Without divulging too much information about myself, I'm on the East Coast, up north. We've been hammered by snow storms, and from what I hear we've got another one on the way tommorrow night. This month, I've missed 4 meetings total. 3 Tuesday night meetings, and one Sunday. I got 4 hours of field circus this month, two of which I'm lying about. You know I've never felt better in my life. Granted I'm sick of shoveling. Between shoveling for my personal parking spot, and helping older neighbors on my block, to slipping and falling, trudging through the snow and slush, making up hours at work, a fender bender that a hillbilly autobody shop overcharged me to repair, shopping for my parents, .....I'm about sick of this weather. And its early yet. Still got March and April and we get snow here during those months too.
However, call me crazy, but the night before a meeting when I'm watching the news and the weather girl comes on and says we've got a low pressure system developing from the south, I get all tingly inside. Then she says the potential for 3-6 inches.......my ears perk up.........then she says starting between 5pm-6pm.............call me Caligula. Granted that means its going to be a nightmare getting home from work, but thats ok!!!! Because its guaranteed the PO (I still call him that) is going to call me and say, "I talked with the other brothers and we're thinking about cancelling." He calls it , "thinking about cancelling". Translation: he's spineless and worried I'm pious enough to question his spirituality for even considering such a thing. Little does he know, I've been expecting his call, and looking forward to it. I reassure him, "yeah we need to cancel. The roads are getting bad out there." It gives me so much joy to call those in my group and tell them the real "good news." Thank you white manna from the sky! Thank you arctic cocaine from the heavenly Bolivia! I can relax for a change. I actually sleep better on non-meeting nights. When a meeting is cancelled its like I've over-dosed on Ambien. Serenity. Peace.
Eventually though, the weather gets better. The sun comes out, and the roads are clear. Full of pot holes, but driveable. I've been to two meetings this month, and now I'm completely miserable again. The concluding chapter and final study in the book Keep Yourself In God's Love, talks about how Jehovah has given us "hope" , and not to let "Satan's old system" make us "negative." Whats ironic to me is this system doesnt make me negative. I deal with it. Accept it for what it is, and deal with it. What makes me negative, is these meetings, which are often about meetings. We apply Hebrews 10:24-25 at meetings. You understand what I'm saying? We have meetings about meetings, for the sake of being in harmony with a minute section of the Apostle Paul's letter that dealt with group support. Not only that, but I go in service as a Christian to preach to other Christians. Or its some adult who can't handle life's simple problems that calls me in the middle of the night because she feels guilty for watching and enjoying House. Its all so repetitive and time consuming. Its not encouraging. It's depressing. Its all a waste ot time. The past week and a half I feel like my life is coming to a close. My chest feel like I swallowed a tennis ball as I'm typing this.
Why is it that the religion or faith that is supposed to give you comfort or hope, is the very thing that makes you contemplate stepping in front of a bus with hardly any traffic around, or leaving your car running in the garage while you sit and wait for the exhaust to put you out of your misery? I miss meetings and I feel great. I attend meetings, and I leave disgruntled, angry, cheated, dissillusioned, even somewhat suicidal. Not that I would ever do that. At least not now. But you ever feel like this? Did it ever get to this point in your life while still in? Feel like I'm breaking.