe are trying to pattern themselves after?
• 

  Prisca

  Crittersitter,

  I'm sorry for what happened to you at your mother's funeral. Those that turned their backs on her and also waiting's daughter have clearly forgotten the Watchtower that was printed several years ago, stating that it was ok to help out df'd persons who were in need or some exceptional circumstance. One example was given if a df'd sister had a flat tire, and a bro saw her, it would be ok to help her out, as it would be simply an act of charity to another human.

  My family (all Witnesses) were in a similar position when my aunt died. Her daughter was df'd about 15 yrs previously and my Dad, an ex-elder, wanted to be seen "doing the right thing". He researched it, and it wasn't discouraged to express sympathy to mourning ones who were df'd. Again, it was seen as an unusual event, not really a case of "socialising".

  And as far as I saw it, I was comforting someone who had lost her mother in very tragic circumstances. I had also lost my mother in death a few yrs earlier, so I had compassion and fellow feeling for my cousin, and wanted to give her some comfort at a very sad time.
• 

  Simon

  Hi Crittersitter
  I've been on both sides of the shunning thing - my father was Df'd so I was instructed not to talk to him and now (ironically since I've got back in touch with him) my mother and sisters won't talk to me because I have dared to question the mighty bastions of truth, the WTBTS.
  My brother who never got baptised is OK - they will talk to him of course (and he's OK with us) but merely for discovering things in the societies own literature that can only be described as lies (they can't be refuted as they are in black and white) then we have been labelled and shunned despite being told at the time that "you'll always be our brother, no matter what...you'll always be welcome...no, we can't discuss anything unless you write it down first" (?!).
  I intend to visit them when they're old and grey, tell them about the great life I've had with my family and ask them what happened to armageddon and Jehovah and if they've just wasted their life...'cause I'm bitter and twisted that way !
• 

  thinker

  To All,
  This is so sad. And unfortunately I know it to be true. Also attended a funeral. Her dad died unexpectedly from a heart attack. I did nod and smile at her. (she had purple eyebrows tatooed on so it was a little weird) But I felt really sorry for her. I don't think she even recognized. Hadn't seen her for years. I wish now I would have went up and hugged her. Well it feels better to express my sorrow at not having done the right thing.
  My family situation is very up in the air right now too. Hard to deal with.
  Thinkers Wife
• 

  Frenchy

  I agree that funerals where df’d people attend do cause a lot of uneasy feelings. Unfortunately I have conducted a great many funerals, even a few before I was an elder. I did one recently after I had ‘resigned’ because the old brother had requested that I do his funeral.
  I have conducted funeral services where there was df’d family and I have always gone up to them and hugged them or shook hands and told them how sorry I was for their loss. Many, however, do not feel that it would be appropriate to do so in light of what the Society publishes on dealings with df’d persons. This is clearly something that a great deal of people are uneasy about.
  Some witnesses, however, seem to derive a perverse pleasure in carrying out the shunning. Not too long ago a sister lost her youngest son who was df’d. Some of her ‘sisters’ did not attend the funeral despite the fact that she has been a faithful witness for longer than some of them have been alive. This despite the fact that she had lost a daughter a year earlier and a son-in-law a few months prior and had another son that was critically ill. We went back to her house with her after the funeral because we had prepared food for the family. There were no witnesses there save us and one other family. Her youngest daughter who has been df’d for years was not able to go to her mother’s house to comfort her because she knew what a hard time the congregation would give her mother. An hour and a half after we were there the phone rang and she was told that her eldest son was now dead.
  The C.O. would not allow me to do the funeral for the youngest son because he died while being df’d. The family, all witnesses except for the one daughter that is df’d, had to go and get a preacher from another religion to do the services. The community was not impressed with the witnesses. It’s one of the things that finally pushed me over the edge. I was the Presiding Overseer of the congregation at the time. This lady used to pick us up for the meetings when I was just a kid. I grew up with her children. At the time she needed the congregation more than ever, the congregation did not help her.
  This is one of the 'basic flaws' of the religion. This is not the case of merely an elder or publisher doing something unkind. This is an organizational flaw that cannot be explained away. It is one of the things that once I faced brought me great sadness.

  -Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it-
• 

  crittersitter

  in a wierd way i'm comforted in knowing i'm not the only one done this way by jw family and friends. actually , i cannot claim any jw friends.
  i was nver da'd or d'fd, but just kind off drifted off into oblivion. when i really needed help, the elders would not help. but they did call on occasion to see if i would go back to meetings. the sad part is i had 4 small kids, stuck in a "holler" in tenn. no car, husband who was a lousy provider and alcholic to boot( always had beer money, but the electric meter got yanked off the house many times)
  i remember after we moved to this place(i hated it there so much) that i got to the tues. book study, after much hassle(kids, car, long drive) now mind you my kids were not perfect, but a dirty look from me would stop them in their tracks.
  the study was held in the home of an older couple(elder and pioneer wife) whose gorgous home was out of a magazine. i was as entranced as my kids were, but made doubly sure they never left my side.
  so after the study was thru, this loving sister took me aside and i thought she was about to compliment me and my well behaved brood( as often happened believe it or not) but ,alas, she quietly suggested i attend the book study at the hall.it would be more suited for my children and myself to attend. you know, easy accsess to potty, other children. i was never so crushed. needless to say i never went back, and the hall was 15 miles further out.
  this has pretty much been the way it was my whole jw life. but i do have to say, that i would love to see these ppl now, and show them the true agape love i have learned. it ain't been easy, and some days it's a struggle to not get mad about the past, but i'm learning to get over it. they all have the same problems we do, just complicated by stupid jw'isms that make a hard life worse.
• 

  mommy

  Hey sorry I have to put my two cents in:)
  "GOD IS LOVE"
  unfortunatley these experiences are not limited to just jws. but if we all remember that GOD IS LOVE and we can feel his love then we will be able to pass on this love
  remember those looks we have all gotten and the backs turned on us and the whispering spoken just loud enough? and vow never to do that to others. ~accept the imperfections~ forgive them~ and treat others as you want to be treated~
• 

  waiting

  Hey mom,

  and vow never to do that to others

  Good advice - but very sharp double sided. If a person is trying not to get df'd, da'd, then by the very act of "associating" with a person df'd, da'd, they can find themselves in the same predicament. So, if I see someone df'd, da'd, the most I can do - safely - is nod, smile, etc. Even family members not living with us are supposed to be treated as such as brought out in the recent CO talk at one-day Assembly.

  A sad state of affairs we find ourselves.

  Hey Frenchy

  I've read this post of yours some time back. Reading it the second time takes nothing away from the shallowness shown this woman by her congregation. I'm sorry you had to be of her congregation, and follow rules, at that time. As for hugging a df'd person in sorrow, you, as an elder, enjoyed more freedom that the publishers. We were to look to you for guidance on how to conduct ourselves, remember? If we questioned, then we were told "You don't know all the circumstances that the elders know."

  We shared coffee and dessert with my daughter and her fiance' this weekend at his home (not jw). My husband told his elder brother where he was going. His brother said we were wrong for "eating" with df'd person. We said the City Overseer had dinner with his df'd son & family - (he told me so when we talked about my daughter). Elder said "Can you prove that you saw him?" Like I care.

  My husband brought out that elder brother's son was df'd. Elder's wife went to visit when 1st grandchild arrived - in hotel, visited family every day for a week. Elder visited another time. Have pictures to prove it. "I didn't share a meal with them, so it was ok" was elder's response.

  So much fine-lining going on.

  waiting