For JWs Who Now 'Smell The Coffee:' A Survival Mechanism

by Room 215 21 Replies latest jw friends

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  mindmelda

  Tea Drinker, it's interesting that when I was going to ACA meetings (adult children of alcoholics) they describe the sensations and feelings you are reporting as a reaction to mild to severe trauma.

  I could never recommend anyone going to the KH if it was making them feel traumatized. It's like learning your father is a child molestor or a career criminal or your mother is a call girl to find out that the very parental organization that promised to care for you and love you and guide you into paradise is a lying cheating murdering piece of scum.

  No...I couldn't keep going...I would sit there and think about how I was being lied to and literally get sick to my stomach, headachy, and start to get the "shakes" from plain old nervous reaction. It's your body's alarm system telling you to get the hell out of a dangerous place, it doesnt matter that the danger is emotional, it's not any different than feeling threatened physically.

  My dad quit going to the KH years ago because every time he'd get ready to go, he'd have a severe anxiety attack, unable to breathe, stomach cramps, severe headaches and shaking.

  He stays home and "listens" to the meetings on the telephone, his excuse being that he has to stay with my invalid mother.

  But, my brother told me that when the meetings are on, he just sits and plays cards on the computer. He's not really there. I'm beginning to wonder if my dad isn't a "fader" too, just a much more sneaky one that I am...I know that he quit going to meetings almost entirely after he was asked to step down as an elder...he was treated very cruelly by the other elders and I don't think he's ever really gotten over it, although of course, as usual with them, he was made to feel guilty as the victim of their cruelty...it can never been the Society's fault or that the body or elders ever did anything wrong to YOU!

  But, he never does what my mother does..."encourage" (JW code word for "make you feel horribly guilty") me to go to the meetings. I don't think he has the heart to "encourage" me about something that he also can't really do anymore.
• 

  Witness 007

  Yeah I have to do that.....not comfortable with it but for family we do it. I need to walk amongst the zombies now and again.
• 

  minimus

  You might "survive" but you're experiencing a "slow death".
• 

  WTWizard

  This is what happens when you merely cut down:

  They will start asking why you are missing the boasting sessions. If you have a good excuse, it might work for a while. But, pretty soon Brother Hounder is going to start doing a little snooping around to make sure you really have that excuse. You will start getting hounding calls, because you are missing too many boasting sessions. Should you refuse to start going to more (that is, all) the boasting sessions, they could decide that you are defying the authority of the hounders (and, hence, loose conduct).

  And there is field circus. You start putting slips in with only 1 or 2 hours of field circus. They are now going to start hounding you to get it back up to the level you were at previously (and, from there, higher). At least, the good news is that you can turn in a fake time slip with fake placements (you take those rags home and place them with your shredder).

  Cutting back your activity really only works well if you can move to another congregation on an unofficial basis. Never officially transfer (or the hounders in the new congregation will start hounding you to do more). Instead, start alternating attendance between the two congregations, preferably in a pattern that they cannot readily predict what's next. At this point, you start missing boasting sessions. Each side will think it's the other's job to hound you or that you went to the other side, and you are likely to get away with it.

  After a while, you start only going to the boasting sessions you feel like attending. It is getting more and more difficult to give comments that will make people think--I am seeing the trend toward only allowing comments in the exact words of the paragraph. If it comes to that, just give a rare comment (and bite the bullet) from time to time, to make the hounders think you are still doing well. Of course, if you absolutely have to go to boasting sessions, you might be well to post your observations here. It will give you the chance to show how you really feel about the paragraph, and it will allow you to defuse the spiritual monosodium glutamate you are going to receive at the boasting sessions.
• 

  LongHairGal

  Room 215,

  You just described how I behaved the several years before I started my 'fade' the end of 2000. It was easy for me because I was on the fringes the whole time I was in the religion because I work full time. I was viewed by certain people as somebody who 'wouldn't get with the program'. The reason I 'didn't get with the program' was because I didn't buy it all and I HAD to work. So, I wasn't missed as much as somebody who was a pioneer or in the thick of things. A person like this who wanted to 'fade' would have to invent a reason they have to be away, such as faking an illness and then take it from there.

  Tea Drinker,

  I agree with you that I could not sit there because I am outspoken and my tolerance for B.S. is at zero. I only attended the memorial for the whole year so I guess I am almost fully inactive instead of just being a 'fader'. I was almost going to attend a special talk in April of this year but decided not to because I suspected that certain busybodies would try to corner me. I was in no mood for it. It is one thing running into these people in the supermarket but another thing entirely when they come up to YOU in the hall.

  Mindmelda,

  Very interesting about your Dad. Yes, he sounds like a fader to me. But he definitely can keep them off his back because he has a visible excuse such as taking care of your Mom. He is probably nursing hurt feelings that won't go away and he might see many things wrong with the religion but something in him cannot or will not voice his doubts to you IMO.
• 

  Terry

  About twelve years ago I was going through a bad patch. I was down. Depressed.

  I called the local Kingdom Hall and asked to speak to an Elder.

  I thought maybe if he sat down with me and we could talk things out my memories of how close-minded the religion was

  could be updated to a less reactionary one.

  Let me tell you something. The brother at the Kingdom Hall was as nice as he could be. But, every cliche' in the book came my way and

  I got sick to my stomach. He was mouthing his beliefs and it was coming back to me how full of shit it all was.

  I begged off and hung up.

  Whew.

  Glad that is over.
• 

  I quit!

  That might work as a short term strategy while you figure out what you want to do Room215 but in the long term do you really want to go through life in that way? Living that kind of life isn't good for your mental health.
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  I quit!

  I had a similar experience to Terry's when I was a witness. I was depressed so I wasn't going out in service and was missing meetings. I went and saw and elder who told me what I needed to do was read more of the societies publications and go out in service. Fortunately I figured out that those were the things that were causing the depression. Once the spell was broken I had no choice but to leave.
• 

  Robert7

  Switching congregations may help. For me it worked out unintentionally. I was having doubts and when I switched I never signed up for the school, and basically set a low bar for meeting attendance, since I was irregular. Therefore no one really bothered me about my attendance, and this really helped my fade.
• 

  undercover

  ...pragmatic approach, akin to, but less radical than "fading": just slip out to the periphery, treat the KH as one would a church, i. e. show up once in a while, make the occasional comment...

  The only problem is that the KH is not just any church. You can show up at most churches once in a blue moon and the preacher will still greet you, shake your hand, take your donation and not judge you. In the JWs, life at the KH is all there is. By missing meetings or service, you keep yourself on elders' radars, inviting them to pull you aside and wanting to "help" or counsel you. You're not quite trusted by most of the rank and file. Because you are neither warm nor cold, they'll spit you out.

  Actually, you'd be surprised how many people really won't miss you once you quit for good. It is tougher if you have a lot of JW family that keep harrassing you but as for the so-called "friends" at the hall...once you miss so many meetings, they'll pretty much forget about you. Even people who you thought were pretty close to will disappear.

  But in the end as LWT put it...each person has to do what's right for them. There is no sure fire way to go about quiting, leaving, fading. Ask ten people how to fade and you'll probably get 16 answers...cause some of us will give you more than one option.