Hi, all,
NeonMadman posted an intriguing question in his thread "The Baby and the Bath Water" concerning the paths that we took when we left the Society in order to get to where we are now. Unfortunately, much of that thread was highjacked into something irrelevant to the topic, but I wanted to respond and posted part of an answer on the thread.
This is another part of that answer. I wrote this some time ago and sent it to a sister who was sticking her neck out trying to get me to come back in. She figured that I was mad and resentful, etc., and that was the furthest thing from the truth. My spirits were bouyant, and this is the story of how they became that way.
It's a record of my mental state and thinking during all of that time.
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To be disfellowshipped is an intensely fascinating experience. You come flying out the door, land in a cloud of dust and slide along on one ear, finally coming to a screeching halt.
You lay there a few seconds, savoring the blessed silence after all of the crashing and roaring and tinkling of broken glass subsides and finally a thought forces itself into your brain: “Wal, I’m alive. I think.” So you sit up and take stock of yourself. “Nope. No broken bones. My innards feel like they are still there, too.” So you start beating the dust off your clothes and straighten your tie and fix yourself up the best you can.
About now you glance up and lo and behold, who should you see but old Satan himself just sitting there on a fence rail not very far away. Now, he’s not moving. He is just sitting there with a grin on his face and slowly rubbing his hands together. His whole attitude seems to be “What’s the hurry. Let’s savor the moment.”
Let me tell you something. It is moments like this that separate the men from the boys. Who among us have not worried about how our hearts would respond in such a circumstance?
To my surprise, I felt no dismay nor fear at all. Instead, there was a fierce eagerness and even a joy in finding myself here, the strength of which was rather disconcerting at first, but not for long. Here, finally, was the Original Bastard (speaking accurately) who had thrown it into Jehovah’s face that there was no one among humankind who would be willing to serve him, no strings attached. (Job the first chapter.) After nearly fifty years of preparing myself for whatever tests might be coming, here he was and it was one on one. I loved it. My prime reaction was “Come on, sucker! Let’s see what you’ve got!”
Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Don’t feel bad, it did to me too. That’s why I said that it was disconcerting. I may be a nut in many ways, but I do positively know that I am neither masochistic nor suicidal. What was it, then? There was one thing I did know: whatever it was, it was rooted deeply in my heart, and it was far more than mere bravado.
Paramount in my mind were these questions: What is going on here? Why am I not feeling afraid? And what am I supposed to do now? As I took stock of myself, some of this became apparent immediately.
It took no particular insight to realize that I was alone. Of course, being a loner, that didn’t bother me at all. To a certain extent, I found it amusing. Do you punish a loner by giving him that for which he yearns, namely, solitude?
Upon further reflection, I realized that according to all conventional wisdom, now that I was ‘free’ from the congregation’s oversight I could not possibly stand on my own. Everyone (including Satan and the demons) fully expected me to either go off the deep end or run frantically back into the arms of the congregation. I didn’t like either one of those choices. Why should I wish to reward Satan for his treachery by knuckling under to his will? And why on earth should I scuttle behind the congregation’s skirts like a little scared rabbit when there might be something I could do right here? Jehovah works in strange ways at times, as the example of Joseph illustrates. (Genesis, chapters 37 through 45)
Sure, sure, I know. No one can possibly stand on his own. After all, Satan is running around like a roaring lion, etc., etc. (1 Peter 5: 8) Sure he is. So what? That a man cannot stand alone and face this adversary of ours is a crock and always has been. What about Bros. Jones and King, who spent years in solitude in the Chinese communist prison camps, yet came out stronger than when they went in? What about the little Chinese sister who served nearly as many years in those same camps as both of these men put together?
But even more importantly, why would Jehovah emphasize repeatedly that we are all going to be tested individually? He went so far in his emphasizing of this point that six times in one passage alone he declared that during a certain time of distress, they would weep “the family . . . by itself, and their women by themselves.” A few verses later he went on to say, “ . . . and I shall certainly turn my hand back upon those who are insignificant” during this time of trial. (Zechariah 12: 12-14, 13: 7) Why would he declare such a thing if he knew that it is impossible for us to survive under such circumstances? That wouldn’t make sense at all.
