I was born in 1970 to third generation Jehovah's Witnesses. Like all those born in, I was brought up without hope or guidance for a life in this world. Instead of being taught to be self sufficient and confident, I was trained to obey my parents without question (Ephesians 6:1). I learned early on how to be a good and obedient servant of Jehovah. I was told that Jehovah and his angels were always watching me. If I did anything that was displeasing to Jehovah, it would come to light and could cost me my life.
Our life as a witness family was less than ideal because my parents had major character issues that I now attribute mostly to their being brought up as Jehovah's Witnesses. Both indulged in "secret sins" that burdened our young minds and caused lots of confusion. The peace of my family was disrupted often and there was usually a tense undercurrent in the home. This coupled with the knowledge that Armaggedon was coming any day caused me to be a very stressed-out child. How would we survive? I decided to serve Jehovah with my whole heart and hope that he would hear my supplication and save my family from destruction.
My parents always told us that it was our choice to get baptized. They also made it clear that we could not ride on their coat tails past the age of accountability. So I was baptized at the age of 17. My siblings followed suit at slightly younger ages. Many of the young people in our congregation pioneered after high school. We really had a good time out in the ministry. Driving around in our parents' cars, listening to the music of the 80s was a blast. Life was good. We were young and Jehovah God was on our side. As long as we stayed faithful and made our 1000 hours by the end of the service year, we were shoe ins for the new system.
Shortly after I married and joined my husband in Bethel service, the Society changed their teaching on the generation. As at other times in my young witness life, cognitive dissonance set in and I found myself encouraging a few of the long-time Bethel wives over the change and the sacrifices we had all made. Really, what was there to be discouraged about? I was a newlywed, serving at Bethel, and travelling to exotic places with fellow servants of Jehovah for recreation. I was being blessed by Jehovah.
After a few years of married life, we tired of morning worship, saturday work and the long drives to the territory. Always having to "be on" with a smile was wearing thin as well. We had long ago decided that Bethel was not the spiritual paradise it had been touted as being. We decided to lead a regular witness life and return to the field. After several years of serving in a couple of congregations we began to experience major burnout. We had always been very open with one another about the inconsistencies in our lifestyle.
We surprised ourselves when we began to challenge and examine our long held beliefs with a view to acting on it. We no longer felt righteous or in good standing with Jehovah. We no longer felt we were Christians. What had we done to help others, really? We gave ourselves credit for the experiences we had in the organization and examined them from the perspective of the effect they had on us as individuals. We made a decision that we had sacrificed so much for our Jehovah, our parents and Watchtower. We decided to sacrifice one last time and walked away from it all.
We jumped off the treadmill one warm Sunday afternoon in July and have no regrets about doing so. Yes, we have struggled to maintain our footing at times. We walked away from our faith, family and friends. At times the freedom we have is overwhelming. We had underestimated the effect our decision would have on us. We gave ourselves permission to examine the foundation of our family home and were terrified and disappointed at what we found. Our anger and frustration led us to set a match to the cocoon that had kept us safe from the outside world since our birth. We set it ablaze and watched it burn. And along with that cocoon, we have watched a very real part of ourselves burn to ashes.
You see unlike those who convert to Jehovah's Witnesses, those born in have no past that is free from Watchtower influence. There is no home to go to. No one waiting for our return. We have had to start anew and build our own home from scratch. We have no blueprint to follow and our house is far from complete. And while we are comfortable in our new little hut , it is not as cozy and safe as I'm used to. Sometimes I get very cold and lonely. Sometimes the unfiltered sunlight hurts my eyes.
It is very difficult to look back on all the wasted years and indoctrination. I wish I had given my voice wings when I was younger. It is difficult to see that all of the years I suffered depression and anxiety were not some inherent weakness in myself. But rather was largely the result of being cultivated in an environment that failed to nurture me into a whole human being. The dis-ease I endured in my life stemmed from pretending to do something that brought me a great deal of stress and aggravation on most days. It is both painful and inspiring to finally learn that I had the power all along to survive on my own and thrive in a way that would have brought me happiness in the prime of my life.
This is my story.......so far. Thank you for visiting.
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