Borg court: 3rd session & verdict (page 4)

skeeter1

Ok, I now see that that was 4 years ago. Please give us an update on what happened!

Sorry about commenting on this thread, since it's ancient history now; early 2010 was when all this happened. I've tried, with varying degrees of success, to avoid talking about my marriage since this turbulent era. I'll try to be more cautious with addressing it now, with a little time having passed since then.

DesirousOfChange, to answer your question, yes and no. It killed any chance of ever trusting each other again. But that was my fault for letting it all happen to begin with. I ignored the sound advice of many folks here at the time and married her knowing this was a distinct possibility, so, I paid the price for it in full. So I've got no one to blame but myself, as she did what she thought was right, what any obedient JW would do. Would've taken a brave or foolish JW to just trust sd-7 that yeah, the 'faithful slave' is actually lying about stuff. And it seems that merely believing someone to be extraordinary does not make them so. She was not extraordinary. I just wanted her to be.

The marriage continued, but I maintained it out of a sense of duty, and maybe a vain hope that we could still love each other to an extent. The emotional abuse was particularly bad for the rest of that year, and of course I stopped attending meetings with her within a month of the announcement. If I were to detail some of the preposterous things that happened, well, 9.9 out of 10 men in my position would have left long ago. But I was...well, the golden retriever. Not good at fighting for myself, and too wounded inside after learning that I'd spent 20+ years on a lie and that no one in my family believed a word I said anymore. So I stayed.

It was documented on here that I did separate from her in 2011 (or more accurately, she left me, at my reluctant request), but it was under circumstances I would not have preferred. It was not a case of infidelity, but something I can't discuss nonetheless, at least not here in a public forum. I didn't want the marriage to end that way, but I wasn't particularly interested in reuniting at the time. I started to enjoy being alone, though I was simultaneously very depressed. Home was scary and quiet and empty, their clothes and pictures and toys scattered everywhere, as if time had stood still, as if they'd be back any moment.

In the long run, I could have ended it then, found a new life, hopefully learned to love myself and stop putting stock in relationships as having any value at all. In my experience, relationships have just been miniaturized cults, anyway. I wasn't prepared to be loved unconditionally, and my gentle personality and being a born-in made me extremely vulnerable to falling under an undue influence again. I deserve better, and should never have tolerated it. Even so, I couldn't go through with the divorce, because it wasn't really a conscious decision being made by me, it was being made by circumstance, by opportunity.

And the fact is, even beyond all logic, I felt like the bad guy, consumed with guilt over all that had happened. I didn't seduce her to begin with. I didn't even propose marriage to her in the first place. It was never my plan to have sex with her that first time, much less to marry her. I went along with it because I wanted her, but I knew I couldn't or shouldn't really have her. I wanted her far too much, I guess I made her into an idol of sorts at the time, put aside all common sense. So in the end, what happened was my fault for not just walking away that night and not letting it go that far. I had every opportunity to call it off, and I didn't. So it was my fault.

Considering her worldview, how can I blame her for being mad at me, for mistreating me? She has every right to feel as betrayed as I did.

In the time we were apart, I never called her. For a month, I spent time exploring myself, enjoying the quiet, catching up on R-rated movies, meeting ex-JWs, going to a divorce support group, actually having money left by the time I got the next paycheck, actually getting sleep. Were it not for the loneliness that was always chasing me, and the sadness at seeing my stepdaughter's photos, I might have felt entirely happy and free. And in truth, it was good to be king.

In the meantime, my wife was back with her mother. Her mom wanted her to get a job, and perhaps even give her toddler an actual bedtime. If I had to guess, she found that situation unacceptable. My own mother attempted to play peacemaker to figure out what happened and even suggested to my wife that I wanted to talk to her again. Which I never actually said to her. I had no ill will towards my wife, but I had nothing else to say to her, either. All that could have been said had been said, and she was gone. I thought it would make her happy to leave, to be free of yet another male betrayal. Even so, my wife called me eventually and we started talking again. And in time, we got back together. My mother-in-law was actually quite against it, as I take it she didn't like me and expected that I would just end up sending her daughter back to her again.

In truth, the cynical view is that my wife didn't like the idea of having to, for lack of a better term, grow up again, work for a living and deal with the challenges that most adults have to deal with. At the same time, it's not like she planned on me asking her to leave, or else she probably would have been working, I suppose. Either way, why work if someone else can work for you and you can reap the benefits, right? Bottom line, she realized it was better here than there. She had a "good owner", she said. Although...who was owning who there? Well, I think it's pretty obvious she was wearing the pants but just never putting any money in the pockets.

Anyway, I took the road few in their right mind would take, and we got back together. Things improved. There were still ups and downs, but I tried much harder to stand up for myself and it became a more equal situation, though far from perfect. As has already been stated on a previous thread, she became pregnant, probably a month after we reunited, and we were both quite excited about that. I struggled with the realities of it, my child growing up in a divided household and facing the same battles I did growing up. I struggled with the challenges of preparing for and handling the expenses of a baby--doctor's appointments, building furniture, etc. I couldn't have done it alone; luckily, the JWs treated her as one of their own and showered her with gifts. And fortunately, earlier this year, we had a healthy baby boy, who was named after a righteous king of Judah. He's my spitting image, and truly beautiful. Even my JW brother, who parted ways with me with a 'f*** you' 2.5 years ago, was kind enough to help out a bit. He's the golden boy of the family now, giving public talks and all, but despite being the freshly minted black sheep of the family, I'm the only one of us with kids, so that kind of evens out.

