Oh my god i'm about to pull my hair out!

SeekingSanity

Alright.... Everyone keep saying OVER AND OVER AGAIN ..you can't love someone without loving yourself first. All people ever do ...even the ones that are in codependant relationships that are violent and upsetting say 'you must love yourself first' ...i've been told that ALL my life...'love yourself first love yourself first'

YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S LIKE TELLING SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T KNOW JAPANESE......'YOU GOTTA LEARN JAPANESE FIRST!' YOU GOTTA LEARN JAPANESE FIRST?

no one EVER tells you HOW to do it. If someone comes from a dysfunctional family and broken family where there WAS BARELY any love (japanese)...WHAT IS THE USE OF TELLING SOMEONE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST IF THEY NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW TO LOVE????????????????????? I'M ANGRY AND UPSET THAT PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID SOMETIMES! IF SOMEONE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT...BECUASE THEY HAVE BEEN BROUGHT UP BEATEN...ABUSED...IN EVERY WAY AND THEN EXPECT THAT CHILD TO GO ABOUT AND SAY 'LOVE YOURSELF' ...EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK LOVE REALLY IS....OR HOW TO EVEN DO IT...THEN WHY NOT ...HELP HIM SEE? INSTEAD OF GIVING HIMTHAT BS?????????

They say 'you're being loving when your self sacrificing, look out for other people's needs first' ...........NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I grew UP having to sacrifice.......put shit on the line and give up shit OUT OF OBLIGATION! and i STILL feel like i'm hallow and empty! i'm upsset....

i'm in a great relationship with this amazing girl....and i still feel empty.

Robdar

Well the first thing you have to do on your long trip to self love is learn how to properly hate yourself.

Once you learn to hate yourself, you have to learn how to nourish yourself and appreciate yourself despite the fact you feel like a wanker sometimes.

While you are going through the self acknowledged wank period, you will need to continue to reflect in order to understand yourself better. Through understanding yourself, you will understand others.

Eventually you will tire of your self loathing and forgive yourself. Once you forgive yourself for sometimes being a putz, you will forgive others also for sometimes being a putz. This is the beginning of self love and acceptance--not only of yourself but of others.

Hope this helps. And welcome to the board.

SeekingSanity

How?

Robdar

What? You don't know how to hate yourself?

AudeSapere

They say 'you're being loving when your self sacrificing, look out for other people's needs first' ...........NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I grew UP having to sacrifice.......put shit on the line and give up shit OUT OF OBLIGATION! and i STILL feel like i'm hallow and empty! i'm upsset....

I get what you are saying and feel like I have much to say about this but can't put words and thoughts together right now. Will sit on it for a bit and try to post something later.

I understand where you are and where you are coming from. There *is* an answer. And I have found some things that helped me turn it around for myself but need to think for a bit.

When you are 'self-sacrificing' out of obligation, that is *NOT* 'self-sacrifice'. The obligation part gives a clue that you are being used as a pawn in someone else's game.

The hallow and empty feeling is because there was no real 'self' that formed it's own identity. It was merely an object of someone else's possession.

Finding very, very simple things to do for yourself and you ALONE may be a good stepping stone. It's a weird, and long story that I don't care care to detail here, but one of my own simple and selfish things that I did was taking first pick at a bucket of chicken. I took the piece that *I* really wanted instead of waiting for others to serve themselves and just hoping that the one I had my eye on was still available. It was a stupidly simple yet profound act of nourishing myself that I still feel content 20 years later. I can tell you where we were, who was there, and so many things about that meal. And even though it was an uncomfortably selfish act, I oddly felt very comforted inside - because I knew I was consciously doing it for the purpose of self-nurture.

I think at the time I was also reading some Bradshaw books.

There *are* answers for you. If you grew up as one of Jehovah's witnesses, unfortunately, there are MANY issues to deal with. I truly feel your pain~!!

Don't think I've seen you here before, so here is my welcome: Welcome to JWN!

-Aude Sapere (meaning: Dare to Know; Dare to Have Wisdom/Understanding)

SeekingSanity

I know how to hate myself. I hate myself PLENTY. (obviously)... i guess i'm asking for examples. Cause i'm like ......i already hate myself...if that's the case, then i should be the most lovin man in the world to be hating myself so much.

Robdar

So, why do you hate yourself?

SeekingSanity

"Finding very, very simple things to do for yourself and you ALONE may be a good stepping stone. It's a weird, and long story that I don't care care to detail here, but one of my own simple and selfish things that I did was taking first pick at a bucket of chicken. I took the piece that *I* really wanted instead of waiting for others to serve themselves and just hoping that the one I had my eye on was still available. It was a stupidly simple yet profound act of nourishing myself that I still feel content 20 years later. I can tell you where we were, who was there, and so many things about that meal. And I felt very comforted inside."
Oh! See now we're talking. This is 'how' ...Gives me examples. But see I don't know about you Aude...but Everytime I do something like THAT..I feel so SELFISH...and GREEDY...and i start HATING myself for being THAT selfish and GREEDY! OR better yet: INCONSIDERATE! The guilt swells up inside me and i just go nuts. And i rather not feel that, so ......i 'wait for the last piece and pray i get what i wanted'
Even if someone OFFERS that to me...i feel OBLIGATED to reject it! for THEIR benefit......and if i DON'T..i feel STUPID and selfish.

AudeSapere

Robdar - I don't understand where you are going with an approach of going to 'self-loathing' first to know know how to 'self-love'.

You lost me. I really don't understand why self-loathing is a key to self-loving.

Or maybe I just need more coffee to keep up with you.

-Aude.

Robdar

Hi Aude, maybe I wasn't too clear because I am having to peck and paw between my work load.

The reason I say it starts with self loathing is because he is already suffering self loathing, even as you did, even as I did. He's already there, it's his home base--and it's okay. Somebody needs to tell him it's okay, and to remind him to nourish himself and understand his self loathing. He needs to learn to put himself first--to take that desired piece of chicken (I love that story)

A person cannot go from feeling like a putz to loving himself without a lot of self reflection and honesty. It takes time. And it begins by acknowledging your hatred for yourself but still remembering to occassionally be kind towards yourself. By reminding yourself to be kind to yourself even though you hate yourself, eventually kindness will replace self loathing as your home base. Eventually you will remember you are worthy to love and be loved.

Oh my god i'm about to pull my hair out!

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