help with parenting ?

creativhoney

for those who are now out and we can't use the 'what would Jehovah think' method any more, has anyone struggled with discipline since leaving?

my parents were so strict and laughter and silliness was frowned upon. - especially by a militant stepfather. - when I left I slacked off a lot with my kids, encouraged them to have their own mind, think about things,

but now I find them to be lazy and insolent, and sometimes speak to me in an entirely inappropriate manner. - they dont seem to have a 'dont say that kind of thing in front of your mother' boundary.

maybe Im overly worried, maybe my own upbringing was so strict, that this is normal kids and Im over reacting, - dont get me wrong, they are top of the class, polite to others and generally lovely boys, but I feel like they dont ever do anything I say without a big logical argument or eyeball rolling and answering back..

Id like to hear your thoughts x

AuntBee

I had 8 children, and know much less now than when i first started. But, i think if they are "generally lovely boys", you probably don't have that much to worry about. Over the years, i've gotten more and more laid back. I'm guessing that your intuition is correct, and they are just normal. I feel very uncomfortable around people who "super discipline/control" their children, and the kids act like perfect little zombies. THey're just human, they have moods, they get cranky, tired, sugared out, etc.

Sometimes if i see that pattern developing, of always fighting me about doing something, giving attitude, etc, i'll just calmly tell them that i'm adding on even more chores. That usually helps break the pattern, at least for a while. -- Often i'll say, you must do such and such, before you can do whatever (the more fun thing.) -- Sometimes i give them a bit of a break on being "mouthy", but other times i crack down, especially when i see a pattern, a habit of it.

Good luck, it's a challenge alright! but I'll bet you're doing great; you sound very conscientious and caring. :)

cheers, auntbee

AuntBee

WOW! Why do i look like an oddly shaped creature with one eye? I love it.

creativhoney

Thanks AUntbee. - I like the fact that its not rigid and eternally consistent. - their room was a tip `i just went in the loft, lay on the bed and said Im not moving till this room is spotless, and you arent playing Lego batman. James said 'you are turning into grandma', (little s***) but I made them do it, hoover and get rid of all the mess. - put the clothes away Id ironed that were just s thrown on the floor. Grrr. then James made me a cup of tea and didnt moan.

the other day I was cold. David brought me hot vimto and put a blanket on me. - they just have their really cheeky lazy moments.. its my sister, she has none of her own but shes always harping on that they are lazy and 'if they were my kids they wouldnt behave like this'''

one day.. hahahah.. doesnt she realise it goes against the grain to beat kids into submission? - I think I will just confiscate the xbox controls until jobs are done xx

freddo

Love it Aunt Bee - I can't match eight but I agree I know less now I'm on my fourth teenager than when I was on my first!

Yup, it all comes to a head when I can't see the bedroom floor for junk and the reins are pulled in for a weekend and a month later and they try it on again - but overall they're lovely kids even though the eldest is 24 and married now. Wait 'til the grandchildren come along - I'll be full of wisecracking "told you so's"

creativhoney

ha ha. I spent hours making that loft a great room too. they dont know what they have sometimes.

xmkx

Children go through several rebellious phases in their lives that are completely normal and actually essential to healthy psychological development. The best thing to do is to make it clear that this behavior is unacceptable, WHY it is unacceptable, and ensure that such behavior is not rewarded in any form while making sure you do reward their behavior when it IS acceptable and explain why that behavior is acceptable. The idea is to teach them that they need to respect others boundaries if they want to get anywhere with those people without you disrespecting their own right to set personal boundaries and make their own choices. It helps a lot of think of things in a "consequences" type way... if you do this, that will happen. If you do that, this will happen. Remember that while punishment is good for discouraging behavior, it does not teach one how to behave in a more acceptable manner nor does it work permanently - once the punishment is removed, the behavior will eventually return. Positive reinforcement of acceptable behaviors is what really makes things stick. It is also important to realize that negative emotions are not "bad" and that it's OK for your child to disagree with you, be angry at you, etc. but it is vital for them to understand that there are acceptable and healthy ways of expressing these emotions and then there are unacceptable and unhealthy ways of expressing those emotions.

This is generally what the child development and behavioral science resources that I have read say. I was so worried about not knowing how to be a good parent to my son that I have been inhaling as much of it as I can get my hands on since the moment I found out I was pregnant. It's worked out very well for us so far... I'm just waiting for the teenage years to hit which is probably when it will REALLY be put to the test, LOL.

mrsjones5

"sometimes speak to me in an entirely inappropriate manner. - they dont seem to have a 'dont say that kind of thing in front of your mother' boundary."

I'm not as strict as my parents (their rooms...Omg). I don't disrespect my children as my parents did us (namecalling, putdowns, and a general attitude of disdain - yeah it was a joy to be brought up by my parents ). But I do not put up with backtalk, foul language (said in front of me, I don't think I can control what is out of earshot but I like to think that my kids don't carry on like that...one can hope), or disrespect of me or the hubby.

I have one teenager (my 15 year old son), a preteen (my 12 year old daughter who thinks she's 26 ) and two younger boys (9 and 6 years). So far so good but I think the sh*t will hit the fan when my daughter starts dating....I don't even want to think about it.

restrangled

Creative honey....

I raised two boys without the help of Jwism. Yeah, I pulled out my hair many a time, ...spent many an hour yelling about clean up, bad behavior, stupid girlfriends, school.....on an on it went.

My worst moment was when when one of my sons was in football, his grades were failing. The Coach had him go out and sell tickents for a game till midnight.

I Called the football line and started screaming, and swearing that they would want a failing kid out till midnight instead of doing homework.

The next day, one of the coaches said to my son...."I'm praying for you son with the mother you have."

Fast forward: I got to hear what a wonderful coach he was....If I had, had enough gumption, I would have slapped him silly.

One son is now 25 earning over 54K a year at 25, the younger working for the Department of Defense with Security Clearance. Both still working on various degrees.

My husband has been the biggest push and provider in all of this...

Fight like a tiger....no jw background needed.

r.

jamiebowers

I don't know if natural parents feel this way, but when I was helping to raise two stepchildren, I treated them as I did everyone else. I don't tolerate disrespectful speech from anyone.

help with parenting ?

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