I came across a passage I had written 10 years ago when I was 24, and when I look back many writings were of this nature.
24 year old Louise:
I honestly feel like I just cannot go on any more. I look around my room and that is my life. My 4 dark blue wall in which I spend my days. At 24 years of age I am thunderstruk at how much of nothing I have. I have no family, I have no special person in my life. I have nothing much in the way of material things. I don't even know if I have love. The place I am now is a very sad and lonely place and it's hard coping on your own. My life is a ruin. There is no way of escape! I must admit though, I've never really had a life to talk about, so why am I so upset. It's just hit me, the penny has dropped. I have absolutely no home. I have no home. Nowhere I know that won't go away. No stability. Where would I go? Who would I turn too? It's too taxing to put on that smiley face and laughter when all I want to do is cry and walk around in a daze. It's too much to bare. How can I go on when I thing about going into my grans' room and swallowing her pills or slitting my wrists or getting a gun and shooting myself. That is what I want to do....just end my life. End all the pain, end all the struggling. To end the longing in my heart for normality. Maybe it shouldn't affect me, but it does. How do I turn off my emotions. I don't know, I just can't, I just can't anymore. For the last 24 years I can't remember a time when I was ever truly happy and secure. Maybe I am the one with too many hangups. **end**
Then 10 years later at 34 years of age I can write or just feel this kind of thing blows my mind...
34 year old Louise:
I am Africas' woman. I am the lover of this land. I put him close to my ample bosm in an intimate embrace. Africa feels my heart beat like the drum calling it's dances and he is enticed by it's exotic rhythm. My heartbeat fills his body and he is one with me, he moves with me. I am an African woman, I hold my head up with pride, my mind alert and strong, my neck felxible to change. I breathe in hot african air through my nostrils and it is earthy and good. It provides me with life. I taste it! I hunger for it! Embrace me my Africa, dance with to the rhythm of the life drum, twirling around and stomping my bare fee to the ground, raising the dust. I am an African woman and I am one with my lover. **end**
How life has changed for me. I can see my spiritual path and how it has developed and improved over the years to the place where I am now. Which is a VERY good place.