had second thoughts about divorcing my JW wife... (page 3)

aligot ripounsous

When we travel, it's just her and me, with the occasional trip to the KH for her.

OTWO, I plan to resort to this diplomatic compromise while we will be on holiday in Martinique next summer, just in order not to let my wife feel lonely there when going to the KH. French protestant king-to-be Henri IV had to become a catholic before being allowed to enter Paris and be able to acceed to the throne. He couldn't care less about this religious fuss (was more interested in chicks, he is the one who said that until he was 40 he thought it was a bone), declared that Paris was worth a mass (Paris vaut bien une messe) and became a catholic. Bon roi Henri we call him .

AllTimeJeff

Hey oompa. I wanted to share some other thoughts, hope they help...

After I left, I had discussions with her on a possibloe reconciliation. Her rules included no "apostate" material out in plain view, as that would be "a threat to my faith". (I wish I could have recorded the noise my head and heart made at the same time to hear those words)

She wondered if she could ever trust me again. She said I would have to earn back her trust, and that Jehovah and the organization was what was most important, even though she valued our marriage and would have worked to keep it together.

...and I considered that. I considered living a lie again.

Every couple and circumstance is different. When I finally said once and for all "No way", it was the realization that her terms were JW terms and I would have been tacitly supporting that.

I wanted in the worst way for her to love me simply for me. It wasn't possible.

In spite of that, in spite of all the logic, of all the good reasons, of knowing with 100% clarity why I left her, it still hurts. It always will. Have I fantasized about a reunion? Sure, and it will never happen, nor do I really want it. I only want the comfort that for me, my 20's weren't an almost total waste of time. But living in the past is a poor balm when your future requires you to heal so that you can move forward.

I still remember some fun times. We had a unique chemistry. I considered us the David and Maddie of JW pioneer couples. (from the old show Moonlighting if you didn't get that reference) Witty, playful fighting, it was fun for a while. But it was an immature, retarded relationship caused by living a JW lifestyle, and required two adults in total possesion of themselves in order to make it right.

It takes one to mess up a relationship, two to fix it. One person by themself can never repair a relationship. However, one person can soberly make the decision that the future doesn't need to be hijacked by the past.

You know my biggest regret through all of this? That the most I have ever reached out to people were through these internet boards. I am just now getting out with real people in the community. It's really been a lonely hell. I hope that you try to involve yourself with other people sooner then I did.

Thanks for listening.... As always, feel free to chuck all of this if it doesn't fit.

treadnh2o

Oompa,

I told my wife, five years ago I no longered believed in the JW religion. Last year I quit everything cold turkey. I also am araging apostate in my home. I moved out last spring. She wanted me back no matter my belief. I loved her. Was still attracted to her. It was far less expensive to stay. So I moved back in with her (oh yeah and got her pregnant, but thats a whole differnt story). It was the right decision for me. She has accepted me not being a JW. I simply go to NFL or MLB games on Sundays. I get a free night during the week in which I can go do whatever I like.

My point is...If you think it will work for you, don't be afraid to try. You can bail later but she cannot remarry you after your divorce. (stupid man-made rules)

jamiebowers

When I finally said once and for all "No way", it was the realization that her terms were JW terms and I would have been tacitly supporting that.

I wanted in the worst way for her to love me simply for me. It wasn't possible.

AllTimeJeff, this is the exact sentiment I've read in Oompa's previous posts.

Oompa, I hope you really think about this. Seperate social lives weren't your only problems.

yknot

Sending you good vibes........

I am not in any position to give advice only wishes for you to have a happy, balanced and healthy life.

Aussie Oz

After my divorce, my ex came back and asked to try again, by then i was D/F as well. She wanted to get back together for the sake of the kids. I refused, a marriage based only on shared children and a mortgage, full of the declared dislike that she had for me was no way to go.

Still, it was no picnic. Divorce lost me 99% of my time with my children, 100% property settlement, and worse, it broke me emotionaly and physically for years.

