don't marry him. see where this leads to first
I didn't know what a JW was, until I fell for one
by headoverheels 40 Replies latest social relationships
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notverylikely
You're about half a step from "he only beats me cause he loves me!"
GTFO.
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carla
If he is saying you 'provoke' his bad behavior it is a sign of an abuser whether he is a jw or not. My personal advice for you would be to run, there are plenty of fish in the sea! Why do you think so little of yourself that you put up with him?
If he has not left the jw's mentally are you prepared for him to go back? That means you (if he stays with you evil worldly person) will always be second to the organization, you will be considered worthy of death at the big A, the org. controls what he can read, watch and all entertainment, the org controls what goes on in your bedroom, the org controls if he lives or dies for lack of blood, his jw family will in all likelyhood dislike you unless you become one of them, the org will control most of his freetime with meetings and field service, the org will control what he wears, the length of his hair, facial hair, no holidays, no parades, festivals are full of worldly evil people too, concerts? not likely, games with the kids? first find one that the org approves of (few and far between), like to hold hands while walking not caring if it is in public? not anymore, you wouldn't want to stumble somebody, etc...etc...etc... get the picture?
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mentallyfree31
Let me mention that you definitely can't blame this behavior ONLY on the process of leaving this cult. Sure, leaving a cult is very difficult. Lots of emotions come out, and everybody reacts differently. Anger, guilt, depression, sadness, happiness, insomnia - all of these are common.
However, as for myself and many others that I know that have left, we never treated our wives/girlfriends in this way. It's one thing to be stressed/confused/etc, but that's pretty agressive when you say things like that.
Just my opinion. I wish you the best.
-mentallyfree31-
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not a captive
It's 100%. Get away now.
Leave.
All of us either know someone who through it or went through it ourselves.
Even if you love him.
He will never be happy and he'll always blame you.
Absolutely miserable.
Maeve
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mrsjones5
Warning Signs of Abuse
The following questions ask you about your relationship. If you are not currently in a relationship, these are signs or "red flags" to assist people in identifying a potentially abusive person.
- Do you feel nervous around your partner?
- Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid their anger?
- Do you feel pressured by your partner when it comes to sex?
- Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner?
- Does your partner criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
- Are they always checking up on you or questioning you about what you do without your partner?
- Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?
- Does your partner tell you that if you changed they wouldn't abuse you?
- Does your partner's jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
- Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy or inadequate?
- Have they ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
- Does your partner prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
- Are you expected to do things to please your partner, rather than to please yourself?
- Do you feel that, with your partner, nothing you ever do is good enough?
- Does your partner say that they will kill or hurt you or themselves if you break up with them?
- Does your partner make excuses for behavior, for example, by saying it's because of alcohol or drugs, or because they can't control their temper, or that they were "just joking"?
You do not deserve to be abused. Create a safety plan or call someone to talk about your relationship. You may also want to contact the police or a local domestic violence center or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE.
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headoverheels
I appreciate each of your time and input. Interesting, the consensus here is to leave. I suppose I rejected such an obvious response because I want to love and care for him, taking into account that his family turned their back on him (all his family mom, dad, sis, ect are JWs and refuse to speak to him) and well I was taking a stab at unconditional love. He has so many fantastic qualities (many of which I suppose were instilled by the very JW org) that I hate for him to be summed up in a couple less than favorable moments.
Any response to my original 3 questions would be greatly appreciated as I contemplate the above mentioned: 1) how common are these behaviors among JW men 2) Are they likely to pass and 3) is there anything I can do to nurture his growth and transistion besides just leave him?
As for "Why do I think so little of yourself that you put up with him?" Geez, well that's an assumption and a judgement. Nevertheless, I hear you on the org life, if he was to return, which I really think is beyond him. I'd become a JW, before he would again.
Which brings me to another question, Being judgmental, I feel he seethes with this and although tries to suppresses it, sees the flaws before the beauty, if you know what I mean. Is this common among JWs; fleeting once out of org?
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mrsjones5
My father is a jw. I have uncles and cousins who are jws and from what I know of them they do not curse at their wives, sisters, aunts, or any female of the family. The behavior of your loving boyfriend is not a singular trait of jw men. It is a trait of potential abusive men who happen to be of whatever religion persuasion you choose.
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John Doe
Here's my advice. Give him a link to this thread. Is there a chance he's a poster here?
Also, I'm not going to tell you to leave him. That's your decision and yours alone. I might remind you that, according to your words, you "fell" for him, so thinking about what's best for the situation will be difficult to put in an objective light.
Abusers all have a common theme of failing to take responsibility for their actions. Blaiming you for his poor behavior is a very bad sign. Compounding this is the fact that you obviously care about him and you are trying to help. He has no business blaiming you for anything.
Even the most worthless cull ever born will have some good quality. Humans are not of a pure nature. However, ask yourself if you're better off together, or apart. Hear your heart, but remember to use your head.
And that, that's all I got to say 'bout that.
