Need some support (page 5)

poppers

my parents (dad is an elder) said that they just wanted me to be happy however that is.

The fact that they are depressed and angry now is testament to how deep the indoctrination has gone. It shows that the unconditional love of parent for child has been supplanted by the WT doctrine of conditional love. You know that, of course, but they can't see it for themselves. Hang in there, things will get better. Broaden your circle of friends outside the confines of WT influence and you will find more support than you thoug ht possible.

Mad Sweeney

Having sex with someone else has zero benefits

Then you're not doing it right.

Seriously, isn't there enough judgmentalism within the JWs? Do we have to hear more of it here?

This is a woman who spent years trapped within a mind-controlling cult married to an uber-Dub and you expect 100% psychologically sound reasons for her behavior? Do ANY OF US exhibit psychologically sound behavior all of the time? Especially in relation to the cult?

Hard-heartedness sucks.

~Jen~

Thanks everyone. I have an appointment with my Dr this morning to get a referral for a therapist.

Quillsky - under the circumstances yes I felt like it was the only thing to do.

I had been trying to work on my marriage for a long time. I was crying out to my husband and he wasn't listening. I told him I was depressed, he did nothing. I asked to see a therapist, he said no. I told him there were problems in the marriage, he told me there weren't. I was extremely depressed and he would do nothing to help me emotionally, and was the type of person who felt that just ignoring the problem would make it go away. His parents moved into our house and were causing all sorts of problems. I found out that my ex was talking to me about them and "agreeing" with me just so it would shut me up and he was going to them and telling them to ignore me because I had problems.

I was extranged from my family at the time and hadn't seen them in over 6 months. They were extremely manipulative and have always blamed me for everything.

I was sick of seeing the two facedness of witnesses - especially my inlaws who would be super nice to people and then say horrible horrible things behind their back. Family get togethers with the ex's side would end up being bash fests on the brothers. Meanwhile my inlaws weren't working by choice and would judge other brothers for not giving them money.

I had no true friends - I only had fairweather friends who decided that because the ex wasn't an MS that we weren't good enough.

Not to mention I always knew I didn't want to be a witness all my life but had been too scared to leave.

I didn't think before doing what I did. I was desperate and angry and I snapped. I knew my family, I knew if I just left the EX that they would manipulate me to coming back and I would be so weak that I would. i did something to get myself DF'd so that they WOULD cut me out of their lives and I wouldn't have to deal with that manipulation any longer.

I asked the EX what he'd do if I said I didn't want to be a JW and he told me he'd have forced me to study with the elders.

There was SO much going on. Looking back it was the absolute wrong thing to do, however at the time I snapped and did the only think I knew how *then*. I really wish I found this website before because I'm sure I would have handled it differantly but at the time, I knew no other way.

Michelle365

Geez Jen. I SWEAR we have the same freaking life. lol.

had been trying to work on my marriage for a long time. I was crying out to my husband and he wasn't listening. ---me too
was sick of seeing the two facedness of witnesses - especially my inlaws who would be super nice to people and then say horrible horrible things behind their back.---me too
had no true friends - I only had fairweather friends--me too
I always knew I didn't want to be a witness all my life but had been too scared to leave.---me too
I asked the EX what he'd do if I said I didn't want to be a JW and he told me he'd have forced me to study with the elders.---me too

I do have a supportive family as they have all left the cult now too. Also I avoided getting df'd for over 3 years because I wouldn't give my EX and his parents the satisfaction of pushing me out. They still never got anything on me they just da'd me due to pressure from them. lol.

I really feel for you and am going through much of the same stuff. It sucks and it's hard but it'll get better as you build a new life. ((((HUGS))))

Mad Sweeney

Jen, please don't feel that you owe anyone here an explanation. Share what you want to share but don't feel obligated to provide answers. You're free from that now.

shamus100

Are you seeing a therapist? I have to say, I'm seeing one right now, and that is hands down the best thing I could have done for myself. Mom pretty much told me I ruined her life too. I would recommend finding a therapist to talk to.

The best advice given yet. I highly recommend talking to a homo-sapien - it's just not the same typing words on an internet chat board.

The worst thing that witlesses do is they judge you in hindsight / berate you, bring you down. WE've all gone through it, and let me tell you, it's wrong, wrong, wrong. It takes time to realize that we are all just human and we sometimes do things that aren't right, but we've made the best decision that we could under the circumstances at the time. That's good self-esteem. And if you feel it was wrong, accept the fact that you are not jesus christ, (remember, he died for our sins!), learn from your mistake, and move on without the should's bringing you down.

I would never judge you why you left your husband, because I am sure there is a lot more to each side. I don't care. You left the cult, you did your best, and that's all that counts.

Now your whole life is ahead of you. Cut out the cancer completely, move on with your life, and just wait five years how much better things will be. Hang in there!

Butterflyleia85

I second Mad Sweeney!! I already saw your pain and desperation. Just coming here for answers makes you feel like geez this is my last hope... maybe someone will give me answers... or at least understand. You, like Michelle365, and many other... we understand!!

It help to have support! Keep posting and reading other's posts, it helps alot! You will learn alot visiting here and hopefully will come in understanding yourself and what choices will help you in your life...

hemp lover

"It was the only way you knew how to leave your relationship, was it? Why not simply leave? That's one way I can think of."

Quillsky, what if she wanted a "Scriptural" divorce? Growing up as an elder's daughter, I can't count how many times my dad was called out late at night by a JW stalking their ex, trying to catch them in adultery, so they could be free to remarry. It's a sad fact of this silly religion that you can't just leave cleanly without causing or experiencing pain, not a marriage and not the religion as a whole.

((Jen))

jamiebowers

I didn't think before doing what I did. I was desperate and angry and I snapped. I knew my family, I knew if I just left the EX that they would manipulate me to coming back and I would be so weak that I would. i did something to get myself DF'd so that they WOULD cut me out of their lives and I wouldn't have to deal with that manipulation any longer.

Same here, and I was running for my life from an abusive jw husband. I made a false confession of adultery, but it doesn't matter, because I wasn't going to stay single forever.

Look, there is no honorable way of leaving a cult. Surround yourself with supportive people, including a good therapist, and avoid toxic people, even if they happen to be family.

GLTirebiter

Jen, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this crappy guilt-trip at the hands of your family and ex.

This looks like a version of what has been called "emotional abuse" or "emotional terrorism" (be aware the second link is written from a male point of view, but this problem cuts both ways). This seems to be a common theme in JW divorce and child support cases. I suspect that's because the WT society uses similar tactics to control the members.

Above all, remember to do what's best for your children. Unfortunately, the attitudes of the parties makes that hard to do. Try to keep a civil tongue, and not bad mouth your ex or the grand-parents (no matter how attractive pay-back may be). Keep a good attitude in a crappy situation, because the children will see and act on your example. Do what you can to keep this psychological poison from affecting another generation.

Hang in there, others have made it through this storm and you can make it, too!

GLT

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