Since leaving a few years ago, I have experienced the gamut of emotions, both good and bad. One that seems particularly difficult to manage is the shame and embarrassment I feel for having taking it seriously all my life. Why wasn't I thinking? How come I didn't wake up sooner? How do you handle the burden of regret as well?
Mind you this is not something I struggle with everyday but it is there under the surface. And when it boils to the top I find it hard to shake the feelings.
Can anyone relate? If so, how do you handle the downside of having come to your senses?
Coming back to this.
I was very embarrassed in the beginning. It took a long time for me to tell people that I had been a JW. We believed it because it was drummed into us day in day out over not just days or weeks but months years and decades. The WTS uses a very effective tool to convert people. It starts with basic ideas and tells you that harder things will be discussed later. Bit by bit is sucks people in and before you know it they have you by the short hairs. Those born in didn't have much of a chance to wake up. Many seem to be able to get their brains in gear about the time their hormones check in.
You weren't thinking because you were taught not to think. That is what mind control does. It teaches people not to think for themselves. And then the WTS lays another layer on top of that in stopping people from even thinking about the unmentionables because it was considered doubting God himself. Most JWs just learned to push any questions or doubts into the back of their mind the way they were taught to do.
Regret. That's a biggie. "All those years I could have. . . " We can get so caught up in it. Truth is that we were still learning. And what we learned we can apply to our lives now - well the good things that is. I learned what being controlled was like. And now I try not to control others. I learned that "The Truth" was a lie and now try to be scrupulously honest. I learned public speaking skills (although not good ones) and use that when I can. I learned not to question things so now I question everything until I am satisfied with the answer (as much as is humanly possible).
I wrote a poem a few years ago that has been the basis for how I live today. My father was an extrmely abusive man and this is what I learned from him
I AM
I am my father's daughter
And I am my own creation.
Through the pain he inflicted
I found strength to endure.
Through the anger and fear
I found courage to confront.
Through indifference and neglect
I found inner strength and self-reliance.
Through his constant criticism
I found the desire to learn and rise above.
Through threats of death and hate
I found the ability to survive and thrive.
I am my father's daughter
And I am my own creation .
I think we can all finds ways to learn from the negative experiences and find positive replacements. The negative thoughts and feelings don't have to remain inside of us unchallenged.
Create your own mission statement and slowly replace the old with the new. If we think "How could I have believed it for so long?" try replacing it with "At least I woke up and am not still there!"
