If still "in", how do you feel when praying in front of a group despite being in doubt of your beliefs?

by Crisis of Conscience 30 Replies latest jw friends

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  Crisis of Conscience

  It happened to me this weekend. I'm curently "active" and had some long time friends from a different congregation over for dinner.

  We went through the formality of praying before the meal. Normally or rather lately I've been passing it off to someone else. But for some reason this time I didn't do it. Instead I went for it and prayed. And for the first time I felt and noticed in myself a complete disconnection. Everything I said I feel just came out because that is what I have been taught or conditioned to say over the years. They had some meaning in the past, I admit, and sometimes strongly. But this time, nothing. And I don't even feel guilty about it.

  I'm actually in shock that I feel like this so quickly. That I have come to this realization. Perhaps the "truth" never did really take root in my heart.

  I guess I can consider that a good thing. But at the same time it makes me wonder how many more times I'm going to be in that situation, especially since I'm not in a position to leave the org right now nor have decided if or how it would happen. And how am I going to handle it?

  So of those here that were/are in that position, how did/do you feel? What thoughts went/go through your head as you spew out random thoughts to appease the believers? Were/are you able to handle it? Or how did/do you handle it?

  Thanks in advance for the responses and feel free to include experiences that others can benefit from.
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  behemot

  I especially remember a prayer I gave at the last memorial I attended ... I was the chairman and gave the initial prayer ... although I managed to fake a "heartfelt" prayer quite well, it felt terrible inside ... then I came to a point I could no longer stand the disconnection and the inconsistency between my true feelings and the facade I was putting on, so a few months later I quit attending altogether.
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  Think About It

  CoC.......that was a great thread title. I haven't prayed since I quit attending 15 yrs ago. Got to be tough for anybody still in with severe doubts. The praying about the GB, F&DS, the Org, etc. always bothered me.

  Think About It
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  70-Years-Of-Servatude

  I'm still semi-active but don't have to worry about praying at the meetings or anywhere else, just at my house. The focus of the prayers have changed. No more Slave this or Spiritual Food that. My kids have even seen the difference and commented positively. My thoughts come more from my heart now and I feel better. COC if your in and going to stay in for a while I guess you'll have to find a way to focus on non-org. subjects in your prayers. If anyone notices they probably will not say anything to you. I'm not ready to cut ties with all the family that I have in the org. either so I feel your pain though I know it's inevitable.

  70
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  blondie

  Being a woman, my opportunities to pray in f ront of a group would be almost nonexistent.
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  Doubting Bro

  For me, I keep it simple and staightforward for any public praying. If praying at the KH, instead of thanking God for the meeting and spiritual food provided by the FDS, I say thanks for a chance to review your Word. I remember I was asked to open the meeting the first meeting after the Haiti earthquake. So instead of praying for just the JWs that were affected by the quake, I prayed for ALL the victims and survivors. No one ever said anything to me about it.

  I do agree that I get much more concerned about what I say in a prayer now. While I'm not 100% sure there's a God that is interested in us, I'm certainly not going to pray for things that I am 100% certain are NOT true such as the WTS being God's organization.

  Honestly, I'm not sure many people are listening to a public prayer unless there's something stressful going on.

  Dinner at my house with other JWs? A quick thanks for the food, thanks for the fellowship and we're done. My pet peeve was always those 10 minute prayers at a "gathering" when the food is getting cold.
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  wannabefree

  I can relate to this CoC. I find myself being careful what I say and how I say it. I notice different ones who pray at the congregation meetings who use the name Jehovah over and over throughout the prayer, yet if I pray to just My Father without using the name Jehovah, I feel awkward. My personal prayers have taken on more meaning, but my public prayers are guarded.
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  tjlibre

  It was a little hard for me at the bigining. Subconsciously, I was still equating God to the “Organization”. I then learned to keep my prayers simple; for example, I don’t thank for the “food provided by the FDS” instead I thank God for allowing us to have his Word for our spiritual edification. Instead of asking for help for the JWs alone, I ask for the end of all the suffering that Humanity is going through, etc…and instead of using the phrase “your organization”, I say “your people”, “your faithful servants”, “those that do your will”, etc.

  Something that’s helping me improve my non-GB/WT “worshiping prayers”, is listening to the sermons/prayers by pastors from other denominations at sermonaudio.com. I’ve learned that there is another dimension to prayers that is more heartfelt, natural, real and meaningful. (I’ve enjoyed listening to some sermons/prayers by John Piper, Paul Washer and Dr. Alan Cairns).
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  fokyc

  In 55 years; I have never been 'good enough' (qualified) to pray in front of anybody!
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  dissed

  Very interesting thread idea........

  I went through the 'motions' for about 9 months with pretend prayers, before leaving formally. They were quick, they were simple, they were to the point. Funny, a newer one approached me, and said him and his wife really liked my prayers and were using me as an example at home.