A terrible situation, I need all the help I can get

by lola28 34 Replies latest jw friends

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  lola28

  I don’t know if I’ve posted this before but here it goes. My sisters step dad has a nice who we’ll call Roxy for now, I’ve known this kid since she was two and she and my sister grew up together. Roxy’s mom is a walking disaster; she has five kids all by different fathers (has had at least two abortions), has never worked a day in her life and I’m pretty sure she does drugs, and probably sells them too, however I can’t prove it. She has never been what one would call a good mother; she has a vicious temper and has on several occasions been reported to social services for child abuse (at least three times by me, several by my mother and step dad and some by school officials).Nothing has ever come from reporting her, the most she’s had to do is go to parenting classes.

  Roxy started getting into trouble when she was 11, she started shoplifting, getting into fights and refusing to go to school. We saw how bad things were getting and managed to get her mom to let us look after her, she moved into our house and my mom enrolled her at my sisters school and for a long time she seemed to have settled down, she was going to school every day, was not fighting and as far as we know was not she was not shoplifting. Well one day her mom calls my mother and says she’s moving in with her new boyfriend and would be having Roxy move back home, we all thought it was a terrible idea but she went behind my moms back and signed Roxy out of school and then failed to enroll her at any other school but she moved so often during that year that I think no one caught the fact that she and her sisters were not in school.

  My sister pulled me aside one day and told me she was concerned about Roxy and thought that maybe she was in a gang and having sex with more than one partner (she was 13 at the time), we sat down with Roxy and explained all the things that could happen if she kept up doing the things she was doing everything from getting STD’s to getting knocked up, she just got up from the couch and said “it’s my body and I’ll do what I want to”. Fast-forward a few months later and she calls my mom to tell her that she’s pregnant, I think we all cried, how was she at 13 going to care for a baby? She had the baby Dec of 2008, and we fell in love with Nate. In July of last year she was giving the baby a bath and did not check the water before putting him in, she ended up burning his legs and he ended up in the hospital for two weeks. Due to that we managed to get physical custody of him while social workers determined whether they would give her back the baby. In August she called my mother and told her she was pregnant again, we tried to talk her into giving the second baby up for adoption or letting us care for it but she refused, she wanted her babies to be with her.

  The courts returned Nate to her and in March she had her second baby. Yesterday I went home and found my mom shaking, apparently Roxy is pregnant again, that’s right folks at the age of 15 this girl will have three babies under the age of three. I called social services and told them that clearly she’s having sex with her boyfriend who is over 18 and they said that there was nothing they could do, you have to be able to prove that her mom is allowing her to have sex with him in order for it to be considered abuse.

  I don’t know what to do. I know that this girl can not take care of herself let alone three babies, we normally have the babies three or four days a week (she’ll drop them off and then leave), she often calls my mom to say she has no money, no food for Nate (he’s eating solid food now) and no money to do laundry and yet she’s allowed to keep these kids!

  I really need your help guys, what would you do in this situation? Any suggestions would be much welcomed!

  Lola
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  snowbird

  You have my deepest sympathy, but there's very little you or anyone else can do in a situation like that.

  I would exhort Roxy to abandon her lifestyle, do what I can for the kids, and hope for the best.

  That's about all you can do.

  Syl
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  saywhat29

  Is it too late for an abortion? If she is willing to do it? I don't know how the 15 year old feels about that or how you all do, but in that situation, I have no idea. I think your family has to stop protecting her because she obviously isn't feeling the brunt of being a single mother if she can just drop those kids off any time at your home where she knows they will be cared for and protected.

  You may love this girl, but I believe she is taking advantage out of all of you and she's had a great teacher to show her how. Her mother allowed someone else to raise her child and when she wanted her back, just took her like it was nothing, not caring about her well-being, not caring about anything else, just her own needs. And if you look at the actions of 'Roxy' they are kinda similar are they not?

  You have to break ties with this family. Its' hard and its even harder when you're attached to this child the way you are. Because the only other option you have is to take her to court and fight for custody and that is an uphill battle right there against the rights of a natural mother-- and you're going to pay the cost of it too. But if you're amily is too attached to 'nate' then I would consider it; just realized its Nate and now 2 other children.

  But one thing your family has to do is stop allowing Roxy to control your lives like this. I wouldn't return her phone calls, I wouldn't help her out at all until she did exactly what you wanted if she is getting money from you; mainly get on friggin' birth control and get an education or attend a trade school. She's using these kids as anchors- you can't say no to her even though you want to becaause of the kids... and she knows this. She doesn't call her mother and ask for that crap nor her siblings. She calls you all. Well, if you consider her family then its time miss thing has an intervention. You need to stay firm and let her know whats up or else you will be stuck in this cycle over and over again.
• 

  Justitia Themis

  we normally have the babies three or four days a week (she’ll drop them off and then leave), she often calls my mom to say she has no money, no food for Nate (he’s eating solid food now) and no money to do laundry and yet she’s allowed to keep these kids!

