by jgnat 33 Replies latest jw friends
I've always enjoyed solitude - it's how I regroup and regain my bearings.
I've experienced loneliness in a stadium full of people.
I've experienced loneliness while weeping alone in my closet, feeling that I couldn't vocalize my doubts about the JWs to anyone.
The worst kind of loneliness, imo, occurs when you feel that you cannot unburden yourself of a problem that is weighing heavily on you.
I too was lonely after I walked away about 8 years ago. I left a sister & nephew behind in the borg. The very ones that brought me into it. But it didn't take too long to realize that I missed them more than they missed me! Yes.... I soon thought wow.... none of those people even call or stop by.... and then I remembered.... aaaahhhh agapy is it? The love you show for someone who is IN the borg BECAUSE they are IN the BORG! It doesn't matter if they are a wife beater, thief, or molester..... but for the fact that they are IN the borg.... then you shall love them. Well, I am neither of those things... actually, I am quite nice & was very generous to people in the congregation when I could be. I helped out single sisters, bought meals, had the teens over, went skating with them etc.... but NOW all of a sudden they don't call or stop by! Hmmmmm I thought.... and then I started to reach out to the very people that I shunned for all of the years I was in the borg... I helped neighbors, family, old friends.... got to know them and guess what? THEY are my TRUE FRIENDS! It takes awhile to feel that you can get close to people outside of the borg, but trust me... once you get over that hump.... the SKY'S the limit! soooo GO MAKE FRIENDS! AND SMILE!
I was much lonelier as a JW than I am since leaving. Strangely, I was almost always surrounded by people and socializing as a JW but didn't feel connected on some level. I've spent time crying alone in that same closet as Scully.
Now, I spend much of my time alone, but I don't feel lonely and I do feel more connected to my heritage, my family, (whom I rarely see as they are JW's), my new friends of only a few years and the world as a whole. I even feel more of a connection with my cat. I feel a part of the cycle of birth and life and death, no more or less important than any other living thing who is also a part of it.
Loneliness is a state of mind, IMO. It is the story that we tell ourselves about being alone. On some level we often think that we should always be surrounded by loved ones, laughing and being happy, like on television. We don't see that loneliness is not a permanent state, it is just passing weather like any human emotion.
Also, in our culture, we don't have the respect and appreciation for quiet and solitude that some other cultures have. We see loners as weird and suspect. I think it is the mind attitude that needs to change not the physical state.
Cog
Good to see you jgnat. Have you ever seen a film called About Schmidt? That's a bleak American movie about loneliness and resulting anomie. It's a warning against leading a life that alienates oneself.
Interesting thread....I definitely experienced it in my last years in the Borg...ending my marriage made me someone to be avoided....and as others have said after leaving and being shunned and losing everyone in my life after 30 years it was lonely and difficult starting again to build a new one...it gets better though...gradually
Loz x
How I envy those who can find friends easy. It's a funny situation really - there's a big corporation built around finding a mate, if you are so inclined you can probably hook up with someone of opposite sex (or even of same sex if you're into that) by the weekend party. But there's no easy way of finding friends (except joining a cult ). This is general for everyone, and us being taught that everything "in the world" is dirty is making that a lot more difficult.
I'm currently actively searching for opportunities for varied get-togethers, even went so far that I joined my company's football team, even though I can't even start to describe how bad I play. It's still an opportunity to be with others. You have to start somewhere... hopefully it will be easier in time. The indoctrination isolated me from others for years, I prefered to avoid social contact with "worldlies"; now my aquaintances see me as antisocial - I probably became a bit antisocial too meanwhile, but I'm working on that now.
hi jgnat - great topic and I particularly agree with this
| Loneliness is a taste of death. -from the excerpt by Jean Vanier (Becoming Human, p. 33 |
some have committed suicide after being disfellowshipped. imo disfellowshipping as practiced by Jehovahs witnesses is barbaric. And what the excerpt says about lonliness is very much like how it for those who have been cut off from their families and friends not just spiritually but socially as well. The WTS urgently needs to look into how extreme their view is.
But regarding loneliness itself (despite being a taste of death) - it is possible to see how it can help a person actualise themselves: to be to the fullest extent possible. This would seem to open up whatever we would like to see opened up and to work towards that goal. Others may share our vision (finally free). My advice- keep on looking, keep on reading, keep on seeking. Goal and vision may change and develop in many ways but this is part of living
How nicely this thread has evolved in my absence. Great thoughts, everyone. Other than our adorable extrovert, it seems most of you had to first work through your anti-world programming and then slowly build new friendships. Bravo to you all. I have a few specific comments.
Finally-free – It sounds like you might be an introvert, like me. I fool many because I do spend so much time with people and socializing. But at the end of the day, I need my alone time. I regenerate alone. I relax alone. But this is not loneliness if I choose to.
Void - I respectfully suggest that any animal that socializes for general protection (keep from getting eaten) is distressed when separated from the group. This would include all herd animals and simians. I think loneliness is hard-wired in to our makeup, rather than an abstraction. This is the primal urge that sends the bleating lamb back to it's mother.
Scully – “I've experienced loneliness in a stadium full of people.” Oh, yes, I’ve felt that wrenching pain. Especially when walking in for the first time and wondering if there is anyone I could connect with.
When sensing the isolation of belief as you describe in your closet (does anyone understand me?) I react in anger. I write. I roar silently.
Cognizant Dissident – I would agree that loneliness is a state of mind as far as it is a choice. The author I quoted holds special meaning for me because he founded a society to integrate the mentally handicapped. The rejection that this group feels is intense and real. His homes, L’Arche, invite able minded people to live and eat in the homes with these most special people in our society.
Slimboyfat – I haven’t seen Schmidt. A modern take might be Up in the Air, much less bleak (I am betting) and starring George Clooney. A girl's gotta love that.
My Dad is still in and is very lonely. He doesn't understand what they are saying at the meetings anymore and he is questioning why he is attending them. What do you think this means?
Nothing can replace family. He misses his son and grandkids. While he pioneered, he basically had very little to do with family. He alienated my bro and his kids, and now he has to live with that. He misses his family members and close friends who have passed away. Getting old really sucks as a JW because you have to come to terms with the fact that Armageddon hasn't arrived yet and now you're probably going to die before it does. This leaves you with a lot of unanswered questions.
I am not sure how far I should go with information for him at this point. I really think he needs to see a counselor.
I'm sorry...I didn't meant to HIJACK your thread!!! I guess I just got off track in my post...no offense meant to ANYONE. I mean, the lonliest I felt was AFTER being DF'd - and that was solely because all the JWs i thought were friends - couldn't/wouldn't talk to me anymore or even want to be around me at all. It really messed with my head.
DFing comes down to nothing more then abuse...emotional blackmail. IT's cruel, and it boils down to playing GAMES with peoples lives/emotions - and NO God I believe in would approve of that.
