My husband came home from work and told me that he told his mom about me not believing in this religion anymore. She's concerned and thinks I should tell my family. I told him no. I don't want to hurt my family like that. He respects my decision. So I used this as an opportunity to ask him something. I've already told him about the other religions that teach some of the same core doctrines as the witnesses. And he's already told me that he thinks there are other religions that have God's spirit. So I asked him what prevents him from going to another church that teaches those same doctrines. He said one word, "fear." I was surprised he admitted that and I asked him fear of what? He said fear that maybe God doesn't approve of those other religions. He knows I've been reading Steven Hassan's book and I told him that fear is a cult tactic. His response was that fear is also a human emotion so that's not a big deal. Then, he said that even though the society might be wrong about some things, Jehovah will correct them in due time. So I got him to admit his fear of leaving and then I lost him. Maybe I shouldn't have brought up the cult issue. I'm just so eager to show him what I'm learning that maybe I'm not going about it in the right way.
My husband admitted being too fearful to leave the JWs
by doublelife 16 Replies latest jw friends
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yesidid
My husband and I came out together so I cant give advice from personal experience.
However from what others have said, it seems that slow, very, very slow, usually works best.
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oompa
I tried every bit of advice here for three years...it was hell and now i am separated...i hope it goes much better for you...for me it came down to any group that actually changes the bible and makes it say what they want it to to is a fraud...it is easy to prove btw but still my wife will not listen....at least he already admits SOME problems with it.......so good luck.......oompa
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flipper
DOUBLELIFE- Don't fret it too much about " losing your husband " as you phrased it. Yes- it may have been a bit of a slip to use the word " cult " at this point with your JW husband . Perhaps a bit early in his awareness of what you are learning. Witnesses are trained to view " cults " as freaky, scary death dealing child sacrificers , so it might have spooked him a bit.
So at least your husband admits the witnesses might be wrong about certain things. So you have an inroad you can use there. In a subtle way you could ask him WHAT things he feels the witnesses are wrong about - without sounding accusatory . Then try thinking about ALL the different religions you are aware of. Scientologists, Baptists, Catholics , Mormons. Steve Hassan mentions late in his book that if you mention some things THOSE OTHER churches are doing that the Jehovah's Witnesses are doing - then mention some of those things to him in conversation - but only describing the OTHER CHURCHES CONDUCT. DON'T mention Jehovah's Witnesses ; let HIM make that connection in his own mind after you describe something those curches do which the WT society does also !
For instance: Child abuse. Catholics have had mass lawsuits the last few years. Mormons have had sex scandals with various church elders brought up on charges. So by describing the actions going on in OTHER religions - hopefully your husband might make a connection to whatever similar conduct goes on in the witnesses. The purpose of this is to get the cult member ( your husband ) to understand that the witnesses are NO DIFFERENT from any other religion - that just as many bad things happen in Jehovah's Witnesses as the Catholics, Moromons, etc. So get my point ? Hassan mentions this tactic. I've found it works very nicely on witnesses who call on me at my door. It really makes them think by comparison. It's important NO to criticize them - just inform them. I hope things o smoothly with your husband. Don't give up ! Remember HE doesn't understand he is under cult mind control- but YOU do ! That's to your advantage - use that advantage ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper
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drew sagan
I'm just so eager to show him what I'm learning that maybe I'm not going about it in the right way.
A word of caution.
You haven't even finished reading Hassans book yet, and already you are trying move for change. You may be missing very important points if you rush this process. For instance, the most important thing about fear is that it is used to coerce people into making decisions that they normally would not make otherwise. Walking people through examples of how this works in other groups, as well as the group under discussion is one way this can be articulated to the "high control group" member.
Additionally, the idea of focusing on other organizations that have similiar teachings lays the groundwork for a conversational dead end. This is because the argument impliciltly suggests that the Watchtower's institutional and doctrnal structure has legitimacy. If your husband actually does begin to look at those other groups he will no doubt find a reason to say they are not "the truth", ending the discussion. Don't paint yourself into a corner if you don't have to.
Take a deep breath, relax, and be glad that your husband isn't getting ready for a divorce. No doubt he shares some of your feelings, but has not come as far as you have....yet.
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yesidid
OpenMind has had great success. I'm sure if you read his thread on what he did it would help.
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drew sagan
Another suggestion, taken from my own personal experience.
Many books have been written on this subject, and they articulate their arguments much better than somebody who is just starting to "counter witnesses" to their loved ones.
My goal was to get Ray Franz's 'Crisis of Conscience' into my wifes hands and let her read it. I knew that it could do a much better job than what I could do. The problem was fear. I slowly worked on the 'fear of apostates' (simliar to what you have tried) over a peroid of time. When I felt my wife may be ready, I introduced her to the book.
She didn't want to read it at first. It sat on a bookshelf in our bedroom for a few days, completely untouched. Eventually she picked it up and started reading.
As long as you are able to develop an atmosphere of trust and acceptance, the other person may just explore new things. But don't move too fast. I think I introduced COC about 4-6 months after I had actually read it.
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moshe
There is too much emphasis on being an expert at getting a JW spouse to see the "light". It's all about helping them out, sloo-owly, don't scare them away, use the right technique, etc. Well it's unfortunate, but many spouses like mine were stubborn and loyal to the WT org to a fault. It comes down to letting them have their own freedom to hang themselves. I had to accept the fact that, you reap what you sow. I took my lumps in divorce court and rebuilt my life. Your husband is scared and loyal to the KH above his marriage. Expect the worst and don't beat yourself up- good luck.
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agonus
At least your husband is brave enough to admit he's afraid.
Most JWs are too afraid to admit they're afraid.
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Aussie Oz
i need to do something similar with my children before they end up baptized in it and have learned from many that slowly is the key.
I did something similar to what flipper suggests. I started talking about the internet, asking if they have it on at home yet and enquiring how did his stepfather use ebay, answer was the library or work. I then led it to the Chinese govt censoring the internet for most of its population and asked him why did he think they would do that? his answer was perhaps they are scared the people will learn about bad stuff they do or that the rest of the world is better! I then said, you know the scientologists? they do somthing similar, even providing their members a internet explorer program that filters negitive stuff about them, asked him why in the world would a govt or a religion want to control the use of the internet?
i left it at that, i hope after all the recent hoopla about the internet among them that he will make his own connection about them.
I wish you all the best with your husband. all i can sugest is to back off for a while till he kinda forgets it...
Oz