Please think it over carefully, if you and the wife can find a way to be happy together NOW, go for that.

oz

oompa

Wow...lots of good material here guys and thanks! But let me clarify a few things...I care very deeply for my wife and can says she is a "wonderful woman"...that just does not seem to be the same as really being in love...a lady friend of mine told me her husband is a "great guy" and i nearly shuddered because i related to the description...I still love my wife on some level...but do not feel the passion anymore. can people stay married without the passion in their marriage? Absolutely! MANY couples are married for many different reasons other than deep love and passion....kids, money, insurance, convenience, too painful to move on etc. I could prob sit tight for just overall convenience ....and pretend some things are better than they are...but twice in the past three years i have gotten to know other women and can tell that there is a good chance at finding something I really want to feel in my life...to be with someone I can really see myself happy dying with. I don't know why, but I always seem to have had way too many really close women as my friends rather than guy friends...hey I REALLY love women so fault me for that if you must. Funny but there are enough women on this board that I have talked to over the years to verify what i just wrote!!...Mouthy want me bad!

I think I will do another thread on being in love vs. loving someone...

But there comes a time in life....often near middle age for most people, and ESP if a jw and feel most of your life has been a waste...that you realize you only have maybe ten REALY good years left...I can handle the 50's but beyond that I hope i go in the saddle at an earlier age...I so hate nursing homes, assisted living...the smell....shoot me! Anyway, so you stop and think how you have lived your entire life for others....your parents, your kids, teachers, bosses, mates, elders!!!!...and you stop and evaluate and decide to be true to yourself for the first time in your life!!!!....you want find true happiness...whatever that is!

I am a very passionate person...about life...love...music...you name it...i want to be with someone who is passionate for SOMETHING besides Jehovah and his Earthly Organization (barf)!!!....and them having passion for me would be kinda nice too!!! The pain and monetary cost of my decision are staggering....but right now I think i am going to be true to myself....oompa......thanks again all

Satanus

By definition, jws aren't allowed to be true to themselves. Most 'worldly' people (excuse the jw expression) are ahead of jws in that field. Jws are taught to NOT be true to themselves. They are taught to be afraid of being true to themselves. They are taught that they need to put on a NEW personality. There are so many layers of artificial that an exiting jw has to transcend in order to become free. Congratulations on taking some steps in that direction, oompa.

S

OnTheWayOut

...i want to be with someone who is passionate for SOMETHING besides Jehovah and his Earthly Organization (barf)!!!....and them having passion for me would be kinda nice too!!! The pain and monetary cost of my decision are staggering....but right now I think i am going to be true to myself....oompa......thanks again all

Yesterday, you had second thoughts about divorce. Today, you seem like divorce is best for you. Just slow down. From speaking to you in the past, you seem like you will never settle for a life of compromise. But hey, just slow down and be sure of what you want. The window for staying with your wife will soon close. If you allow that to happen and stick with breaking up, then go full speed ahead. Right now, slow down buddy.

If it's simply "cheaper to keep her," that's understandable. But you want to grow old with someone who is passionate like you, possible for you or at least for the enjoyment of life.

I get it. You want your wife to become that. I have hope for my wife becoming that, but not enough hope to bank on that. My wife and I have a passion for each other, but we enjoy life with both hands inside the roller coaster. If you need to wave your arms and scream, you might need a different partner. But slow down, fellow. Slow down.

oompa

otwo...my subject line is... HAD second thoughts about divorcing...not HAVING

after spending time apart...then a day together.... which seemed to verify things and be part of closure....

i have to be separated for nearly 10 more months anyway so slow is mandatory in some ways...but i am lookin like hell to see what may be....

I told my wife at breakup that i could not take making love to her and afterward...she would get sad at some point and the look i saw in her eyes is "honey i love you so...please come back to jehovah so you are not birdfood soon at armagaddon...you are already dead to me now because we will not be in paradise together"... see if she were looking for a husband I would not be on the top 100 list because I would not even make the list!!...i told her that and of course she could not help but agree

someone else posted that she may look good if we stay together...that she would never remarry due to stigma...but the opposite is true...her friends would ALL have a prob with her getting back with omg...an APOSTATE!!!...she would almost be shunned!!!!..........if she divorces..the she was so faithful to da org that she will be highly looked up to and a great catch

and thanks for all the PM's....geeze there a lot of people in the same boat..........oompa

had second thoughts about divorcing my JW wife...

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