How do I tell my elderly JW mother that...?

onemore

Hi all,

My wife asked me last night: how do I tell my mother that we have been living a lie? Then she said: she is in her 70’s, all of her friends are JWs, she has a routine, things to do that keeps her busy every day, field service, meetings, visiting her JW friends, assemblies, etc. why spoil that to her?

She was very down and I tried to comfort her. In essence I told her that we should concentrate on making her mother aware that the leadership (GB) is in error. That their claim of authority is not supported by the bible, and that some of their policy and judgments have caused pain, suffering, even death to some. I told her that we should plant little seeds of doubt and see how it goes. I then quoted Steve Hassan, in one of his books he said something to the effect that cults don’t deliver what they promise, and that it’s unhealthier for her mother to always feel guilty about not doing enough for the organization, that she deserves to know the truth. But that we should hold off on that for now, as we get out household in order.

I wanted to share this because when I first opened my eyes about the true nature of the WT organization, I found some great experiences and advices from posters: Openmind, Onthewayout, Cantleave, AwakenatG, and many others, that helped me handle the situation at home when I broke the news to my wife that the WT leadership is morally corrupt and that this organization is nothing more than a money making scheme.

I now come to you to findout if any of you have opened your elderly parents eyes and what has been the outcome.

Thanks

Onemore.

OnTheWayOut

My mother is in her late 60's. I have had to slowly fade from activity without discussing it with her- she goes to a completely different cong. but not so far away. Eventually, she "heard" that I was inactive and I had not said anything to her. She asked me about it and, while I tend not to believe she could actually shun me, she decided to apply the loophole that I was not DA or DF and would continue to talk to me. Just not about "spiritual" things.

The short of that is that my mother was not at all receptive to ideas that WTS is wrong. This is despite her DF in 1976 over smoking and returning the world when the end didn't come and her eventual reinstatement, but not until she went out and sowed her wild oats for awhile.

I know that's not much help, but my mother came to accept my situation by straining WTS rules. Now, she is okay with my inactive status, but might not be okay with a DF/DA status.

OnTheWayOut

Mr. Flipper seems to be pretty good at trying the stuff in Steve Hassan's second book. I apply it some, but my mother's rule to "not talk about spiritual things" doesn't allow me to get very far. Still, I treat my mother like a family member and stir her non-cult personality as much as possible.

Giving photos of non-holiday settings (the setting of the photo is non-holiday, but it could have been taken at a holiday gathering) and sending a card and asking innocent questions about things sort of cult related can help. "What would have been your choice if you sought a career?" "What is something you really wish you had more time to do?" Stuff like that.

zoiks

Is it sometimes better for a person to remain in a cult? That's the question that comes to mind when I think of my own parents. Their entire lives are wrapped up in their congregation. It's not necessarily a doctrinal thing, even though they are as mind-controlled as can be. For them, their social life, their routine, their everything... is connected to the congregation. I understand that the group has harmed many people, but they are not being hurt by it in any overt way. They love their life- with the exception of having one or two "black sheep" children- they are content with their community and routine.

I can't justify taking that from them. I'm atheist - I don't believe that it will make a difference in the end, and as long as they are not being harmed by the group, I won't break down their world just because I feel that it is wrong. They would lose everything. It's a very difficult and conflicting thing to consider. Some people would fault me for not trying to convince them of the Truth's falsehood. Every situation is different.

Just my perspective.

Gerard

My wife is in the same dilema. She has faded out and she chose to not rock the boat and let her parents pass away of old age and in peace.

leavingwt

Unless you're afraid that your mother is going to burn in Hell for all eternity, I really don't see the upside to rocking her world, at this point.

troubled mind

I would not rock their world other than to explain to them you have come to a different conclusion than them about the religion . If they are happy and have no doubts then I see no reason in tipping the apple cart . It will only cause bad feelings between you and them if they are not in a mental readiness to accept what they believe may not be true .

I would be more concerned with reassuring them of your love and support . Once they realize you are inactive they may get the impression from others that you are now on a road to a destructive lifestyle ....make sure they know by your actions this is not so .

Trying to presuade them to come to the same conclusions as yourself is unrealistic and could backfire badly for your continued relationship . Nuture the family ties and let the rest of the story unfold slowly and naturally .

Good luck ...don't rush anything

skeeter1

I only talk about the Society, when my elderly father starts to preach. Then, I ask him questions to elicit his response. For example, if he is going to tell me a story about a man in Italy who didn't have arms or legs and became a JW becuase the JWs were so nice to him and the handicapped man preached.... I will stop the story mid-way and ask, "What if the man disagreed with the JWs, would the JWs still be so nitce to him?" That will get this dander up, saying "That isn't in the story!"

But, I am not disfellowshipped and was never baptised. So, at this piont, I have nothing to lose. And, I only do it if HE brings up the JWs and preaching. Otherwise, I let him live in his "la la" land of Paradise and God's only chosen people. The JWs are a solution to his real problems that he doesn't or can't face. To take away the JWs would mean that he had to face his inner demons from the past AND look at his many years of being a JW.

Imagine how you would feel if at 80 years old, you realized that your religion and how you lived your precious life was a lie.

What I'm trying to say is that I let him live his dream religion, until he pushes it on me . . . and then I say something, like an open ended question.

Skeeter

nelly136

she is in her 70’s, all of her friends are JWs, she has a routine, things to do that keeps her busy every day, field service, meetings, visiting her JW friends, assemblies, etc. why spoil that to her?

if it aint broke dont mend it.

Georgiegirl

Not sure why you would tell her?? At this stage in her life, carefully consider whether or not it would be cruel to strip away a belief system...take away her friends, her emotional security and social structure...for what, exactly? I would feel totally differently if this was a young family member, and only you know her best, but sometimes I think it is kinder and more loving to preserve the illusion at this stage in the game. Take care of her and protect her and love her but (in my opinion and who knows if it's right! :) ) - why do something that has the potential to confuse and devastate her this late in life?

Now...if she happens to be one of those rare mid 70 year olds who is out participating in triatholons and it looks like she's going to be around another 30 years - I reserve the right to change my opinion. :)

How do I tell my elderly JW mother that...?

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