welcome
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by VampireDCLXV 29 Replies latest jw experiences
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undercover
Unaddressed problems started to surface. Living the single life and the rigours of personal study and field service was almost all I could tolerate but people were pressuring me to advance spiritually and be a MS, take on even more "priveleges". I started to feel guilt over various things I wasn't doing good enough, "bad" things that I couldn't give up on and new "bad" habits creeping up. Negative thoughts and paranoia started creeping in. I was feeling like a fraud. Peolple in my peer group started avoiding me. I felt like I was merely being TOLERATED, no longer loved. Friends either moved away or just drifted away. The small handfull left would mindlessly stick up for the rest of the cong who was ignoring me. I'll admit it: I wasn't a perfect angel. I just couldn't bring myself to confess my "secret sins" to any elder. I just coundn't stand to disappoint them and humiliate myself. And something just felt wrong.
Well described. And well related to by many of us. Your description took me back to when I was young and being groomed to advance in my service. Something never felt quite right and I felt like a fraud, trying to be an MS, yet having "secret sins" and enjoying things of the world that were wrong.
You'll find that many of us have been down that same path. Not that it makes it easier, but it sure is nice when you meet people who understand.
Welcome to the board.
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VampireDCLXV
I chose the "Vampire" part mainly 'cuz it's recent slang for someone who stays up late (i.e. a night owl) though I do have a passing fascination with the stories. Reportedly my family tree has roots in Transylvania.
DCLXV is a roman numeral (if you haven't figured it out yet ) and all I'll say about it right now is that it means I'm not completely evil. Maybe I'll tell y'all more about it later. Mwuhahahahahahahahahaha!
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Black Sheep
I got the number straight off, but kept my trap shut.
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Morbidzbaby
Hey Vampire, welcome to JWN!
I read your post earlier today and dammit all I can't sign in here from my phone...had to make up an excuse to get to the library so I could respond!
I know all too well how you have felt growing up in the org. Being ignored because my dad was an unbeliever and we DARED to be poor in an upper-middle-class congregation. I suspect my brother had/has some form of ADD, and he used to get in trouble for stupid crap all the time. The elders quite literally picked on us. He lost his privileges for stupid things like getting ink on the bathroom door when his pen exploded and he went to wash his hands (true story!).
I had hardly any friends...really only two. One left the org when she was 15 and hasn't turned back. Another got DF'ed when she was 17, but reinstated and we really aren't that close anymore.
I married and divorced a JW and that in itself, along with dealing with JW in-laws, was and still is my own personal hell.
It seems like if you're not well-off, not good-looking, not a social butterfly, and don't have BOTH parents in the org, you're freakin' doomed.
You will find a lot of support and unconditional acceptance here. I've said the same to other posters because it's TRUE. I hope you enjoy being here with us. And welcome to the world! lol
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Morbidzbaby
Damn edit function.... wanted to say check your PMs...little blue envelope in the top right corner of the screen.
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3Mozzies
Wow V665, what an awful life you had in this cult!
I feel for you man, I hope things have started to get better for you.
I wasn't a perfect angel. I just couldn't bring myself to confess my "secret sins" to any elder.
Tell me about it, never, never did I feel the need as well, it's none of their business what I felt, thought or did in my life. Now that I have left they have no dirt on me, feels great!
I started doing to the cong what they were doing to me. I avoided THEM. They tried calling, texting, emailing, knocking.
Ha! Same here :)
Thanks for telling us your story V665, it helps, especially as I'm new too. Hearing what others have gone through shows that it's not 'us' (as the problem) but this $hitty religion that has ruined us one way or another. Life is starting to get better for me, hope this has happened to you too V665.
All the best V665
3Mozzies
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Broken Promises
Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to many parts of it.
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VampireDCLXV
Wow. My thread sits for a month and then gets a couple more comments anyway. Thanks guys!
@ Morbidzbaby,
Haven't seen you around here in a while. Admittedly I've been a little bit busy too. We do have things in common I'll have to tell you all about it...@ 3Mozzies,
Thanks for, um, 'resurrecting' my thread. I'm glad you found me and my story interesting enough to post here. BTW, I know what your name means. I'll PM you about that soon...@ Broken Promises,
Just when I was believed you thought I was a complete douchebag, you post here. Nice of you.A bit of an update: I finally got a positive diagnosis of ADHD a little while ago (after looking for about 20yrs). I'm finally getting the help I really need to move on with my life. I'm making friends and doing things. Things are looking up...
V665
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laverite
And, you're having fun on this board Vampire. I know you are. And you know we love you.
-LV