Mourning the living dead- Hard to not wish they were actually dead though

hopeful4eva


	Back ground: been Da'd for 17 years, bio mother and step father uber Jw's, Step father Elder. Since DA'ing my mother has ALWAYS sorta kept in contact with me...until recently. Three years ago I started dating a guy, my bio father and step mother did not approve of. My mother loved it, she fed off it. She would invite us over (when Step daddy was away of course), and was more of a mother to me during this time. I could talk to her about anything, and she wasn't getting all upity on me and for the first time in my life I was actually feeling some love from her. When my bio dad and step mom saw that my relationship with my boyfriend was quite stable and not just a fling, they started to warm to him. We started doing normal family things together, going camping, having family meals and taking long weekend travelling as a famly. Well now bio mother decides she does not like this, and SLOWLY starts the shunning process again. Leaving my boyfriend bewildered as to what is going on. Opening up a whole can of worms, cause boyfriend (who at this point is agnostic), wants to know why the heck my bio mother is not talking to me, or seeing her grand-daughter. So I try the best I can to explain it to him, saying they somehow think this is scriptural. So he starts reading the bible himself, only to become a believer and to see for his own that this shunning thing is bunk. So as the storey continues boyfriend and I decide to get married, we decide it will be very small and out at bio dad's house. Boyfriend sends a invite out to bio mom and step dad...they do not respond. He is hurt that they do not respond, as for me...I take it for what it is. So Wedding day comes...a beautiful day I might add, filled with family that care and only close friends. And wedding day goes...19 days now and not so much as a card, an e mail, or a call congratulating us. Just nothing!! So Sunday night I spiralled into depression. Crying and feeling all so alone, thinking in my mind that this will be how it is. That my mother has completely chosen her religion over me, that I will never share my joys with her, never share my struggles with her. And yet she HAS NEVER been that person to me. Its always come with "conditions", and those "conditions" I refuse to adhere to. I cried for a mother I never really had, I cried knowing that if she does not open her eyes, this is how it will be till she dies. So yesterday, I was sent out on a task for work...and had to go to a store to pick up a birthday cake for my boss. As i pull up I see a man that looks so familar to me, but I just am not SURE. I walk inside the store and kind of hang by the doors, when the man turns I see it is my step father, he looks right at me, turns to my mom and says something, and my bio mother who was about to get out of the car, gets back in closes the door and drives away. For a second my heart broke, but through it all I realized that this was my closure. I had spent 3 days in bed crying my eyes out, craving a mothers love...and the final dawning that I had that, I had that through my step mother. She has been my rock through the past 17 years of my life, through all the crap through all the good...through it all!! I can only put the depression i felt and the sadness down to a form of mourning over my mother, and yet I know if I run into her again or see her, that everytime this happens, the wounds could reopen and I could go through this all again. Sometimes its hard not to let the bitterness take over, and not send her angry e mails. I know that there may be only one thing that may win her over, and that is love, unconditional love , but in even saying that...do i live in hope that she may one day open her eyes, or do I move on and think of her as dead?? I just don't know what to do!!

Back ground: been Da'd for 17 years, bio mother and step father uber Jw's, Step father Elder. Since DA'ing my mother has ALWAYS sorta kept in contact with me...until recently.

Three years ago I started dating a guy, my bio father and step mother did not approve of. My mother loved it, she fed off it. She would invite us over (when Step daddy was away of course), and was more of a mother to me during this time. I could talk to her about anything, and she wasn't getting all upity on me and for the first time in my life I was actually feeling some love from her.

When my bio dad and step mom saw that my relationship with my boyfriend was quite stable and not just a fling, they started to warm to him. We started doing normal family things together, going camping, having family meals and taking long weekend travelling as a famly. Well now bio mother decides she does not like this, and SLOWLY starts the shunning process again. Leaving my boyfriend bewildered as to what is going on. Opening up a whole can of worms, cause boyfriend (who at this point is agnostic), wants to know why the heck my bio mother is not talking to me, or seeing her grand-daughter. So I try the best I can to explain it to him, saying they somehow think this is scriptural. So he starts reading the bible himself, only to become a believer and to see for his own that this shunning thing is bunk.

So as the storey continues boyfriend and I decide to get married, we decide it will be very small and out at bio dad's house. Boyfriend sends a invite out to bio mom and step dad...they do not respond. He is hurt that they do not respond, as for me...I take it for what it is.

So Wedding day comes...a beautiful day I might add, filled with family that care and only close friends. And wedding day goes...19 days now and not so much as a card, an e mail, or a call congratulating us. Just nothing!!