Furthermore, why should we be afraid? Is Jehovah’s hand so short that he cannot protect us and/or resurrect us no matter what Satan does? (Isaiah 59: 1) I know that you are familiar with Paul’s words to the Romans about this. “Who will separate us from the love of the Christ? Will tribulation or distress or persecution or hunger or nakedness or danger or sword? Just as it is written: ‘For your sake we are being put to death all day long, we have been accounted as sheep for slaughtering.’ To the contrary, in all these things we are coming off completely victorious through him that loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life nor angels nor governments nor things now here nor things to come nor powers nor height nor depth nor any other creation will be able to separate us from God’s love that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8: 35-39)
If we do not have the faith to take him at his word and then fearfully hesitate, are we not insulting Jehovah and his Son? The example of Peter came to mind. This unheard of privilege of walking on water was given to him, and it was taken away when his faith wavered. How awful he must have felt! (Matt. 14: 24-31)
But there was another reason why was I not afraid. As I analyzed it I realized that it was because I was familiar with the original challenge Satan had thrown in Jehovah’s face. Satan had not challenged Jehovah’s power. That would have been suicide. What he did instead was to capitalize on the unfaithfulness of the only two perfect humans to have ever lived upon the earth (up to that time). He intimated that these perfect ones had obviously not been satisfied to live under God’s headship and laws. This indicated that Jehovah was not as perfect as he claimed to be and that he had made a mistake in the way he made these humans. In other words, that Jehovah did not know what he was doing, and that he, Satan, had come up with the right solution.
This would put Jehovah in an apparent dilemma. On the one hand, Adam and Eve had obviously erred deliberately. This would act as proof of Satan’s contention, and cast him in the role of an individual who is merely being honest about the obvious. On the other hand, should Jehovah become angry and lower the boom on this perpetrator, it would cement forever in the mind of all creation the thought that Satan may have been right.
It occurred to me then that in the setting up of the conditions of this challenge, Satan had inadvertently put himself in a box. How? Because by the very rules of his own challenge, he has given us, as human beings, the ability to challenge him. Should I, or any one else, wish to stand up and challenge his contention or even enter a contention of our own, to whit: that he is a damned liar; what can he do about it? Kill us? He certainly has the power. But should he give in to such an impulse, he loses his argument. Should he lose his argument, he loses the only thing that stands between himself and death as a traitor to his very creator. This puts Satan in his own trap, and we human beings control the trigger! What utterly delicious poetic justice!
Let’s explain it another way. There is a law case in the heavenly courts. We are not the principals; we are only witnesses. But it is our testimony that is not only important to the case; it is the very core of the case. Even we lowly imperfect humans have laws against witness tampering!
What an exquisite light this throws on Proverbs 27: 11! Though we may be alienated from our Heavenly Father due to our inherited imperfection, thanks to the very rules of Satan’s challenge itself our heavenly father can issue this invitation to us: “Be wise, my son, and make my heart rejoice, that I may make a reply to him that is taunting me.”
There is something else that I realized years ago. In the core of the trials and tribulations that come our way there exists a privilege for those who have the insight, strength and wisdom to find it. A short time before her death, I read an article about the Roman Catholic nun, Mother Teresa. It told about how the other members of her order would come to her, worried about some trouble or test that they were facing, and refer to it in those terms. She would gently correct them by telling them that this was not a trial. It was an opportunity.
Thus it was that it began to dawn upon me that there might be an opportunity here the immensity of which could hardly be grasped. Was it real? Could it be just an illusion? Of course it could. What should I do? How do I find out? Regardless, my heart was singing anyway.
But how? Where do I start? What is this opportunity that is lurking in the midst of all this?
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I'll post part 2 within 24 hours.
LoneWolf