Ever since I was a kid, I felt so lucky - SO lucky (I know, I know) that out of all the religions in the world, I happened to be born into a family that practiced the one true religion in all the universe. It seemed much to good to be true, but I always thought it was such a happy coincidence. My immediate family and grandparents were Jehovah's Witnesses.
Since Jehovah was very real to me, I was a perfectionist in trying to do everything I was expected to do. The schedule wore me out of course, or a slip up would occur and I'd find myself in trouble with a guy and would sit myself down with the elders in short order, intent on making things right. Instead of growing up as a hopeful young person, I became jaded by the pair of disfellowshippings I received before age 18. My track record kept me paralyzed, and afraid to make more mistakes, so I became inactive. I didn't want to be on a never-ending disfellowshipped/reinstated carousel for years on end. Years later, I gave it one last good shot as a Witness, but it didn't last. The feeling that I didn't belong in with all of these righteous people never went away. They were lifers who never shared my talent for ending up in front of judicial committees. Slowly, I realized that I was beginning to show up at meetings because people expected to see me there, and not out of love for Jehovah. I became consumed with the idea of sincere worship. I became extremely dissatisfied with my own "service to Jehovah" and decided that Jehovah deserved more than I was giving. Why continue? I then started to think about how often the new system, the reward, are stressed at meetings and in publications (at the end of every Watchtower lesson and talk). Have you ever thought about how extremely distracting from SINCERE worship it is to continually hear the "hook" about the new system? There is no need to keep throwing out "remember this reward you'll get if you do this!" at every meeting, assembly, convention, publication and presentation at the door. As I faded away, I would tell any of my friends and family who inquired that I would not engage in a charade that Jehovah would see through anyway. I told them that I refused to make Jehovah a joke and I also refused to jerk my friends and family around any longer. I actually may have stumbled onto the one reason for leaving that can be freely discussed without fear of being disfellowshipped or being slapped with charges of apostasy. I guess you could say that I left because I took what the Society said VERY seriously. I took their words and the Bible's words so literally that I reasoned myself out of being a Witness. Since I have been away, I have slowly done little bits of research on the organization and have been appalled by what I've found. It was extremely difficult to de-tangle my psyche from Jehovah's Witnesses and the society, but I did it with the help of sites like this and my own (other) research. I'm happy to say that my family has lapsed for their own individual reasons, and the chances of them returning are extremely unlikely. We all feel, however reluctantly, like a blindfold has been lifted. I say 'reluctantly' because the de-tox was almost unbearable. You feel like you're in The Truman Show, or Pleasantville. All I can be sure of now is that I can't be sure of anything. I don't know what to believe, and when I see anyone, be they a Witness, a clergyman, or a poster on an "apostate" website interpreting a scripture for me, I will probably always be wise to take it as a red flag. If I am done listening to an elder give a talk and draw conclusions for me, I am done raising ANY person into that seat again-- I know they cannot possibly fill it. Thanks for reading! Happy to answer questions...