The journey of pregnancy together and watching our son grow has, I think, changed our relationship for the better. I don't know if that just means we're so busy that we have no relationship with each other, just one with the kids. I'm not sure. I know that even with all of this, I love them all, her included (yes, even despite the 'Forget You' song, I mean, come on, at some point your mate makes you want to say it). I've decided to have no further children, though, because we lack the resources for it. And I want to try to make this situation work, sort of shave the edges off the square peg so that it fits into the round hole, if you will.

Already my mother is planning to go all 'Lois and Eunice' with my son, but I have already begun training him in secret. I tell him little factoids about the Society and on occasion read to him, be it from the Bible or even from Steve Hassan's 'Freedom of Mind'. It's a slow process, and perhaps one that will be of no value at all. But there's hope. I understood when I learned that I was in a cult that I would only receive myself as spoil from this situation. I knew I had to be prepared to sacrifice wife, children, anything, but in the end, to win, I hope. To get my mind out, and so I have.

It is my hope that my son will develop a love for learning and an intellect sharper than my own, but with the emotional wisdom to not make the same mistakes I did. Perhaps neither will happen. Perhaps he'll surpass me. But I'll always be proud of him for no reason other than that he is my son. Besides, he's only 6 months. That's a lot of pressure on a little dude. So, I try not to worry about it too much.

I'm opening the floodgates to criticism, but as always, a man's got to go his own way. Mine has been unconventional. But I'm not going to be ashamed of trying to preserve my marriage and keep the vows that I made. I've faced a lot in a short time, and when I look back at the man I was just a couple of years ago, I'm amazed at how much I've grown. It may not look like much to the more developed among us here, but for me, it's been a marathon of the mind, it has been an incredible change.

The fight for freedom goes on. I hope in the end, that when my sun sets, and the new one rises, I'll rest knowing that my legacy is in good hands. Free hands. That's all I have left to fight for. So, I fight on.

--sd-7

dreamgolfer

Hey Sd-7 (Christopher)

Been reading your plight, and I have to say you are VERY VERY Brave, not sure if I would endure what you have been exposed to. But I choose to "Fade" and let that work for me.

I too have a Wife, that is "Still in" so I feel for you. You have my thoughts and good wishes going to you via SCI-FI KArma (I heard you can buy that in the back of the Comic Books stores now.

Anyway I think OTWO and JAmie are right in their comments, you did the best you can and you are VERY BravE!

We are all behind you and know you did the right thing for yourself and your wife.

However if I am not mistaken my Tax lady said a "joint return/refund" has to go in a "joint checking account" IRS Rules she said (Federal) your State if you have such, may have a different rule.

Chin up man!

You can do it

ziddina

Wow, sd-7....

Your little guy has a terrific father!!!

I also sincerely hope that he sees thru the cult mentality as he grows up...

jemba

Just read your story from JC 2yrs ago to now. Its an amazing read. Thanks for sharing SD-7.

Im so happy you have a little son that you can teach critical thinking skills to. I hope one day that your wife sees TTATT and joins you in freedom.

Your comments on this board are always enlightening and enjoyable and its good to hear the experience of a man whos been through so much cult crap and survived to tell the story.

DesirousOfChange

I love a happy ending!

Doc

out4good3

I'm not going to be ashamed of trying to preserve my marriage and keep the vows that I made.

Nice Post....

Though our circumstances are fairly similar, all the things you were going through, I know I couldn't have persevered as you have. I know that when I found out TTATT my wife put me through the wringer, but in comparison, my path was a cakewalk.

It is a testament that you were able to keep it together as you have.

Good Luck to your Future....

sd-7

out4good3--that's got to be the nicest thing you've ever said to me. I think in hindsight I probably deserved everything else you've said. But thanks, bro.

Whenever I find the anger starting to build again, I try to approach it with a Superman mindset--we have to show them something better than the intolerance and oppression they're showing towards us. We have to inspire them to be better by our example. If we don't do that, they have no reason to wonder if the grass is any greener on the other side. It's the hardest thing in the world, but I want to take as high a road as possible. Never perfect, but...it's the best I can manage.

--sd-7

Aunt Fancy

Christopher, I really enjoyed reading your story. You write very well but I have to say I admire you for doing what was right and taking care of your family. You went through a lot and yet you stayed with your wife and step daughter when everything was going south. I am happy to hear you have a son now and I hope that he will be free from this cult. You never know about your wife, she may one day realize that it is all a lie and walk away. My husband nd I left together a year ago so we have supported each other. You mentioned that you see a therapist which I highly recommend but I hope you can get your wife to one with you. We were going to therapy first and it made us much stronger which then lead to our finding out TTATT. I wish you so much peace and happiness.

Borg court: 3rd session & verdict

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