Atheist: What words of comfort do you give when you find out someone is terminally ill?

cyberjesus

I found out someone I know is terminally ill. Before I would put my JW hat and give them comfort from the bible and the hope of resurrection. But now that I dont believe in Paradise nor in Heaven what do you say to someone who is terminally ill and still has some Religious beliefs?

Blue Grass

As an atheist I don't see how you can spin untimely death into something good or even have any words of comfort when you believe it's the end. Just tell them how you truly feel. Say to them that this is end of their life and they have absolutely no hope of ever living again or seeing any of their loved ones again. Remind them that their life has been cut short and there are so many things they always wanted to do but will now never experience. If they have small kids or grandkids, talk about how they'll never see them graduate school, get their first job, get married, have kids of their own, and any other happy life events we all look forward to. Don't forget to mention all the pain their death will cause the surviving family members, some of which may become depressed and end up using drugs or committing suicide or just having their lives completely destroyed from all the grief. Whatever you tell them, just make sure your being honest with the person who's ill and yourself.

cameo-d

I think I would try to appeal to their sense of adventure...that there is something to be experienced after this life.

Recently, I was discussing near death experience with someone else who has experienced this. The pharmacist had given her the wrong medication. She took a pill and became very weak and dizzy; she could not stay awake or stand up, so she slept all day. Then, when it was time for next dose, she took another pill, not quite yet putting it together that the pill had caused this reaction.

Later her family could not wake her up and called ambulance. She had slipped into coma.

She later told her family that she had been with (a deceased family member). She said she had gone to a place that was so beautiful. The landscape impressed her most of all. She described to me many of the plants and the tall straight trees. Everything was beautifully manicured and the colors were so brillant. What she saw was like an endless park. Her deceased family member told her to "go back" that it was not her time yet.

Her mother used the Jamican eupheumism for the experience and told her "she had gone a-travelin'".

In answer to your question, cyberjesus, because I have had a near death experience, and because I believe that this life is not all there is.....if I were in your situation, I would probably find an interesting book about people who have "crossed over" and come back. It is mentioned in the bible as "the third heaven". (The first heaven is the sky where the birds fly; the second heaven is high in the clouds; the third heaven is what is unseeable beyond the clouds)

I think, to talk about the experiences of others who have "died" and what they saw and experienced, will ease any fears that your friend may have. It may also help your friend to have a sense of familiarity of the next realm when the time comes.

cantleave

I'm not an outright atheist but I think the bible is a waste of books. Before I felt that way it was actually very easy for me to say I something trite and then back it up with a scripture hoping it would give comfort. I now have to really dig deep to say something truly meaningful and from my heart. I think this far better.

wobble

I am sure Bluegrass, that our friend Cyberjesus is asking the question out of a desire to be truly helpful and comforting to a person who is ill.

Your sarcastic reply is neither loving, Christian or helpful.

Would you say those things, though all true perhaps, to a person in that situation ? No? why not ?

because you would say it is cruel and will not raise their spirits, rather the opposite. So you refrain from mentioning these things as a kindness, so Cyberjesus, whatever his beliefs, should do the same.

So that leaves us to answer Cybers question.

My two cents. Just visit, be there,let your friend talk,listen,let your friend cry if needed, cry with him or her. Again listen, be good company.

Love

Wobble

cofty

Wobble is spot on. Listen and let them talk. Be prepared for their anger, don't tell them how they ought to feel. Reassure them that their loved ones will be looked after. Tell them why they have made a difference in their lives.

Far better than false comfort and fairy stories

John Doe

I say something like "that sucks. I hate to hear it. I'm thinking about you." Etc. What can anyone say, regardless of beliefs, that would truly be any comfort anyway?

rebel8

I'm really sorry for your loss.
What can I do that would be of help to you at this time? Can I bring over a hot dish for your dinner, hire someone to take care of the house cleaning, _______________?
This must be so hard for you.
You were a really good son/spouse/friend to him/her. I'm sure that was a source of pleasure/comfort to him/her.
He/she lived a wonderful life. I remember how much he/she enjoyed knitting/traveling/hiking/____________.
He/she was a really good friend/mother/person. I remember the time he/she volunteered at a food bank/___________.
How are you doing? Are you ok?
I've had a few trees planted in his/her memory.

Tuesday

I bring up the great things they've done over their life. I'll tell humorous stories about their past.

If it's a relative I just tell them how much I care for them and how much it's been a pleasure knowing them, sometimes I'll add in things they taught me that have completely changed my life.

That's what would make me feel better when I'm about to go, so I give the same courtesy.

Terry

There is a wonderful scene in the film THE INVENTION OF LYING in which the protagonist (Ricky Gervais) is at his mother's side as she is dying and afraid. What he says brilliantly illustrates the moment where Religion gives comfort. In this instance, the very first time anybody ever made up something wonderful to ease the suffering of one without hope.

Giving people what they need (regardless of the truth) is at the heart of the lie.

I highly reccomend this movie.

Atheist: What words of comfort do you give when you find out someone is terminally ill?

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