Sorry if this is rambling. I just have some thoughts I need to get out.
I've mentioned before my thought about faking my way through the cult, or at least pretending to, would make my life easier. Not that I want too. I've harbored a morbid curiosity with the cult simply because of all the research I've done, and actually going to a meeting or two would be for me like watching a train wreck, or poking a dead body with a stick. I've flirted with the idea of at least pretending to be interested in the cult for the sake of my relationship. If I act glazed eyed and obedient for a couple hours a week, and submit to being patronized for a little while, my life and relationship would be easier. I've been told online AND off by former JWs that it's a bad idea to even go to one meeting even out of curiosity. I'm well aware of the used car saleman, time share representive sales tactics the use, and the love bombing. But sometimes I just feel like giving up the fight with my BF over this. I'm naturally rebellious, strangers make me nervous (I'm a cautious person anymore do to other reasons having nothing to do with my current relationship), and I cannot stand fake people to the point I point out hypocrisy I see (I'm a tad antisocial). These are all things I would either have to hide and/or put up with if I just "Yes Dear"ed it and pretended to act interested in he cult just to make my life easier. It would probably make it harder, though, I understand that. I'm not made to be a cult member. Luckily I think my partner realizes this, and he can see through me anyway. Before I showed up here awhile ago and began lurking everyday, and rarely asking for advice, I had told him, "The only way I would do this is for you." He said the only reason I should do it is for myself and "Jehovah" (which is a name I refuse to say out loud). Thankfully, I started reading first, but the only thing really in the begining that kept me from it was the Trinity, the annointed (YEAH, I'll believe that one!), and the Governing Body, and the revolving doctrines (ok it looked ke shit to me from the very begining in retrospect). Then I really started reading here, and other recovery websites (Damn you stumbling apostates! LOL), and it took me one afternoon to make a decision. Absolutely not, everything I thought was bullshit really is bullshit. So on with my research, which is fascinating stuff. I was really into reading books by former members of the FLDS, so it sort of appealed to me, then I started seeing the paralells between the two cults, and the skeleton structure of what a cult is. It became scary to see how close I was to joining something so similar, and even though I can see it, the fact I still harbor the idea of joining. In one of the FLDS books I read (I think it was Stolen Innocence, I've read a few so I can't remember) that the authors parents started out trying to convince someone else not to convert, only to end up converting themselves. Then I wonder out of pure curiosity, did anybody know of anybody as anti-JW as I developing Stockholm Syndrome?
I'm not going to do this. I'm just hormonal and trying to patch up holes in my relationship, and a majority of our problems are not WTS related, but it doesn't make my life any easier. Thanks for the ear to listen, and I apologize again for the rambling unstructured post!