So Sunday night I spiralled into depression. Crying and feeling all so alone, thinking in my mind that this will be how it is. That my mother has completely chosen her religion over me, that I will never share my joys with her, never share my struggles with her. And yet she HAS NEVER been that person to me. Its always come with "conditions", and those "conditions" I refuse to adhere to. I cried for a mother I never really had, I cried knowing that if she does not open her eyes, this is how it will be till she dies.

So yesterday, I was sent out on a task for work...and had to go to a store to pick up a birthday cake for my boss. As i pull up I see a man that looks so familar to me, but I just am not SURE. I walk inside the store and kind of hang by the doors, when the man turns I see it is my step father, he looks right at me, turns to my mom and says something, and my bio mother who was about to get out of the car, gets back in closes the door and drives away. For a second my heart broke, but through it all I realized that this was my closure. I had spent 3 days in bed crying my eyes out, craving a mothers love...and the final dawning that I had that, I had that through my step mother. She has been my rock through the past 17 years of my life, through all the crap through all the good...through it all!!

I can only put the depression i felt and the sadness down to a form of mourning over my mother, and yet I know if I run into her again or see her, that everytime this happens, the wounds could reopen and I could go through this all again.

Sometimes its hard not to let the bitterness take over, and not send her angry e mails. I know that there may be only one thing that may win her over, and that is love, unconditional love , but in even saying that...do i live in hope that she may one day open her eyes, or do I move on and think of her as dead?? I just don't know what to do!!

thenoblelodge

I can only put the depression i felt and the sadness down to a form of mourning over my mother

I think your right on the button there. Just soak up the love you receive from the rest of your family, let them heal you.

I know it must be very, very hard to accept your mothers treatment, but she is behaving like this because there seems to be a lot of tightening up on how to treat inactive or da'd ones. She thinks she is doing it out of love... so sorry for you.

((((hugs))))

nelly136

my suggestion would be to concentrate on your now family who love you and dont put yourself in limbo waiting hoping, you will go through a grieving period and all the stages you would go for a real death and it isnt nice or easy but it can/will heal with time.

if at some point in the future anything changes you will then have the choice whether you actually want anything to do with them, but you wont have wasted precious energy that would be better spent elsewhere

will_the_apostate

your family will try to make you feel like its your fault. its not. it sounds like the other half is pretty good just lean on them and your husband. dont beat your head against a wall, just show them true christian love.

best of luck

Hadit

Sending you hugs! What an awful religion this is to put a wedge between parents and their children! I'm so sorry for your pain. I also believe that you need to concentrate on your healthy relationships and get strong through them. Thenoblelodge brings up a good point about the WTS tightening up how people treat ones who are inactive/apostate. They are losing many people and are really laying on the mind control to have people abandom family that are apostate and/or inactive. It is sick, twisted and hateful. Take good care of yourself and perhaps the unconditional love that you show will win your mother's heart. We don't know what the future holds and what may wake her up one day.

I wish you all the best!

wasblind

"What an awful religion this is to put a wedge between parents and their children!"

This religion encourages UNATURAL affection

hopeful4eva

Thank you Everyone for your nice comments, my eyes welled up reading your comments...just need some time to get past this and let the wounds heal.

Thank you !!!!

will_the_apostate

i have a sister that refuses to even respond to my emails, but i still hold out hope that her heart will soften. a couple in my old hall whom shunned me finally saw the light. not only did they apologize but know their family and mine are good friends. there is always hope that they will come back to you.

i pray for the best for you

VampireDCLXV

I can relate.

I haven't seen or spoken to anyone in my cong for over a year an a half but I'm still terrified of losing my mom, sisters and bros-in-law (my dad never believed). I'm lucky all family lives out of town. One nasty rumor or rat-out and I'm screwed, right? I'm trying to build outside friendships and social network but it's slow going. If I ever dare date outside of the borg I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it. Gonna have to, though. I'm never going back. Don't you either. If your mom is emotionally toxic, don't bother seeking her, move on.

Best wishes...

V665

Balsam

hopeful4eva,

It is tough to let go but they made it clear you are dead physically and emotionally to them. I find it hard to believe a mother could do that to you. The Step Dad sure but I would have never allowed my husband to tell me to shun my children. I'd kill him first. LOL My children's father tried to get me to convince my sons when they were in elementary school and middle school that I would shun them if they left the so called truth. I told him no way and I will never go along with that. He got angry about it but didn't press it later on.

Honey your better than your JW family and it is their loss and you are wise to move on. If they really loved you they would not be able to turn their back on you. Embrace your new family and know your loved.

Ruth

Mourning the living dead- Hard to not wish they were actually dead though

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