Most people think we didn't evolve from monkeys. Even evolutionists will preach that. But are you really sure? I think some people did, or they wouldn't be so obsessed with monkeys. So I found this site inspired by a monkey on his day off, who I think, secretly, is jealous of those of us who did not evolve from monkeys. I agree with this writer. Pay attention to what he says (below the monkey, in red).
So I decided to adopt a monkey. Just to use it to make fun of those of my friends who I think did evolve from monkeys, just to taunt them.
Here goes:
If I had a monkey, it would not be like the kind in the above picture as this monkey is white and has some kind of fruit smeared all over its face. I would want a clean monkey.
Obviously having your own monkey would be fantastic for a whole host of reasons and as they are quite intelligent, yet unable to speak, they learn quickly through beatings while being unable to tell anyone about the beatings.
This list, featuring the kind of monkeys that would be good to have, is far from complete as it omits Jetski monkey, Boiling water monkey and Battlestar Galactica Monkey but covers the basic best kinds of monkeys.
Disguised Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would borrow my mums sewing machine and make my monkey a little monkey suit. Then if anyone said "Thats not a real monkey, it's just a monkey suit, I can see the zipper", I could say "I bet you fifty dollars it is a real monkey" and when they said "that seems like a reasonable bet, you are on", my monkey would take off the monkey suit and they would have to pay me fifty dollars. I would buy drugs with the fifty dollars. For the monkey. So he wouldn't mind spending his life in a monkey suit.
Gambling Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach him to count cards like Dustin Hoffman in the movie Rainman and sneak my monkey into the casino. If anyone said "Hey a monkey, who's monkey is that?" I would say "It's not my monkey".
Singing Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach it to sing Kylie Minogue songs. Then if Kylie passed out on stage again I would be able to save the day by having my monkey finish the concert for her. The concert promotors would probably give me free tickets and promotional gifts. Kylie would be so thankful that she might send me an autographed photo and I could sell it on ebay for fifty dollars. I would buy drugs with the fifty dollars. Not for the monkey, for me.
Paddling Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach it how to use a paddle. The next time I went kayaking I would be able to relax and enjoy the scenery while my monkey navigated the river. Also, the last time I went kayaking I was listening to my ipod and I fell asleep and got sunburnt and the current took me way up the river before I awoke when the kayak hit a tree branch and I had to paddle all the way back. Having a paddling monkey would prevent this ever happening again so really it is a water-safety issue and should be encouraged.
Channel Changing Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach it how to use all the entertainment equipment. I would save money on batteries for the remote controls by having my monkey change channels for me. With the money I saved on batteries I would buy drugs. I would share the drugs with the monkey while we watched Black Books and Stephen Chow movies together.
Hairdressing Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach him how to do my hair - using the appropriate amount of product. I would then set the alarm for him to get up half an hour before I do and do my hair while I am still asleep. This would either give me more time in the morning or allow me to spend more time sleeping. I would just waste the extra half hour anyway so probably better to sleep but as I usually don't rock up to work till ten thirty or so, I could try leaving earlier. This would give me more time to write about what I would do if I had a monkey.
Surveilance Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would teach it to track down people who annoy me by using their profile photo and google maps. Using earpieces to communicate, I would have my monkey conceal himself behind the person typing on facesook® and when that person wrote something stupid I would have my monkey run up and slap them on the back of the head really hard then make a quick escape. Having several monkeys would be more convenient but I don't have time to train seven monkeys, what with having to do my own hair in the mornings.
5 Fun Things to do with a Monkey
1. Constructing and flying box kites
2. eyetoy
3. Running down sand dunes
4. Playing Connect 4
5. Dressups
Web Monkey
If I had a monkey, I would name it Brendon. I would shave the monkey and buy a yellow shirt for it and teach it to write inane posts on the Australian wall. Occasionally I would burn the monkey with a cigarette lighter but not to cause enough damage to detract it from it's primary goal; impersonating a retard.
Plus, I could be a monkey's uncle!
HAPPY MONKEY DAY!
Randy