  This is going to sound incredibly callous, and I apologize in advance...but your family must stop enabling her. Quit giving her money or taking care of her kids for her. Allow her to sink, and when she does, perhaps you can gain custody of the children.
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  snowbird

  I wouldn't give Miss Roxy any money; I would buy whatever the kids need and see to it that they get them.

  Here's hoping she will straighten up after the third child.

  Syl
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  purplesofa

  Isn't her boyfriend that is over 18 committing a crime as she is a minor?

  Sadly, it there seems to need to be allot of abuse before children are taken away from a mother,

  look at how many cases happen and nothing gets done until it's too late.

  purps
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  lola28

  Oh it took a while but my mother finally figured out that giving her cash is a bad idea, if the babies need something we go out and buy it and drop it off.
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  snowbird

  It's apparent that Roxy has never known what parenting means.

  She and the babies are going to need a lot of attention.

  Syl
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  lola28

  Purps,

  I thought it was a crime but not according to CPS, you actually have to prove they are having sex and in order for it to be child abuse you have to prove that her mother is aware of her having sex and allowing it to happen, I guess three babies are not proof enough.
• 

  AGuest

  Dearest Lola... may you have peace!

  Someone sent me this and after reading this I would like to respond, if I may. I think your answer lies here:

  "she moved into our house and my mom enrolled her at my sisters school and for a long time she seemed to have settled down, she was going to school every day, was not fighting and as far as we know was not she was not shoplifting. Well one day her mom calls my mother and says she's moving in with her new boyfriend and would be having Roxy move back home, we all thought it was a terrible idea but she went behind my moms back and signed Roxy out of school and then failed to enroll her at any other school but she moved so often during that year that I think no one caught the fact that she and her sisters were not in school."

  I may be wrong (I seriously doubt it), but I think your Roxy has been molested (if not full out raped)... more than once, probably by more than one man... and probably starting at a very young age (by one of her momma's baby's daddies, maybe?). Which is why she insists that its HER body, with which she can do what she wants.

  And she is RIGHT, if not misguided. I am willing to bet, though, that "someone" tried to teach her different and she didn't really accept that and what you have seen over the past few years is her form of rebellion. She no longer considers her body sacred because no one ever (1) told her it was, or (2) treated her like it was. Unfortunately, she has gone the other route, too, which is rebellion against ALL authority and "looking for love," obviously in all the wrong places. She is trying to "make" people who will love her for her (they have to - they're her children - or so the illusion goes)... in spite of everything she has seen, done, undergone, been exposed to, knows, etc.

  Want to help Roxy, really... and her children? Then start by telling her that what happened to her (whatever it was - she was and is a CHILD) was NOT HER FAULT (whether it was actually molestation or some other form of child abuse), that she is NOT worthless, that she has VALUE simply because she is a HUMAN BEING and certainly because she is "family"... that YOU believe that and OTHERS believe that... and that when SHE sees that... others will see it and stop taking advantage of her (which is what is being done by these "men" - she's only 15, for God's sake - what really does she know?)... or she will learn to stop LETTING them take such advantage.

  And tell her that while having children may create the "illusion" of a "family" that loves her... for her... "regardless" of what's happened to her, where she's been, what she's done, who with and whom to, etc., it's also going to come with a lot of other pain, labor, and heartach that she has no idea about... and most probably will not be able to handle.

  The "great disaster" here isn't Roxy's children - it's Roxy. And those who believe she should just be dropped because caring for her is enabling her are forgetting one thing: sex and children aside, SHE is a child and deserved way better than what she's received from life (i.e., her mom, dad?, others, etc.), thus far. She drops the kids off and disappears - should anything more really be expected of a 15-year-old mother? Where is the outcry for the MEN who molested this child and helped MAKE these babies?????

  Roxy is someone who someone needs to show a little sincere love... and a little less judgment... to, dear Lola, hard as that may be and hard-headed as she may be. Considering that her mom is "a walking disaster," where in the WORLD would we expect this child to learn HOW to BE a young woman? Who was her example??? If we think it is/was the "other" women in her life, we're truly kidding ourselves: children look to their very own parents FIRST for example, regardless of what KIND of parent such one(s) may be... and regardless of whether such ones are even present in the child's life. Children imitate... and rebel against... what they know (or think they know)... both sometimes to great detriment. Especially if they're not properly... and lovingly... guided.

  May it be JAH's will that someone who can and is willing to try to make a difference will see that and help her. She needs a TRUE mom/dad... if not a true mentor. She's 15. She's a mother. She needs a stable home, not a send-off, and now guidance on how to BE a mother. I understand if no one can step up, given that it's her, two kids, and one on the way. But NO WAY is she "beyond" help, yet, if someone does.

  The answer to your question "what to do" is there, dear Lola, if you really want to hear it. All you have to do is... listen and obey.

  I bid you peace... and strength... and also that the Most Holy One of Israel, JAH of Armies, may grant you... and Roxy... WISDOM, PATIENCE, and resources... to help you deal with and overcome this... of you wish it... by means of His Son and Christ, the Holy One of Israel and Holy Spirit, my Lord, JAHESHUA MISCHAJAH.

  A slave of Christ,

  SA